Start anew

This is a good time for leaving all the negative trivia behind, and turning a new page. Not saying this because it's the cliché end-of-the-year thing to do, but because people too often lack the motivation to better the quality of their lives. If this kind of a push in the back (no matter how artificial it actually would be) that is needed, then why not do it NOW?
Turning the new blank page is a good way of starting the new year with a peace of mind. And to an extent a peaceful mind is the most valuable treasure a human can find. Free your minds.
Happy new year.

Dazed and confused

Funny how all things that are somewhat different from the average daily trivia (starting from exams and ending with the fall of pressure, and general feelings) that we have to put up with, make you sleepy.
I could really do that holiday now, even though I think I've done a fairly good job with keeping up the positive mood.
I don't know any more.

Morning view

To be enjoyed from my balcony with a nice cup of tea.

Nothing is worth losing that

Amazing how we are so sensitive to the elements around us. I've been reading psychology almost the whole day, but I've also downloaded some good music, and right now Telefon Tel Aviv's album Map Of What Is Effortless is just the best thing ever, surprisingly, for the moment. Absolutely love it.
We are all just receptors and intakers of information, vibes and other perceivable things, intuitive feelers. The way we process what has been fed to us determines how we sense the world, how we label the actions around us, how we tune our perceptions to guide our brains to an understanding.
Life is so fascinating, but nevertheless, if anyone happens to find a time-travelling machine, let me know. I'm just praying for 15/01/08 to be over right now. After that I will probably go through a major impedance drop, which hopefully will not convert into a mental breakdown..

Unfinished sympathy

Oh my. We have to survive another bunch of mocks now... they will get done, I know. The mind is distracted from life by life. The most suffocating thing is if you cannot really show what and how you feel, if you have to hold in even the positive things, while you'd love to scream your joy out loud to the whole wide world. And there aren't even any rules restricting you, it's all in your head. We set our boundaries and limits ourselves, but what makes us decide whether something is better kept seemingly dormant? Are we just making these things up, or how could we ever predict someone else's reaction to what we have in store? There's alot to ponder about, and seems syrreal that Christmas is here in about a week, and no feeling whatsoever with it. Nothing, nada, niente!
Imbalance is the worst state of mind to be in. Even if it's self-inflicted... Going with the flow still seems to be the best course of action, but what if the faith is lost? No-one wants to piss against the wind!
What a classic ToK-moment (IBbrainwash buujaa!): How can we know? Do we know at all? And what is Right? Is there such thing as The Right Thing? Who gets to decide?

Do you guys believe in fate?

Life is all about taking things in and putting things out

My yoga teacher sent me an interesting text by someone I cannot remember sometime ago, and I really liked the way this one idea was put there:
The world, in general, is a neutral place, all the things happening around us, and also the physical matter. It is us who determine what the world is like, in our heads. It is as simple as that. We can either interpret an action in a positive way or negative. And people, unfortunately, too often have this pessimistic attitude already before something happens. So, the world will end up seeming gloomy and awful, but that's because we make it like that.
I proved to myself this weekend, that I am definitely one of those people who just have drama in their head Before something happens. And most of the problems are pseudo. I just think too much and see the spook absolutely everywhere.
Oh, and as I talked about communication some time ago, that it is underrated... It is, and non-verbal communication is even more. Yes, it leaves more space for your imagination to work on it, but in reality, we rarely miss with our judgements.
Actions speak louder than words.

Every living creature on Earth dies alone.

Communication is so underrated. It is often said that words are overrated, but the lack of them nevertheless, gives birth to the biggest worries and problems in life. In this form, ignorance is not bliss, because if we don't really know what the other person thinks or wants to say, we will end up perplexing our little stupid heads with ideas that might not even be close to truth.
So, talk. Communicate. It might seem hard in the beginning to even tell your beloved ones how very dear they are to you really, but if you get used to it, it will be easier... and it will make your life easier, and theirs, of course, also.
As fate has the habit of playing tennis, and other games, wouldn't it be a real shame, if the person you hold so very dear, would just... leave... one day, not knowing that you loved them so much?

Note: The title of this post is a quote from one of my favourite films, Donnie Darko.

For mom.

Okay, this is odd, but really, my mom asked me to think of seven things I've heard in my life, but cannot really believe, and write them in my blog. She did that through her blog. This is what information society has lead to - even families communicate online. But to the point now: seven things I've heard, but don't believe.

1. Lightning never strikes twice. Not true. If you screw up something real bad once, it's absolutely guaranteed you will do it again.

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also makes the heart forget and move on, and stop deluding itself.

3. The wise learn from others' mistakes. Not true, because no-one ever really does, and I'm miserably failing in admitting that the whole human population is stupid. And even more, the lessons learnt from one's own mistakes are the lessons best learnt.

