Snap!

... and all of a sudden a sunset-yellow old English car rides past my balcony, through the backyard, and accelerates into the darkness of the night of the forest, with nothing but the lights illuminating the cold and wet autumnal lawn...

Hold tight, London

This morning, floating in between a perfect balance of despair, anxiety, curiosity, and fear of death, I cried my eye out when I finally got the best news I had been waiting for ... for about 7 months. I couldn't dare to expect anything but the worst, but the outcome was the best - even a bigger surprise. I got in to both University of Westminster, and Stirling University. Since Westminster was my firm acceptance, I am now obliged (with my biggest pleasure) to start digging up the wonderful depths of journalism from the end of September there. I have a place to live there already, just today sent in the renting contract, and also applied for a student loan. It is amazing how much more humane those matters are in the UK. For example, I don't have to start paying back my loan (for tuition fee) before my income overcomes some preset threshold.
Now I have to buy a one-way ticket to London, pack my two or three things, and take off. Life is such an adventure, and I can't wait to see what that new stopover has in store for me.
It all looks so promising, the mere thought is so sweetly intoxicating.. and it's all there just for me to take it all in..

My sincerest gratitude to those who stood behind me while I was a nervous wreck from all that waiting (among other things). Those who never judged, never turned their backs on me. Those who believed in me more than I did myself. Those who knew how, what, when - without a word..
It feels like I'd be surrounded by angels, but I call them my best friends. :)

Regular rave

So, it's quite a pointless Sunday morning. Not as bright as it would be if I'd stayed at home, and watched idiotic tv shows with my parents.. Which I didn't. No, the Sunday morning is actually fine, but my head feels like a frisbee from sleeplessness and OH-grouped liquid substances.
Wow, the rain just got so hectic. I love it! Air was thick and white from the rain.
And now some lonely rays of sun squeeze themselves through the cloud blanket, just enough to make the nature look fresh and awake.
Umm.. Made some cool new acquaintances last night. I like new people. They refresh. New stories, new vibes, new energy.
Apart from bite marks on my cheek it's quite regular.
Same shit, different day. The only difference is that this time the feeling of knowing and accepting the SSDD is not oppressing at all. Acceptable on a very neutral, maybe even enjoyable level. This is the way everyday life should be like. Until it gets boring.
I'll go check out the last pages of The Rum Diary (Hunter S. Thompson).

Soul function

I'm such a sucker for music.

Momentum

... and despite all the effort your objective sanity throws at you, you linger in your emotional wobbliness. Some say our mental states are our own game - we have the freedom to move the chessmen. But has the thought ever occurred that if there are more than one or two prevailing emotions, that are of equal strength, and fight over your brain capacity. Then it could easily go so that the person, who supposedly owns the brain in question, just loses any kind of control. Desperate efforts of getting it back just result in an even bigger bundle of mess. I so fucking wish I could easily just think things okay for myself. I'm not that powerful. I put up with the shit as long as I can, in the ways I can handle, clinging on to those slightly more bright thoughts as if in mortal fear. It's not that I wouldn't know that no matter what, it's going to be fine.. and all those obstacles thrown on my way right now, are good for something in the future, they teach and preach, make you a better person. The catch is that you can, in practice, only truly feel, know, and think in that way, when you look at the trouble retrospectively. It's easy for the bystanders to judge and label you instable, pessimistic, and what not, when they don't really know themselves how much heart you've put into something. The fear of losing something you've worked towards for more than two years, is frightening enough at this point of my life, to make me absolutely incapable of functioning alright on a mental level. Even if that fails, general stability would be nice for a change. Solutions will come soon, and on very many levels, I know I'll become a better person.. whatever the content then.
Right now I would really-really want to get my chi back. I'm so exhausted from waiting. One good thing is that I realised tonight, when I put my massive headphones on, that with giving myself time to finally listen and enjoy some good music (which I inconspicuously have failed doing due to all that business and headless running around in search for a better future and truth in life:D), I moved a bittie closer to my chi.
Understanding instead of condemnation is the key to harmonious co-existence. We're all humans, after all. Give time to breathe, take time to analyse (find a reason), give space for dissensions.
And now I'll have a nice cup of shut the fuck up, listen to music, and not give a damn about anything. I'll intoxicate in this feeling as long as my mind lets me. Or until the bloody painkiller wears off again, and the sublunary imperfections are reminded to me not that subtly.
I like this autumnal vibe, but I didn't get to charge my solar batteries. Always one moment/step short..

