Illusory dreams

"The wise are not learned, the learned are not wise." Lao Tze.

We love indulging ourselves in our nice cosy illusions of what and who are surrounding us, and sometimes even our own lives. Reality checks every now and then might become handy and healthy, though. It's kind of like living without a TV, without knowing what's vitally hot and not in the world, but still checking the news sometimes, to know your time and place a bit better. Do you get what I mean? If you don't do it, you might encounter a rather unpleasant situation when the reality bangs in your face unexpected, and there is absolutely nothing to cushion the blow.
On the other extreme, those who do not let any snuggly illusions overtake them from time to time, and live a cynical and sceptical life 24/7, might be miserable in some other aspects. Again we should try and mingle ourselves into something of a compromise and balance.

And also, a train of thought of Peter Cajander's. Some ideas definitely worthy of spreading, and thinking about. Here's a little something about Trust:

"Trust is about relying on someone, letting ourselves be vulner-
able and fragile, totally dependent on someone. It is a token of
something pure and innocent, a way of expressing confidence
and pure beliefs. Something beautiful and overwhelming.
Appreciation without apprehension. A bond that if you are
careful will last through almost anything, but with a misstep
can be broken as easily as any china.

Its strength is in its vulnerability. Its kindness and willing-
ness to sacrifice and be naked in front of the other grasp its
essence. Trust is something you cannot fake. Either you have
it or you do not have it. It can be built upon but once lost it is
almost impossible to repair. It is a fine line that is so easy to
cross and so hard to be noticed. Trust is like love. It's up to us
to make the choice. By choosing to trust, you never lose. It is
not about the outcome but the intent. Nobody ever wins any-
thing if there is nothing to be trusted. Someone has to start—
why not let it be you? It is all about trust, and the final
outcome is not up to you."

Pills in my pocket

I just cannot be bothered to finish my Psychology Internal Assessment work right now. Don't have anything better to do either. I'm going through some major maniac cognitive dissonance (google it, if you don't know what it is). But the sad part about this problem is that I don't have anything else to do either. Maybe go to sleep? I even overcame the headache I had earlier. What the hell am I supposed to do, to make it a bit more bearable? Starting a new post here is just another excuse for procrastinating with it. NNNNGH! Help.

But otherwise time flies bloody fast. And I just flutter along with it. I have this restlessness in me that has been dormant for quite some time, I suspect. Some energy that's waiting to be released.

Yesterday I had a great time with my ladies, went to play snooker first (a random remark, at the place, there was a dog, randomly lounging about, how cool is that?), and then for a quick drink, and I was home before 11pm already, actually. Walked Juulia home, and after that stayed with myself outside still. I was completely alone, went to sit on a snowy swing, listening to Lisa Ekdahl, enjoying the moment to the fullest. I fell down the swing, on my arse, in the snow. It was rather unpleasant, but despite the nastiness, and perhaps slight pain, I cracked up real bad and laughed from the bottom of my heart. It was so funny - I was on my own.. and enjoying the moment. Pity I couldn't stay outside for longer, my body demanded for its rights. But nevertheless, the point in telling you this little incident with snow, my ass, and Lisa Ekdahl is that, again, I have to repeat myself: cherish the moments! Life is bloody wonderful!
iLove

I wish I had more to say at the moment, so that I wouldn't have to write the IA. I'll go make myself a cup of tea, it solves everything.. hopefully? And also, can someone please come melt this snow and slush together with my cold cold heart (: ?