4. Money cannot buy happiness. This is only partially true, because money can provide objects for well-being, and what people nowadays are most often worried about, is money, in the end. So, if you have one thing less to worry about, aren't you more happy?

5. All human beings are good. They're not. They just aren't! There's so many bastards and evil people around manipulating and harming firstly our dear planet and secondly its inhabitants in every form.

6. Water is the best cure for a hangover when you have it already. Water only helps in preventing hangover, but when you have it already, water does not make you feel too good.

7. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk words are just drunk thoughts..

And as this is some sort of a thing that needs to be passed on, I'd like Linn, Hando, Lenno and Kristin also to think about it and write 7 things they don't believe in.

To ponder what I'm pondering

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe." - Voltaire

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." - Salvador Dali

Above and beyond

What I've been contemplating about recently is the saying "ignorance is bliss". To what extent do I agree with it? In this post-modern society we live in, it seems that information (as in knowing) is all. But does it apply in every aspect of our lives? Let us consider some examples. There are those people among us that maybe don't do the "thinking regularly thingie" too much, or at least do not seem reach the levels some others do (I apologise for being stuck in stereotypes, but as I am a part(icle) of the society, I am therefore the victim of its illness). The kind of shallow and superficial people, whose priorities in life are predominantly finding an escort, and in order to do that, looking appealing 24/7 (sometimes I really wonder if those people wear their make-up also at night). The kind of behaviour attracts similar kind of individuals from the opposite gender. They wear their souls on their face, and therefore most often succeed in approaching the mate, because isn't it easy to fall for a person who does not seem to wear any shadows on their personality and depths? After finding the escort, all what life is about for them is fun and intoxicating pleasures. I find it a rather primitive demeanour, because the main objective for Homo neanderthalis was also the continuation of their race (in which they unfortunately failed), and as a derivative from there, finding shelter and food. It would be a gross case of reductionism to state that they do not think. Of course they do (I'm back to bashing the shallow people). But do they ever thing about things such as the meaning of (after)life, the existence and essence of God if it exists at all? What I have personally noticed is that abstract, immaterial and uncommon ideas do not seem to be of any relevance whatsoever. I think it is necessary to reapeat I am talking about stereotypes, which definitely do not apply everywhere.
The other kind of people is the kind that mostly surrounds me. At least in the inner circle. Cannot say, of course, that the (wannabe pseudo-)philosophical discussions are all there are, but very often, the discussion topics include something so abstract it is hard to reach some sort of universal truth or logical conclusion. I remember the last bigger discussion was on ToK cruise, when we first talked about learning about the human life and personality, and ended up with free will and whether everything is predestined or not. The more in depth the topic is discussed, the more questions yet to hash over arise. It could be said the people who think about those things are more aware (=less ignorant) of what is really going on in the world, even though they might not be competent to provide us with any answers or unquestionable truth. Isn't it so that these unanswered questions lead to distress and anxiety, because we might end up being sure about nothing?
So could it be deduced, from this very discussion, that ignorance is bliss, because in the end, when being ignorant, you are less distressed with the ugliness of the world, the fact that you can never ever be sure of anything, the fact that you are not going to be able to find out the real truth etc. ? To live in one's own little bubble = to live in a happy world, without these unanswered enigmas? I don't know.

It's just something to go on about forever. Mind food. And I find these two quotes by Socrates very appropriat here...
"Wisdom begins in wonder."
"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."

How many of you people know you're alive? How many of you know you're Really Alive?

Foul with snot.

Yes, I'm quite runny at the moment. Not too bad, but definitely unpleasant, the feeling.
Things are perplexing and I'm still trying hard to achieve at least some level of understanding in various timely aspects surrounding me. More soliloquies to come up about those ponderings, but at the moment I just .. am. Maybe it is a good thing for a change?

With eyes blood red I await for the weekend to come.

Only at night I
See the catch so blunt
Perplexing or what

Haikus are underrated.

Go tell it to the trees, egghead!