Submission

It's late summer, but I'd rather call it early autumn. Two days ago I sensed a different scent in the wind. It was the scent of autumn, greeting us with the first chilly breeze. Now the rain carries on the slow prelude that takes us to the colourful sound of autumn songs. I've never understood why is it that people dislike autumn that much. I think it has a certain beauty in it, and I must also admit I've always loved wearing layers of clothes. It's sufficiently cold for a scarf and a hat, which I both enjoy wearing also. But this is so very trivial. I feel my brain functions the best in autumn. When it's cold outside, there's more space for relevant thoughts, mind-tracks.. Perhaps I feel all of this because autumn has this implicit melancholy echo, which I somehow can relate to. I know I think too much, I relish in my thoughts and the next moment drown in them. It's like an addiction, you love doing it until the quicksand swallows you with no mercy, and despite ..
.. okay this shall be continued. I just violated a thought or something I came up with previously. My conclusion to give up putting effort into black holes failed. I'm going to drive in my bizarre state of mind to town, and see what's cooking. I'm craving for stability, but hunting on an erupting volcano.

The way of things to go

I've been thinking about the changes in our lives a lot. There's always something that triggers us to make a decision, and usually when it comes to me, I always reverse to the very initial option I had, even when the intermediate solutions look-sound temporarily better. A good example of that would be me going to study journalism (note, I'm getting my exam results in 5 days!), among other stuff. The force that makes us choose is somewhat mystical, to me. I don't quite believe in destiny in the way that our lives are completely predetermined, and there is no space for free will whatsoever. So we'd be like books already written on flesh. I don't believe it. I don't want to believe it. But nevertheless I'm quite certain that there is that something that makes us do the things we do. Everything happens for a reason, one thing is good for another thing that we are not aware of, later on in our lives. Usually people don't think retrospectively to things, but when they do start thinking back, rewinding their actions, it appears that if one decision would not have been made, the other thing that was beneficial in the future, would not have happened. If you catch my drift now. It's quite fascinating, really. I think the people we meet in our lives, we also stumble upon for a reason. And the timing.. sometimes it seems the wrongest time ever, like fate would be feeding the fan with sh*t, but what's left to do then, is to console ourselves with the thought that since things went the way they did, they probably had to - it's good for something.

Everything in our lives is a chain-reaction, a consequence, a sequence, a pattern, a path we walk the way we want to, but takes us to the exact same place from the very beginning. (?)

Camouflage.

Remedy

You, my mental masochism

Invade my consciousness

Leave me once more

With subtle and implicit tone

Never straightforward

Never true

Never anything you made me believe

I was always the blindfold for pain

I still am?

We are [were] stuck in a lose-lose loop

With both left empty-hearted

and broken.

Illusions never heal wounds

It still burns [burned] like before

The only difference being the

awareness of this self-deception,

an emotional fraud I once

believed and reveled in.

Naivety swapped with bitterness.

Bitterness swapped with retaliation.

Retaliation swapped with despair.

You should know.

Actually this is something I once wrote in not that nice state of being. Right now life is good apart from the bronchitis I have.

I'm holding the aces. I always win. (Wishful thinking.)

You know, being a complete bitch is one of the most imbecile-proof self-defence mechanisms. For both the ego and physis.

Great people and even better times!

Reality check?

Just ignore the smoke and smile

I have 3 exams to go. Victorious end? Not quite yet. I have to admit I was close to biting my toe when I was walking back from town today, to get a grip on myself with the overflowing joy of actually being only a few steps away from that very light in the end of the tunnel.
I'm amazed by things surrounding me, so much beauty, so much mystery. This morning, walking to my Biology exam with Juulia, we were literally struggling through a blizzard. By the time the first exam had ended, it was sunny outside. After the second exam, it was gray, windy, and somewhat rainyish. In half an hour, it was again sunshine all over, with a sharp, cutting north wind kissing you so brutally on your cheek, the way it always does.
I like the new freshness, I missed it this spring, I'm afraid.. with all this exam-stressing. One cannot fully dedicate to two things at the time, no matter how much they try and persuade that women can multi-task.. I just can't live a normal life, and ace my exams. Maybe it comes down to my inability..
But yes, the freshness. I dig, I dig. You dig me up from under what is covering, the better part of me, sings Brandon. So true, so good. I revel and relish this new sweet taste. It is like the most delicious aperitif to the exquisite main course in store for me for the future. I'm such an epicure of life.