New steps of change

After having been very anti-social my blog-wise, I always start the post with whining about how I don't have enough time to write, or how I've just been inexcusably lazy. Not tonight. Haa!
A new page has turned in my life in many aspects. I turned 19 some days ago (make it five), and this is my last year of teenagership (must love making words up) - so does that mean I should use the chance to do crazy/stupid things and still get away with it? To be honest, this year, I didn't get the "birthday feeling" at all. I just reached some new level of comprehending affairs around me, with this very calm bystander's feeling. Am I getting old? What defines old? Or is it called mature? Anyways, I've found the peace of mind I've so desperately been looking for, in many aspects. I really like the feeling - what ever comes my way - I'll take it as an adventure.. And after all, I do not think I have the power to manipulate fate anyways, so why bother with things you cannot change? Things will always go the way they have to, and what's left for you to do is to enjoy the journey.
I have been accepted to three universities in the United Kingdom for now. Still waiting to hear from Cardiff and Queen Margareth in Edinburgh. I had a telephone interview with London Westminster on Friday, and I don't want to boast, but I aced it pretty well. Felt confident, and good, and the man whom I was talking to, seemed to be more than delighted to stumble upon me. I am pretty sure this certainty with my future adds to the general peace of mind also. I don't really have to worry about much anything. As long as I get my finals done the way I've done my mocks this far, I'll be good. Security is a good feeling. Makes me feel absolutely invulnerable.
What makes me even more happy, is that I've finally partially achieved something I've been striving towards for the past two years. The reason behind me moving to Finland was being able to study in the UK.. And what am I going to do now? The most stupid act from my part at the moment would be letting it all go, and lowering my standards. This is the final struggle, and better make it good. Work hard, party hard.
When it comes to human relationships, some shifts in powerlines have taken place also. I thought me moving to Finland filtered my friends a great deal. What I've noticed now, is that time tends to do that also. New people come your way, and sometimes take a surprisingly big and important position. Whereas the people you've held closer to your heart than anything else fade away. It most probably does not mean they would not hold you dear any more, but.. maybe distance/time and other dimensions just lose their meaning? In any case, I do know that friendships are a two-way process, and cannot function if only one side is being active. It's a pity, but then again, as I mentioned earlier, things probably just go the way they have to, and there's nothing you can do about it, but accept, and enjoy the new circumstances. It's definitely not worse, just different. Strange, how people are actually scared of different/new things. Why? Insecurity that comes along with unpredictability?
It is indescribably nice to have the thicker end of the rope, and actually not care about it. Indifference is not the case - but you just don't let anything get to you. Trivialities are just trivialities (which should not bring anyone down). A nice, clean picture in my head. Clean-clear, and confident.
But how many Wrongs have to cross our way before we find the Least Wrong One? Is there such thing anyways? One I know for certain, though: honesty, dignity, self-love, and prioritising [yourself] are the key to this nice zenness I'm experiencing right now.
Keep your eyes and minds open to everything, and the world will seem like a nicer place. Inevitabilities are maybe unpleasant, but the way you tune yourself determines how easily you'll bite your way through it.
Enough of this preaching, I feel good. Hope everyone does, on some level.
Now there's one fight [flight?] left - what to do with this occasional creepy-crawly feeling of affection deprivation?

Future looks bright and exciting. Hold tight, world, and do behave.

All the zenness in the world

I haven't written much recently, because I have to admit, I have been quite unwell mentally. Bad vibes are nothing I want to share too much, because why bring the other people down with your crap also - isn't there enough negativity in the world already anyways? But due to the not-so-nice mental phase, I've done a lot of thinking. I've cleared things in my head, and with some other people also, so uncertainty has been erased, and a new phase started. I guess it's so very true what my mother has always told me, and which are also ancient words of wisdom: our lives go up and down literally; there are bad times, and there are good times; there is no rule about how long one up or down will last, but one thing is for sure - after bad times there will be good ones, and vice versa. This is just the way our lives work, as easy as that. And I have gone through this very long down phase now, and made it to the "good times" phase, which I hope will last for at least as long as the shitty times did. But we shall see. I don't mind anything at the moment. I'm in such peace with the world, and myself.
I actually like extremes much. I think they also describe me the best. Extremes in both ends. The middle area, where you feel somewhat sponge-like is no fun. There's as much beauty in extreme sadness for example, as in extreme happiness. And if you have been in both ends, you learn to appreciate, feel, and even enjoy those extreme emotions to the fullest. It's a good thing to achieve - to be able to enjoy sadness.. But could also be the hardest thing on earth.
So, after clearing deals with people, I'm free. I'm so light in my thoughts, yet with this heavier down-to-earth enjoying life, taking it easy, but still appreciating those daily routines that sometimes ängst us quite bad. There's so much beauty in the world unnoticed. I managed to open my eyes, and I feel good. With your eyes open, it's so much easier to just go with the flow, which is the thing everyone should be doing. Just take it easy. The daily things are inevitable, and will always be there - so if you can't really do anything about it, and it feels not so good doing it - why stress and make it even more stressful? With less worrying and thinking about the unpleasant parts, the unpleasant can be made bearable or almost nice. There is beauty in annoying routines, if we just open our eyes, and learn to accept. Man, I feel I'm trying to preach to the whole human race here, sorry xD. It's just a train of thought I really wanted to note down...
So enjoy yourselves in whatever state of being you're in, and appreciate your lives, and people around you. I feel so alive after this enlightenment, I feel so alive and happy, even though some things could always be a tiny bit better.. And I just want everyone else to be happy also! The spring is almost here, and great changes, at least in my life, are awaiting. I'm looking forward to the future. And I am also very grateful to the people who helped me through this bad phase, I appreciate it more than I've probably shown. Showing that you care, even implicitly, can make such a big difference. Sometimes feeling and knowing that the person actually is there, even silently, makes things better. More love, more caring, more compassion and understanding... Egoism will not get you far, and acting like a fucking prick will not get you far in life, and just show how Weak you are. Deliberate hurting other people is just among the nastiest thing under the sun.
But have a very nice and chill weekend, and take time to realise what's around you. Take time to appreciate. Over and out with my brainwash for now:D.
Big love!