Hello, everyone. I can say proudly that I managed to finish my Extended Essay, finally. I was struggling with it for way too long! I have to admit it would have probably been less painful for me, the whole process, I mean, but the way I am just won't let me do things at the right time. Therefore, I'm constantly in a rush and when relevant and prioritised things should be done, I'm reading something totally different, drawing or sweating at gym, or you know... Something like that:). Sometimes I don't even know myself where all my time goes. I swear there has to be a black hole somewhere just behind my back, following me everywhere. It sucks in the time and then I realise I've been spacing out again for hours and it's beyond late. Huh. Maybe some people just are not born with the time-managing gene. I'm a perfect example of this. Nevertheless, I keep deadlines, purely out of respect towards the people around me, but the cost will be my sleep and mental health. I think it's fair enough.
Today I got another thing, Math Porfolio (a mathematical investigation) done. Feels somewhat relieveing also. This weekend I don't have to stress too much with official crap, for a change, and I can just let loose and enjoy my home alone time. Mom is in Estonia again.
I actually spent my autumn holiday there myself, also. It was hectic, but nice. Managed to meet up with most of the people I really wanted to see, however a few of them yet to be seen. I hope to maybe get some Estonians over here also. Everyone's always making promises about coming to visit me here, but they rarely do... I hate it when promises made are not kept. What's the use of throwing meaningless words around, giving birth to pointless hope in others?
I am not certain, whether my mood-swings are to be tracked down to the neurotic essence of me, or just some random external mediators that try to manipulate my perception of things, but yes, moody I am. It's even bothering myself to a very great extent - how about the others then? How do the people around me cope with the bitchy me? I'm sowwy for being the way I am sometimes. I try hard, but I fail miserably in making it any better. However, it seems that there is some constant discontentment in me I cannot shake off. Absolutely no idea where it derives from. I am happy, in general, if you ask that. There is nothing wrong in my life at the moment. Maybe the thing causing my resentment is the fact that everything is sort of alright, but very... monochromatic, dull, and blunt?
In a way my emotions have come down to a more gravity-oriented ground. They are still as strong as they used to be some time ago, but they take into consideration also the little flaws around me. More objective towards the world, yes? Or just more forbearing?

It could also be that the autumn has now really crawled under my skin and the typical norhtern kaamos has hit me. I mean, people do adapt to the environment they live in, don't they? It sure seems to be one aspect of the instinct of self-preservation, for me. Thank goodness there still are some people who remind me every now and then, when I get too gloomy on their ass, that life is awfully nice in reality, and I'm just thinking too much and over-dramatising, as usually. So true. And some people are just way too amazing to be true, makes me wonder what I've done so very well that I've deserved you?! What would I do without you, guys :)? Big love.

It seems that my university picture is de-fogging now, finally. After being to this massive fair in Helsinki (Studia Messut), which is all about universities and colleges. My aces are set on London, Edinburgh, Dublin, Cardiff, Paris and Lyon. The two latter ones are a bit more unlikely, because studying in the UK is just so much cheaper. And living in France.. I would have to sell myself in the streets to be able to buy food, probably. So, I'll see about those. I don't mind living with my mom, she's the most wonderful thing on earth, but I have to admit, I cannot wait to move away. I've been craving for my own little home for so long now. Nothing too fancy or spectacular, but just my own cosy little place, where I can be on my own. I need space around myself, mentally. This little town atmosphere can get quite oppressing, sometimes. And a change also, cause restless is the way I am and can't really do anything about it... Yes, UK, here I come!

Try not to get too affection-deprived the way I am right now. It will get you all-angst and das ist nicht so gut! Listen to High Contrast's new album Tough Guys Don't Dance also! It's some seriously good stuff. And Commix in Helsinki almost rocked my sense perception, I loved it so much.
Do not mug youself. If you get my drift..

Morning light my ass

So, it's 06:19 and I'm fed up, or I mean.. I can't make sense any more. I didn't write my conclusion yet, but the contents are ready. I feel relieved. But as I would have to wake up in 45 minutes, I don't think I am going to bed any more. So I'll go have a very early breakfast after a nice shower. But I'm still proud of myself for getting Something done. The quality of the work is a totally different topic, of course..
It's so dark outside!

I'm so flute

... and slightly losing it by now. It's 02:35 and I'm wide awake, partially due to the lack of blood in my caffeine stream. This is what you get for being an IB and teachers pulling a nasty trick on your ass with moving a deadline two weeks earlier.
But then again, I'm quite well-motivated to get it done, because the flow is good and I'm feeling the caffeine groove also. And hey, after I'm over and out with it, it's DONE! What a relief it will be! At the moment there's still one part of the content to write, then the conclusion. Abstract will be done last. 4.5h to go, I should be fine.
Harr, envy me!

Defenestrate my sanity

Ku Klux Klan meets Batman.
[Pardon my ignorance, but since when do horses wear hats?]