Photo hunt / Fotojaht

This week's photo hunting theme is "signs".
Here is the original post, where you can also track down the rules and other nice stuff.




We all know the French are slightly special in their own way, but this, I reckon, is the best evidence of the cruel Parisienne humor with stupid naive tourists:).. The picture is taken on my second trip to that city I've fallen in love with. I know exactly where to go.

2 down, 13 to go.

Just now I got rid of my horrendous headache. I believe I got it from the overwhelming joy and excitement that unleashed when I got my two first final exams done. 13 more, and I'm at peace with the universe. Sounds reasonable? Actually I really am happy, because I've been waiting for this stuff to come up for ummmbgh, well if not 12 years altogether, then for the last 2 years definitely. With great anxiousness. I hope I prepared myself well enough, and if not, then at this point, there's not much I can do any more. I'll be fine, I know, though. It's a nice comforting idea. However, those occasional spurts of angst with the whole fatalistic touch these exams have attached to them, do take over. What can you do?

I would really-really want to take off with someone interesting and good and chill on the beach of a tropical island, remote from everything daily, dull, and worrying. Far away from all that just doesn't feel like it should be in the moment. I want new vibes, refreshing and pleasant.
You, come and make my day. Bring new colours, new touch, new feeling, new scent, new perspective, new meaning and value, new purpose, motivation, need, lust, adrenaline, safety, warmth, joy, experience, ideas.. The old has drained my resources, I'm thirsty for new.
I just cannot go on clinging on to the past, barely holding on. The past is pushing me away quite persistently.
A new breeze, blow me away, intoxicate so sweetly, the way you always do. Be my camouflage from reality:).

Photo hunt / Fotojaht

So I decided to participate in a photo hunt. The topic was "wet". This is the "home blog" and Here are the rules for photohunting.




And this is my first contribution then... As different as two drops of water

Yesterday threw everything at me

How often do you remember your dreams?

What does your soul look like?

How long can you bare?

Your dry blood on my fingertips

Sorry, I know it's cliché, but... Athlete - Wires.

You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip
Running, down corridoors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know.

I'd add a picture or few, but it seems that dear blogger doesn't want me to. Therefore go see what I did today yourself. The pictures from 'you broke me' to 'fight dogmatism' should be taken as a series.

I've never been too comfortable with saying my own things out straight, phrasing them, verbalising, vocabularising. Putting a bit of soul in a piece of art, in a piece of thought, in a fragment of day always helps with speaking my mind. Put your heart where your mind is. Read between the lines, see behind the picture, think beyond borders..

And now let me drown in these eyes for another intoxicating eternity.

Reality checkpoint

Do you guys believe in fate? What makes things go the way they do? Is it all pre-determined what we do, who we meet, etc. ? I don't think I know any more.

Right now I have so much running through my head, my brains feel like exploding (+ the reading for my finals). Through various schemes I ended up going to Helsinki this weekend, when I had just been in Estonia for a week. Estonia was wonderful, like it always is, thanks to my beloved ones who make me love life so much more every time.
Helsinki was mindblowing, in the most explicit sense. The way I stumbled upon him (them) was odd, a random spontaneous curiosity. The strangest chemistry set off in a matter of seconds, when he stared back. Non-verbal realisation of something different, captivating. Overwhelming, mind-blowing, unbelievable, confusing, strange.. in the most pleasant way I've encountered this far.
These kinds of things are those that might trigger outrageous decisions.. (?)
The way he lingers in my thoughts is perplexing, yet so intriguingly intoxicating, but for how long?
Undoubtedly interesting.

Something to relate to, maybe: Snow Patrol - Set The Fire To The Third Bar.

Illusory dreams

"The wise are not learned, the learned are not wise." Lao Tze.

We love indulging ourselves in our nice cosy illusions of what and who are surrounding us, and sometimes even our own lives. Reality checks every now and then might become handy and healthy, though. It's kind of like living without a TV, without knowing what's vitally hot and not in the world, but still checking the news sometimes, to know your time and place a bit better. Do you get what I mean? If you don't do it, you might encounter a rather unpleasant situation when the reality bangs in your face unexpected, and there is absolutely nothing to cushion the blow.
On the other extreme, those who do not let any snuggly illusions overtake them from time to time, and live a cynical and sceptical life 24/7, might be miserable in some other aspects. Again we should try and mingle ourselves into something of a compromise and balance.

