Momentum

... and despite all the effort your objective sanity throws at you, you linger in your emotional wobbliness. Some say our mental states are our own game - we have the freedom to move the chessmen. But has the thought ever occurred that if there are more than one or two prevailing emotions, that are of equal strength, and fight over your brain capacity. Then it could easily go so that the person, who supposedly owns the brain in question, just loses any kind of control. Desperate efforts of getting it back just result in an even bigger bundle of mess. I so fucking wish I could easily just think things okay for myself. I'm not that powerful. I put up with the shit as long as I can, in the ways I can handle, clinging on to those slightly more bright thoughts as if in mortal fear. It's not that I wouldn't know that no matter what, it's going to be fine.. and all those obstacles thrown on my way right now, are good for something in the future, they teach and preach, make you a better person. The catch is that you can, in practice, only truly feel, know, and think in that way, when you look at the trouble retrospectively. It's easy for the bystanders to judge and label you instable, pessimistic, and what not, when they don't really know themselves how much heart you've put into something. The fear of losing something you've worked towards for more than two years, is frightening enough at this point of my life, to make me absolutely incapable of functioning alright on a mental level. Even if that fails, general stability would be nice for a change. Solutions will come soon, and on very many levels, I know I'll become a better person.. whatever the content then.
Right now I would really-really want to get my chi back. I'm so exhausted from waiting. One good thing is that I realised tonight, when I put my massive headphones on, that with giving myself time to finally listen and enjoy some good music (which I inconspicuously have failed doing due to all that business and headless running around in search for a better future and truth in life:D), I moved a bittie closer to my chi.
Understanding instead of condemnation is the key to harmonious co-existence. We're all humans, after all. Give time to breathe, take time to analyse (find a reason), give space for dissensions.
And now I'll have a nice cup of shut the fuck up, listen to music, and not give a damn about anything. I'll intoxicate in this feeling as long as my mind lets me. Or until the bloody painkiller wears off again, and the sublunary imperfections are reminded to me not that subtly.
I like this autumnal vibe, but I didn't get to charge my solar batteries. Always one moment/step short..