The persistence of memory

I'm feeling a bit better after having fought a gay-ass flu for a few days now. I suppose the bacterion I caught was some sneaky French creature. After all, some already well-known Finnish shred wouldn't have mowed me down so bad, would it? Anyhow, I bet no-one is really interested in familiarising in depth with my medical record. Therefore, I'll rather give you some more pseudo-philosophical-past-midnight obsessive ideas to ponder about. A thing called 'trust'. How do we know, whether it's safe to trust a person or not? What is trust anyways? As trust is such an abstract idea, it's hard to really put it in words or give a relevant explanation about all the heartland, for me at least. Or maybe it's that I'm not that familiar with the term myself? Of course, I trust my family and all my beloved friends, but I suppose it's slightly different from the trust you have towards some other type of people. And all those blind trust things and so on? Whoa, there's alot to contemplate about.
I guess I reached a whole new level of trusting people about a week ago. Maybe I'm naive and blue-eyed and brainwashed and all of that put together, but at the moment, I must admit, I don't care if I'm being foolishly trusting, it feels goddamn good inside. I wonder if trusting people is something one can decide relying on their gut-feeling? What if the feeling is really.. right? Do you know what I mean?
Trust and confidence go hand-in-hand. Yes, trust gives confidence and vice versa. Even if it's partially [consciously] deluding yourself, it isn't really wrong to do that in order to obtain the confidence that gives you peace of mind if that's what you're aspiring for, in the end, is it?
Endless flow of rhetorical questions to be followed.. And in the end all we can possibly pray for, is our gut-feeling to be correct for a change. You never know, you know.. Especially when the trusty is far-far away and all you have yourself, is a few assuring words that should keep you company while getting all self-conscious about all the alternatives. But most probably you're seriously overplaying everything. Just chill is what Jesus would do.
I'm sanity-deprived, in a good way:). I'm loving it.

High Contrast - Passion(8)

True colours

Hey y'all! Long time no type again, pardon me for that. I have been so busy with everything recently (and unexcusably lazybones). Including being in Paris for a week and all the extra-oppressing school stuff I have to handle. But you know what? It's all right, because in nine months (only!) it's all over. For good. No more. Finito. Grande fucking finale! So, to think about in longer perspective, it's quite luminous. Despite the ever-so-depressing autumn time (that's what everybody thinks) here in Finland, I've managed to tune myself onto a positive wavelength and even the nordic mean-ass breeze cannot freeze my warm-warm heart. I mean, in general, life is just so fabulous! It doesn't matter that it's dark and cold for a few months... One good thing about autumn is that I get to wear my autumn coat, which is one of my favourite pieces of clothing. Always look for something positive in this depressing stuff. And after all, the autumn colours are nice also! It was so funny this morning, when I woke up at 06:30, it was dark outside. I had been in Paris for a week and when I came back to Finland autumn had started without me.. and I can't remember when was the last time I had to wake up early anyways. So, I was rather confused for the first few minutes, because I thought my circadian rythms have played a nasty trick on my ass again - but hey you can whistle for it!
(I hope I'm seeing things right now, because it seems to me that it's snowing?! What the.. )
Anyhow, shortly about my Paris trip. It was absolutely amazing, as you can imagine. Paris itself is such a wonderful place already, and seeing my favourite band (Incubus) live there. What else can you possibly wish for? The whole prelude to the gig was over-the-average enjoyable also, quality time with quality companion (Aleksi) in Paris! On the gig day, I saw Moona (my Parisienne love) also, after a very long time, so it was double-great! And the third person who shared the Incubus experience with me, was Mikk, who lives in Paris. He bought Moona's extra ticket. And yes, the whole gig emotion was multiplied at least a thousand times by being blown away by this one person. I don't think I've ever been this happy! This is probably where my warmth comes from, right now also. I met someone who's something soulmate-like, and it's a whole different level of things for me! I've never-ever experienced this kind of a bond with anyone. And believe me, it has never-ever been this hard to leave anyone either... I cried from both happiness and sadness.. but deep down my heart I was/am the happiest girl in the world. I could praise this one person and write a whole book about them, but I do not find words the most relevant medium here. After all, aren't feelings all about the internal sensation? It's hard to address it all so that I could actually relay the very feeling I have inside of me. I'm a happy muffin, because of everything else as well, you know. This happiness is probably what I've been lacking the most, recently. This happiness is the inner strength that helps to cope with everyday shit we are obliged to deal with. It makes me feel so invulnerable, almost immortal. And this happiness opens my eyes. It opens my eyes to all the beauty and little things that actually are there everyday, but with our casual depression we just fail to notice them and therefore they do not benefit us in any way. But when your soul is full of beauty and happiness, you scoop it from everywhere around you and the feeling just grows. (And as Pam Morrison once said, "I feel the most alive witnessing beauty.")It grows like an avalanche launching from one snowflake and ending up as nature's display of power.. Big words, eh? I guess the point I'm so deliberately trying to make here, folks, is that try to find this little snowflake in all the dullness, darkness and oppression that would launch the avalanche [of happiness]. It's the little things that make the world, but they make it only when noticed. And it won't be that gloomy after all! I promise. Money back-guarantee, honeybunnies!
Oh, oh, oh! And one more thing! Don't let the nasty autumn cold-bacteria-bastards get to you! My throat is so very sore right now with an additional extra gay cough, but I'm hanging in there, no worries. It's just stupid and unpleasant, so eat your vitamins and wear scarves and other warm and snuggly things.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses.
I'm just So Happy! :) (:

PS. If you search youtube for "Incubus Paris" you can most probably see the whole gig, it's there. Share my experience in a miniature form. Just note that the date would be 27.09.2007 then!