And also, a train of thought of Peter Cajander's. Some ideas definitely worthy of spreading, and thinking about. Here's a little something about Trust:

"Trust is about relying on someone, letting ourselves be vulner-
able and fragile, totally dependent on someone. It is a token of
something pure and innocent, a way of expressing confidence
and pure beliefs. Something beautiful and overwhelming.
Appreciation without apprehension. A bond that if you are
careful will last through almost anything, but with a misstep
can be broken as easily as any china.

Its strength is in its vulnerability. Its kindness and willing-
ness to sacrifice and be naked in front of the other grasp its
essence. Trust is something you cannot fake. Either you have
it or you do not have it. It can be built upon but once lost it is
almost impossible to repair. It is a fine line that is so easy to
cross and so hard to be noticed. Trust is like love. It's up to us
to make the choice. By choosing to trust, you never lose. It is
not about the outcome but the intent. Nobody ever wins any-
thing if there is nothing to be trusted. Someone has to start—
why not let it be you? It is all about trust, and the final
outcome is not up to you."

Pills in my pocket

I just cannot be bothered to finish my Psychology Internal Assessment work right now. Don't have anything better to do either. I'm going through some major maniac cognitive dissonance (google it, if you don't know what it is). But the sad part about this problem is that I don't have anything else to do either. Maybe go to sleep? I even overcame the headache I had earlier. What the hell am I supposed to do, to make it a bit more bearable? Starting a new post here is just another excuse for procrastinating with it. NNNNGH! Help.

But otherwise time flies bloody fast. And I just flutter along with it. I have this restlessness in me that has been dormant for quite some time, I suspect. Some energy that's waiting to be released.

Yesterday I had a great time with my ladies, went to play snooker first (a random remark, at the place, there was a dog, randomly lounging about, how cool is that?), and then for a quick drink, and I was home before 11pm already, actually. Walked Juulia home, and after that stayed with myself outside still. I was completely alone, went to sit on a snowy swing, listening to Lisa Ekdahl, enjoying the moment to the fullest. I fell down the swing, on my arse, in the snow. It was rather unpleasant, but despite the nastiness, and perhaps slight pain, I cracked up real bad and laughed from the bottom of my heart. It was so funny - I was on my own.. and enjoying the moment. Pity I couldn't stay outside for longer, my body demanded for its rights. But nevertheless, the point in telling you this little incident with snow, my ass, and Lisa Ekdahl is that, again, I have to repeat myself: cherish the moments! Life is bloody wonderful!
iLove

I wish I had more to say at the moment, so that I wouldn't have to write the IA. I'll go make myself a cup of tea, it solves everything.. hopefully? And also, can someone please come melt this snow and slush together with my cold cold heart (: ?

New steps of change

After having been very anti-social my blog-wise, I always start the post with whining about how I don't have enough time to write, or how I've just been inexcusably lazy. Not tonight. Haa!
A new page has turned in my life in many aspects. I turned 19 some days ago (make it five), and this is my last year of teenagership (must love making words up) - so does that mean I should use the chance to do crazy/stupid things and still get away with it? To be honest, this year, I didn't get the "birthday feeling" at all. I just reached some new level of comprehending affairs around me, with this very calm bystander's feeling. Am I getting old? What defines old? Or is it called mature? Anyways, I've found the peace of mind I've so desperately been looking for, in many aspects. I really like the feeling - what ever comes my way - I'll take it as an adventure.. And after all, I do not think I have the power to manipulate fate anyways, so why bother with things you cannot change? Things will always go the way they have to, and what's left for you to do is to enjoy the journey.
I have been accepted to three universities in the United Kingdom for now. Still waiting to hear from Cardiff and Queen Margareth in Edinburgh. I had a telephone interview with London Westminster on Friday, and I don't want to boast, but I aced it pretty well. Felt confident, and good, and the man whom I was talking to, seemed to be more than delighted to stumble upon me. I am pretty sure this certainty with my future adds to the general peace of mind also. I don't really have to worry about much anything. As long as I get my finals done the way I've done my mocks this far, I'll be good. Security is a good feeling. Makes me feel absolutely invulnerable.
What makes me even more happy, is that I've finally partially achieved something I've been striving towards for the past two years. The reason behind me moving to Finland was being able to study in the UK.. And what am I going to do now? The most stupid act from my part at the moment would be letting it all go, and lowering my standards. This is the final struggle, and better make it good. Work hard, party hard.
When it comes to human relationships, some shifts in powerlines have taken place also. I thought me moving to Finland filtered my friends a great deal. What I've noticed now, is that time tends to do that also. New people come your way, and sometimes take a surprisingly big and important position. Whereas the people you've held closer to your heart than anything else fade away. It most probably does not mean they would not hold you dear any more, but.. maybe distance/time and other dimensions just lose their meaning? In any case, I do know that friendships are a two-way process, and cannot function if only one side is being active. It's a pity, but then again, as I mentioned earlier, things probably just go the way they have to, and there's nothing you can do about it, but accept, and enjoy the new circumstances. It's definitely not worse, just different. Strange, how people are actually scared of different/new things. Why? Insecurity that comes along with unpredictability?
It is indescribably nice to have the thicker end of the rope, and actually not care about it. Indifference is not the case - but you just don't let anything get to you. Trivialities are just trivialities (which should not bring anyone down). A nice, clean picture in my head. Clean-clear, and confident.
But how many Wrongs have to cross our way before we find the Least Wrong One? Is there such thing anyways? One I know for certain, though: honesty, dignity, self-love, and prioritising [yourself] are the key to this nice zenness I'm experiencing right now.
Keep your eyes and minds open to everything, and the world will seem like a nicer place. Inevitabilities are maybe unpleasant, but the way you tune yourself determines how easily you'll bite your way through it.
Enough of this preaching, I feel good. Hope everyone does, on some level.
Now there's one fight [flight?] left - what to do with this occasional creepy-crawly feeling of affection deprivation?