Quiero mucho

When you reach a seemingly dead end, it feels beyond helpless/hopeless. But hey, don't let the world bring you down, 'cause not everyone here is that f*cked up and cold (like these great lyrics in one song say). Staying positive might seem like the hardest thing to do, but in reality, when things are wrong, they seem 10000x more horrible than they really are. Stay positive. Even if it's -20'C outside and all you're wearing is a pair of Converse sneakers, it might seem like the world is just conveniently f*cking you in the face, but that's not the case. If there are 1000 things to bring you down, and make you unhappy, there is at least 1001 things to make you happy. Just open your eyes to them. It's the little things that make the world.
Feeling alone in the middle of a crowd must be one of the most horrible sensations for a person, but try not to forget that no-one wants to be alone. It all comes down to everyone just trying to fight the loneliness so desperately. More warmth, more warm feelings, more support. And it will be all good. And also stand up for the weaker. No-one deserves being treated unfairly.
It is up to you to make the difference you're craving for. Just do it (you Can).

Let go

The moment you close your eyes to the seeming reality, a new dimension unfolds.
What do you see behind clouds?
What is it that sends shivers down your spine?
In a drop of water a whole world hides,
a terrain so profound awaits you to close your eyes, and open your mind.
Open your mind.
Dare to dream, drift away.
Why are you so afraid of freedom?

Twists and turns

Why do we encounter the situations we do? Are all the things we have to put up with a test of some sort? Why does it seem that some people just have these tests all the time, stability and and calmness are way too much to ask for? Is it just them seeing the world through dark glasses? Is it fair that some people have it so much easier, while the others get f***ed in the face on a daily basis? Will they be "stronger" in the end, or is it just genuinely bad luck, and fate just favours some?

If someone finds answers to these questions, let me know. I'm dying to find out! :)

What makes me love life so much

This is something that opened my waterworks with absolute full power. It is a text that is going to be published in our Lyseon Kronikka (school chronics), and everyone in our class had to write a characterisation to someone. Juulia wrote mine. She is such a sweetheart, and dearer than I probably even realise myself. I love my friends so much, don't know what I'd do without you. Just know that... I do think about you guys all the time, even the ones that are a bit further away and the ones I don't really talk with on a daily basis. You're all in my heart, honeybunnies! Big, everlasting love!