A train of thought.

Let us liquify time together
Drown in the sea of infinity
You still linger in my mind
A torment so divine
Peculiar how absorbing
And how perishes all that is I
You are the intoxicating metaphor
For everything illuminating
And the loveliest of all
What makes the time melt
Like the sweet poison
Gliding across my doors of perception
Taking me to the sky
So vast
And making me feel the most a l i v e.



Dedicated to all those people that make me feel alive. The ones that make the gloomiest days living-worthy, the ones that count. The ones that magnify my better half.
I appreciate it more than you could imagine, thank you.

Mighty micro people/Les micro-gens puissants

We all have obligations, don't we? Isn't the feeling of getting something big done after a really long time, or something that just is Very Important? Of course, that makes us question the quality of importance. This is a question beyond open-ended. What I, myself, love the most about obligations and duties, is how procrastinate-able they are. I actually find procrastination and delaying healthy in some senses. Is it better to work efficiently for three hours and get the same thing done that one would gradually deal with for a week, little by little,? After all, the finale is still the same... To an extent, I believe the first one being a better option, or at least something that works better for me.
Procrastination is sometimes called rationalisation in psychologists' language (google for Freudian defense mechanisms). Finding a rational explanation for in reality escaping something. I love to use "motivation-seeking" as my excuse. Or retaining my life. For example, I should have written my Extended Essay last night, but instead, I first went to gym with Sonia, then after that to cinema (to finally see The Simpsons Movie), and finally we climbed on top of Paviljonki roof and just philosophised the night away with a wonderful starry sky, and the feeling of being the most alive. I know, it might sound like some pretentious crap explanation, but I truely do believe that one should always keep her priorities steady no matter how important the daily shit we have to deal with (i.e. obligations). The feeling of feeling alive is what sort of brings lightness to our thoughts, isn't it? The feeling of warmth in your solar plexus from being able to take it in and maybe even exaggerate slightly, just to feel the moment. Carpe momentum. If you have decided already to procrastinate with your duties, then the optimum thing is to switch off all the irrelevant thoughts apart from the very moment you're living. And just en-joy. Oh believe me, it makes everything much more efficient. It shakes your priorities, makes you see beauty and light again in life and brightens up even the dullest and most tedious thoughts. No matter what, just always remember to take a moment to enjoy life and switch off from everyday burdens. You'll come back to them after a while (but note, that's in the future, therefore irrelevant at the moment), and maybe even enjoy it a bit more. Beauty puts us to see things in a better life. I think it was Pam Morrison (Jim's wife) who said that she feels the most alive witnessing beauty, I so agree with her. The feeling alive part is something I almost love the most about life. The contentment you get is irreplaceable and indescribable in words.
In conclusion for this mazy pow-wow I would just want to say that take a moment to appreciate life and beauty in it, look up at the sky, take it all in. Seize the moment, and be thankful for what you've got!

Otherwise, I must admit that I'm surprised (maybe even in a slightly negative way), that some seemingly old stories have a tendency to float back on the surface, and then make you realise that you still mind. I guess it proves well that human memory is not as short as some people (including me) might think, and as Freud once ingeniously explained, things from the unconscious can reappear, even if they are repressed for one reason or an other (defense mechanism of our ego, perhaps). But apparently, this is a part of real life we have to deal with, also. Being able to move on is a great virtue. And even the gloomiest thoughts ever have their perks, which could be seen with opening eyes a tiny bit more (yes, yes, intertextual messages here).

Oh, and one more thing! Yesterday when I was out with Sonia, sitting in town, peoplewatching, a slightly-tipsy man comes to talk to us. I must say that this guy was the only drunkard I've ever attracted (I'm in general a good bum/drunk-magnet), who had a point to make. He was going on and on about how everything has become so money-oriented, superficial and all the true love is basically gone (he was preaching for quite a while with some enriching examples of life etc, but I'm not going to retell his whole sermon ) and so on. He really did have a point. Exceptional, for Jyväskylä (and drunkards in general, I believe it's fair to conclude).
Kids, listen to people - they sometimes might even make sense!

J'irai à Paris en deux semaines! Finalement! Je ne peux plus attendre. J'éspère que ça va être magnifique. Ben, Paris, en général est une ville superbe et extravagante, c'est pourquoi je ne doute pas du tout. Il y a beacoup à faire et voir, inclu Incubus. Encore, une drole observation - je trouvais que les gens deviennent comme leurs animaux, sérieusement! C'est amusant à regarder comme, par exemple, les chiens sont éxactement comme leurs propriétaires, ou inversement... Il y a beaucoup de gens dehors d'aujourd'hui, malgré le temps horrible. Il faut que j'aille maintenant. (Vous ne me comprenez plus de toute façon..)