Future looks bright and exciting. Hold tight, world, and do behave.

All the zenness in the world

I haven't written much recently, because I have to admit, I have been quite unwell mentally. Bad vibes are nothing I want to share too much, because why bring the other people down with your crap also - isn't there enough negativity in the world already anyways? But due to the not-so-nice mental phase, I've done a lot of thinking. I've cleared things in my head, and with some other people also, so uncertainty has been erased, and a new phase started. I guess it's so very true what my mother has always told me, and which are also ancient words of wisdom: our lives go up and down literally; there are bad times, and there are good times; there is no rule about how long one up or down will last, but one thing is for sure - after bad times there will be good ones, and vice versa. This is just the way our lives work, as easy as that. And I have gone through this very long down phase now, and made it to the "good times" phase, which I hope will last for at least as long as the shitty times did. But we shall see. I don't mind anything at the moment. I'm in such peace with the world, and myself.
I actually like extremes much. I think they also describe me the best. Extremes in both ends. The middle area, where you feel somewhat sponge-like is no fun. There's as much beauty in extreme sadness for example, as in extreme happiness. And if you have been in both ends, you learn to appreciate, feel, and even enjoy those extreme emotions to the fullest. It's a good thing to achieve - to be able to enjoy sadness.. But could also be the hardest thing on earth.
So, after clearing deals with people, I'm free. I'm so light in my thoughts, yet with this heavier down-to-earth enjoying life, taking it easy, but still appreciating those daily routines that sometimes ängst us quite bad. There's so much beauty in the world unnoticed. I managed to open my eyes, and I feel good. With your eyes open, it's so much easier to just go with the flow, which is the thing everyone should be doing. Just take it easy. The daily things are inevitable, and will always be there - so if you can't really do anything about it, and it feels not so good doing it - why stress and make it even more stressful? With less worrying and thinking about the unpleasant parts, the unpleasant can be made bearable or almost nice. There is beauty in annoying routines, if we just open our eyes, and learn to accept. Man, I feel I'm trying to preach to the whole human race here, sorry xD. It's just a train of thought I really wanted to note down...
So enjoy yourselves in whatever state of being you're in, and appreciate your lives, and people around you. I feel so alive after this enlightenment, I feel so alive and happy, even though some things could always be a tiny bit better.. And I just want everyone else to be happy also! The spring is almost here, and great changes, at least in my life, are awaiting. I'm looking forward to the future. And I am also very grateful to the people who helped me through this bad phase, I appreciate it more than I've probably shown. Showing that you care, even implicitly, can make such a big difference. Sometimes feeling and knowing that the person actually is there, even silently, makes things better. More love, more caring, more compassion and understanding... Egoism will not get you far, and acting like a fucking prick will not get you far in life, and just show how Weak you are. Deliberate hurting other people is just among the nastiest thing under the sun.
But have a very nice and chill weekend, and take time to realise what's around you. Take time to appreciate. Over and out with my brainwash for now:D.
Big love!