Anyways, here it is:
A vibrant, adventurous girl born into the wrong generation. Her heart lies in the summertime of consciousness: the era of hippies, psychedelia and Jim Morrison. Nevertheless, she makes her own world by fearlessly stepping into the unknown - that's how she got herself from Estonia to Finland in the first place! Ave is always up for anything, may it be a crazy drum n' bass event or a quiet moment with tea and candles. She's the perfect company to have random, mindless conversations with, or with whom to indulge in pseudo-philosophical babble. She loves to travel and has taken off to Manchester and Paris during the past year, always with a random buddy from our class - both of which have surprisingly made it back. Overdosing on Starbucks, tea, cheddar and crisps, and getting a rainbow eye at an Arctic Monkeys concert, as well as a British accent ... And not to speak of the inside jokes of "chocolát, crazy woman tall, whiteboy slim feat. sorty", etc., stuff that the rest of our class has yet to quite figure out. Her trip to the States last summer opened new horizons in her life; Ave is happiest when she's leaning against the wind in San Fransisco, feeling weightless. Ave feels most alive when recognising beauty, and this she manages to encapture in her gorgeous photography and psychedelic drawings. Singing is also close to her heart; it's not a rare occasion to hear Ave suddenly burst out into song while standing in the lunch line. She's very outgoing and social, making her easy to befriend, but even her closest friends have yet to see all the sides that this intriguing, sparkly (and hopelessly dirty-minded) personality holds within. Though Ave is labile and has a craving for affection, she's incredibly independent and all the more reliable. There's nothing that she wouldn't do for her friends and family - not to speak of her home country. Ave is a patriotic Estonian and is incapable of holding her tongue when it comes to matters concerning her homeland.
Though greatly opinionated in many areas, Ave still possesses an open mind. She's also equipped with a notable amount of useless talents, such as her phenomenal "instant fog" effect. Ave's beauty, both inside and outside, has won over the hearts of many. She loves music and movies, and adventures in the twilight zone, which may end up even in the Swiss Embassy ... She's a genuine, caring person, and very cuddly!
It must also be said that she makes the best cheesecake and gives the best hand massages ever. If Ave would be an animal, she would definitely be a lemur: random, eccentric, maybe even slightly devious.
It's not easy to predict where Ave will wind up someday: it's just as likely for her to become a street photographer in Paris as it is for her to pursue her dream of being a pilot, soaring in the neverending skies. No matter what, there's something that can be said for sure about this mezmerising little bundle of Aveus ... Even though she has already lived a full, vibrant life so far, she will make sure that the best for her is yet to come.

Mindcircus

What if you have so much to say that you couldn't possibly fit it in words to spoon-feed it to those that should listen? The meaning the words carry is so often misjudged by those who give them out. To be able to talk to someone without the "energy loss" is one of those magic powers yet to be reached. It is sad to see how people communicate, but they do not actually understand each other. These flows always skew, never collide. People collide and conflict.
To hear without listening.
To listen without understanding.
To understand without perceiving.
To perceive without comprehending.
To comprehend mistakenly.
To misjudge the importance.

Why do we do it? I guess it might as well be one of those eternal questions to be sought an answer for, from the beginning of human existence, to the very last respite of the last one of us all.
But then again, the answer might also be that we are just not competent enough to actually seperate these things from each other. We are too blind to see anything beyond the surface. If we try and look through it, it tears us apart. De-mystifying life, I think, might actually turn its beauty against us. But go figure - who am I to even ponder about these things? I know that I don't know anything, as one smart man once has said, but I am still willing to seek for that ultimate truth. Or just peace of mind.
But right now, above all things, I would want daily trivial marginal happiness outweigh these way too heavy thoughts. So I'm waiting for it to come. I can feel a change, and I like the vibes around me. Patience is the keyword. Patient people have it so much easier!
I think I just lost this little train of thought. Therefore I shall make an attempt to practise some of that sleep-thingie.
And oh, I really wouldn't mind this change of direction. Not a tiniest bit:).

Your face reminds me of when I was old

Home?

Big furry head

Dreaming is to the mind like regular exercise is to the body. It is like reading a book is to your imagination.
It is what makes the real difference to you, in the form that there is always something higher to reach for - a goal set. Does not matter if it is too abstract to achieve in reality. It will keep you going, motivated.
Do dream, it's healthy. Dreams change the world.

Start anew

This is a good time for leaving all the negative trivia behind, and turning a new page. Not saying this because it's the cliché end-of-the-year thing to do, but because people too often lack the motivation to better the quality of their lives. If this kind of a push in the back (no matter how artificial it actually would be) that is needed, then why not do it NOW?
Turning the new blank page is a good way of starting the new year with a peace of mind. And to an extent a peaceful mind is the most valuable treasure a human can find. Free your minds.
Happy new year.

Dazed and confused

Funny how all things that are somewhat different from the average daily trivia (starting from exams and ending with the fall of pressure, and general feelings) that we have to put up with, make you sleepy.
I could really do that holiday now, even though I think I've done a fairly good job with keeping up the positive mood.
I don't know any more.

Morning view

To be enjoyed from my balcony with a nice cup of tea.