Just so that you know I'm alive, sort of..

Okay, I do not know what is up with my Internet connection apart from it being gone. Vanished. Not there, for a week already. I'm at school right now, about to go fetch some free food (i.e. school lunch) and then off to practise and home. How very gay. I hope I'll get my connection to the world back very soon, otherwise I'll kill something, brutally.
How have the first school days been for you, beloved ones in Estonia? I sort of envy you, but then again, you guys should be giving me credit for having survived three weeks already!
And oh, just for the record, I'm going to Paris in 20 days. Just wonderful.

PS. Eat your veggies, get your vitamins. Those contagious bastardly diseases are so very common right now. I had the meanest stomach-flu kind of thing yesterday (not nice). So please do take care!

The long-awaited chronicles from Manchester

Ave and Sonia rocking MANCHESTER (and beyond). [There's alot to read, so be prepared!]

27.07.07, Friday
The moment we [Ave och Sonia, that is] met in the airport was overflowing with joy! Sonia had to run for her life to make it to our plane. The plane trip was kind of strange, because we were surrounded by screaming babies. We were rather weirded out and on the verge of jumping off the fucking aircraft. I almost thought someone’s trying to imply something, or just being all not cool. And there were those two lads on the plane also, probably from Manchester, who were trying to, sort of, hit on us, but failed somewhat miserably. Whatever. I changed my seat from where I was supposed to be sitting, and sat next to Sonia. The (Arab) guy I was supposed to sit next to had the nastiest stare ever! His eyes were blood red and he was just.. Staring. Not nice. Anyways, the flight was okay and then we faced a major problem. Sonia’s luggage hadn’t arrived with us. The time between her flights was too short. Not nice, but we still got a kick out of it.
Then we somehow managed to find a bus that should take us home. On the bus I already got the first linguistic shock – this one guy with a guitar (quite good-looking) was on the phone and he had such a thick accent that I could barely make out what he was saying. Touché.
Before coming home we shopped for milk and juice and cheese (how nice and decent girls we appear, but alas, it was all to be consumed together with alcoholic beverages, my comrades). And finally when we found the apartment, we were astonished, because the place is really nice and big and everything. And Morten’s (one of the flat-owners) nice sneaker-collection just swept us off our little semi-Finnish feet. Baileys with milk was a perfect end for the day and we both slept like babies, drooling and everything.

28.07.07, Saturday
Woke up around 9, took shower, had some tea and cheese (because this is everything edible we had, plus the booze). Sonia’s luggage was still a mystery. So we headed to town to buy some clothes, which we did (I found an extra-cool handbag!) and we also had a lunch in Burger King (god praise junk food). After that we headed home, changed, and went to the cricket ground (Old Trafford), for the gig. The bus was rather FULL and it didn’t even take new people on, but those two really, really gorgeous lads did come on. They were both stylish and you could tell from far away, from their halo, that they were Arctic Monkeys’ fans.
The line for the entrance was shit long and we actually followed the nice guys for a while, but at the line, we lost them. After getting in, it was quite hard to realise that we were actually there, couldn't get our heads around it, and we were both like "fucking hell"!! We still saw those two really cute bus guys briefly, but then they disappeared, or well, we went to buy t-shirts. One of the first things we noticed, and that continued all night long, was that everyone, seriously, EVERYONE was smoking cheeba there! It’s almost like a national sport. While Amy Winehouse was on stage, we were standing in the line to buy 2 pints of Strongbow the whole time. We made it there, eventually. Then we chilled for a while, sat down and walked around and what ever, The Coral played. When Supergrass went on, we were standing next to this one guy who looked exactly like Pete Doherty [note! We later realised that it was, indeed, him]! He was hot, he was se-e-e-ri-ous-ly very hot. And I loved how he said ‘Sorry, love’ when he accidentally very lightly stepped on my foot, or toe (it was nothing, but you know, the Brits apologise over absolutely everything, even over stuff that’s not their fault). But after a brief contact, we lost him also and the crowd was kind of packed. It was insane being in the crowd first when Monkeys went on. People were throwing different drinks and raincoats were a smart move from our part. It could be said that we were fighting for our lives. We were first standing next to two really cool guys from York, and we actually talked to them after the concert also. They were really funny, friggin' hilarious! Pity we didn’t get their names. Our York guys they will be.
In the beginning of the gig I seriously thought we’re going to get killed, because all the pushing and pulling and everything was really wild! Nothing I’ve ever seen like! It was even crazier than some heavy metal gigs. But apparently this is a northern England speciality, the wildness. Luckily it calmed down or we just got transported away with the crowd to a quieter place, so that we were actually able to enjoy the music (which was absolutely awesomeeeeee!!) There was a really cute guy standing behind Sonia, who actually helped her with taking a picture, holding her hand still. How cute! But behind me there were some really typical English bastards, sturdy, big and awful; they were like kicking me in the back with elbows constantly. At some point the power cut and then people were chanting “we can’t hear a fucking thing, weee can’t hear a fuuuucking thiiiing”, that was kinda cool of them. And also challenging poor Alex by chanting “Now let us sing youu a song, sing you a song: we can’t hear a fuuuucking thiiing, fucking thing!” (And this was a crowd was 50,000 people). Amazingly the crowd that couldn’t hear a fucking thing still sang the lyrics, to the song that was supposedly taking place, in their own pace, so it turned out into a massive group sing-along. There’s some northern spirit for you. Luckily the amps were okay again and the concert continued. Alex is really very, very sweet and cool. He looks shy, but that’s kind of a turn-on. And mentioning that he is absolutely one of the most handsome blokes in the country, is just restating the obvious. During the last song, I got hit in the face with something that flew from far away; I have no idea what it was… But it hit my left eyebrow. How nasty, how very my luck! But it was so worth the pain.
After the gig we sort of walked out with the York guys, but they had a train to catch and we tried to make our way to some bus stop, which was a challenge. Eventually we took a tram to town and a bus from there and man, it felt good to be home. Our trousers were awfully muddy, so were our shoes, our hair was full of some liquids… we don’t even want to know what they were. Disgusting! I was holding a vodka bottle on my eyebrow so that it wouldn’t swell up bad, but we’ll see about that in the morning.
Then we ate some cheese for dinner, and some crisps (again) and went to bed. Sleep is wonderful! Oh, and Sonia’s luggage made it here also, but it’s at our neighbours’ apartment now. The neighbour, by the way, is a very stereotypical British lad also.

29.07.2007, Sunday
Woke up Sundayishly very late. Or well, late enough to rest up nicely from last night’s intense experience. We didn’t have any food apart from crisps at the apartment, so we had a bit of tea and some crisps for a micro-breakfast.
Covering up my black eye (which was also ‘slightly’ swollen) was bit of a challenge, but eventually it looked semi-bad only. Domestic violence written in my face! Yeah, you know, Sonia can be a real beast sometimes. But that’s why I love her even more. We took a bus to town and walked around a bit. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly at all, it was very busy for a Sunday. Seriously, Jyväskylä literally dies out on weekends, but bars were crowded with people and so were the streets. And the weather was, also, very nice. Well done, England! We shopped a lot in Primark and then a few other shops. Gotta love discounts! All the shops closed down around 5pm, so we decided to go on an observation wheel, kind of a ‘Manchester Eye’ (you know, London Eye). It was really cool, and we both love heights with Sonia. So it was quite a perfect ‘end’ for the crazy shopping. The view was great and we had a blast making fun of the lady in the speakers. After that we headed to the Hard Rock Café Manchester. It was at the Printworks (one huge-ass cinema complex with fuckloads of nightclubs and bars and everything), and it was huge also. Arctic Monkeys was playing at the very moment we walked in! One of the waiters looked like Orlando Bloom! I bought my mum a hard rock teddy from the store and we had some absolutely wonderful cocktails – called Bahama Mama. Yum. Then we made our way back to the centre and crabbed some hot drinks from Starbucks, sat down on the grass and enjoyed the evening sun in Manchester. People were still sitting there and chillaxing. There was a couple making out next to us on the grass. I was like “get a room!”. I also managed to spray some hot chocolate on Sonia’s (white!) sweater, on the side. My cup fell over and then it squirted the drink all over her. How very elegant, the smoothest thing ever. I'm such a charm; I can't even handle myself, sometimes.
Since we couldn’t have been bothered to cook the dinner ourselves, we decided once again to eat crap. First we thought of going to Pizza Hut, but we didn’t, because there were none nearby. So, Burger King again, with some big-ass meals. This one older kind of lad asked me if my piercing hurt. While we were eating our delicious meals, a next Arab dude tried to come to chat with us or something. I’m sort of allergic to all those random freaks that I tend to attract, somehow (not being xenophobic, but in general). Sitting at the top of a double-decker bus trying to make our way back to our apartment through the evening rush hour, Ave turns to Sonia and says “Look at that fish” Sonia focuses on a street jungle advertisement and falling into one of those moments of silence where you just linger in a black hole. Ave continues “Crossing the street!” (what are you an idiot or something??) I mean fish crossing the street and getting into a taxi?? Hellooo. Sonia first thinks “God of course, I am an idiot” before realizing that it really was a man with an inflatable fish crossing the street and bursting out laughing. This led to a 20 minute conversation (at least) over two glasses of vodka-juice and a purple eye later in the evening. Priceless! Read some fashion magazines and just laughed our arses off, as well. Quality time! I guess the full moon is to blame for us going to bed relatively late. I couldn’t fall asleep myself, and I read for one more hour or so before I could sleep.
[Shopkeeper in Boots, "Did you get punched or something?"]