Nothing is worth losing that

Amazing how we are so sensitive to the elements around us. I've been reading psychology almost the whole day, but I've also downloaded some good music, and right now Telefon Tel Aviv's album Map Of What Is Effortless is just the best thing ever, surprisingly, for the moment. Absolutely love it.
We are all just receptors and intakers of information, vibes and other perceivable things, intuitive feelers. The way we process what has been fed to us determines how we sense the world, how we label the actions around us, how we tune our perceptions to guide our brains to an understanding.
Life is so fascinating, but nevertheless, if anyone happens to find a time-travelling machine, let me know. I'm just praying for 15/01/08 to be over right now. After that I will probably go through a major impedance drop, which hopefully will not convert into a mental breakdown..

Unfinished sympathy

Oh my. We have to survive another bunch of mocks now... they will get done, I know. The mind is distracted from life by life. The most suffocating thing is if you cannot really show what and how you feel, if you have to hold in even the positive things, while you'd love to scream your joy out loud to the whole wide world. And there aren't even any rules restricting you, it's all in your head. We set our boundaries and limits ourselves, but what makes us decide whether something is better kept seemingly dormant? Are we just making these things up, or how could we ever predict someone else's reaction to what we have in store? There's alot to ponder about, and seems syrreal that Christmas is here in about a week, and no feeling whatsoever with it. Nothing, nada, niente!
Imbalance is the worst state of mind to be in. Even if it's self-inflicted... Going with the flow still seems to be the best course of action, but what if the faith is lost? No-one wants to piss against the wind!
What a classic ToK-moment (IBbrainwash buujaa!): How can we know? Do we know at all? And what is Right? Is there such thing as The Right Thing? Who gets to decide?

Do you guys believe in fate?

Life is all about taking things in and putting things out

My yoga teacher sent me an interesting text by someone I cannot remember sometime ago, and I really liked the way this one idea was put there:
The world, in general, is a neutral place, all the things happening around us, and also the physical matter. It is us who determine what the world is like, in our heads. It is as simple as that. We can either interpret an action in a positive way or negative. And people, unfortunately, too often have this pessimistic attitude already before something happens. So, the world will end up seeming gloomy and awful, but that's because we make it like that.
I proved to myself this weekend, that I am definitely one of those people who just have drama in their head Before something happens. And most of the problems are pseudo. I just think too much and see the spook absolutely everywhere.
Oh, and as I talked about communication some time ago, that it is underrated... It is, and non-verbal communication is even more. Yes, it leaves more space for your imagination to work on it, but in reality, we rarely miss with our judgements.
Actions speak louder than words.

Every living creature on Earth dies alone.

Communication is so underrated. It is often said that words are overrated, but the lack of them nevertheless, gives birth to the biggest worries and problems in life. In this form, ignorance is not bliss, because if we don't really know what the other person thinks or wants to say, we will end up perplexing our little stupid heads with ideas that might not even be close to truth.
So, talk. Communicate. It might seem hard in the beginning to even tell your beloved ones how very dear they are to you really, but if you get used to it, it will be easier... and it will make your life easier, and theirs, of course, also.
As fate has the habit of playing tennis, and other games, wouldn't it be a real shame, if the person you hold so very dear, would just... leave... one day, not knowing that you loved them so much?

Note: The title of this post is a quote from one of my favourite films, Donnie Darko.

For mom.

Okay, this is odd, but really, my mom asked me to think of seven things I've heard in my life, but cannot really believe, and write them in my blog. She did that through her blog. This is what information society has lead to - even families communicate online. But to the point now: seven things I've heard, but don't believe.

1. Lightning never strikes twice. Not true. If you screw up something real bad once, it's absolutely guaranteed you will do it again.

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also makes the heart forget and move on, and stop deluding itself.

3. The wise learn from others' mistakes. Not true, because no-one ever really does, and I'm miserably failing in admitting that the whole human population is stupid. And even more, the lessons learnt from one's own mistakes are the lessons best learnt.

4. Money cannot buy happiness. This is only partially true, because money can provide objects for well-being, and what people nowadays are most often worried about, is money, in the end. So, if you have one thing less to worry about, aren't you more happy?

5. All human beings are good. They're not. They just aren't! There's so many bastards and evil people around manipulating and harming firstly our dear planet and secondly its inhabitants in every form.

6. Water is the best cure for a hangover when you have it already. Water only helps in preventing hangover, but when you have it already, water does not make you feel too good.

7. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk words are just drunk thoughts..

And as this is some sort of a thing that needs to be passed on, I'd like Linn, Hando, Lenno and Kristin also to think about it and write 7 things they don't believe in.

To ponder what I'm pondering

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe." - Voltaire

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." - Salvador Dali