30.07.2007, Monday
Waking up before 10am on a holiday is a sin, if it’s not absolutely inevitably necessary. So we slept quite long and took our time with the morning tea and breakfast (that consisted of some really good yoghurt – goodbye crisps!). Then we headed to town and took the bus 250 to the Trafford Centre, which is apparently the biggest shopping mall in the UK (not sure, though). It was a bit out of the city, but that makes perfect sense, as it’s huge. It was really, really fucking immense. And they were actually building a new section for home stuff, and the new section was already bigger than some shopping centres I’ve seen. Mind-blowing stuff! We were both expecting to find a concrete jungle or something, but the building in itself was actually very fancy. It was kind of old style with cupolas and everything, fountains, and little decoration niches inside. And fuckloads of different cool-ass shops. We are absolutely horrible when it comes to shopping. I bought myself two new pairs of sneakers, of which I only needed one, and Sonia spent around… a fortune. Anyways, we left the place with huge bags full of stuff, and to top it all, we bought the most expensive water we’ve ever seen in the end of the day. Four bottles were £8 all together (12€, 180eek). But the water was in cool, flask-like bottles, so we had to.
We went to eat in Pizza Hut also, ordered medium size pizzas and downed it all. Crazy stuff, we were so full afterwards that we couldn’t move for 15 minutes, at least. And it hurt to walk for the next hour. But the food was de-li-ci-ous.
The trip back to town was slightly funny, because Sonia had apparently left her intelligence or at least brains in the mall and was absolutely slow with her thoughts. I almost felt sorry for her. It was hilarious though, how she couldn’t understand a fucking thing of what I was saying to her. But oh well, we all have our moments, and that wasn’t her moment for sure. I love her nevertheless.
At home we didn’t do anything too significant either, just chillaxed and took it easy. We also discovered that my eye has really gone black now (not just purple), and foundation really helps with covering it up so that it would look like unprofessionally used eye shadow. Sonia realised there is no way on earth she is going to be able to take all her stuff back to Finland with the bag she has got. She packed stuff with her for at least a three-week-trip. Insane, I didn’t take half as much stuff, (and half of my stuff is actually unused) but I’ll still probably manage. But oh well, it’s Sonia we’re talking about, and she has her own ways of doing stuff. That’s so very adorable. Off to bed quite early, because tomorrow is going to be a “hard day”.

31.01.2007, Tuesday
Today is Ave’s name day! I woke up half past five instead of half past seven this morning, because I had put my alarm on without realising that my mobile had Estonian time there. What a stupid fuck. Well, then we had two more hours to sleep and I had the worst nightmares ever, plus I couldn’t really sleep properly as my nose was a bit blocked and throat sore. But In my dream I was first covered with blood in some jail or something and then I was in my old school house with all the other people there and I remembered I was really, really sick (in a wheelchair!), and I was going to die definitely. I also remember some male person holding me really tight in his arms, kind of like protecting me, but I can’t remember who it was. I don’t even want to think of what this dream could have meant.
Anyways, when it was the right time, we got up once again and after the morning rituals we fucked off to town and even managed to find a coach station without too big of confusion. In the bus station I realised that I am absolutely, 100% broke and I don’t even have the money for going back to Tallinn from Helsinki. Great! The buses worked out really fine, though. Got our round-trip tickets with £6, and the bus left in 5 minutes also, very smooth. Liverpool was as sunny as Manchester. The first image of mine was a bit blown away, because I do have a special kind of relationship with Liverpool. We walked around in town, visiting various different the Beatles shops and desperately trying to find a Starbucks, which we did, after a while. The largest caramel macchiato lattes were absolutely great, again. Gosh, I love Starbucks! It was a blast sitting in the street, drinking coffee and people-watching, and commenting on them. The Liverpool people differ in style (and size!) from Mancs. They’re a bit more laid back and casual when it comes to style, and it sort of reflects in their shape also. Maybe one of five women was in normal size, in a lucky case. No wondering really, why the average waist measure in the UK is 34 inches nowadays (average!).
We tried to go have lunch on the docks, but unfortunately they were all closed for public because of renovation and reconstruction works. So we just sat down on the stairs of some building nearby and enjoyed our “healthy” choice – carrots, some Italian style bread, and cheese, there. It was surprisingly good (and cheap also). We ended up sitting there for at least an hour, doing almost nothing, being absolutely numb and stupid, but loving it with every cell in our bodies. Eventually we had to move, because sun had moved quite a lot and the shadow was coming onto us. I also talked to Karl and Ragnar on the phone, they are now in Barcelona, and they’re coming back to Finland a few hours later than me. I’d love to see them all and stuff. I also worked out a plan for getting money, with my brother, because I need to get back to Estonia somehow. We’ll see about it (and I remembered that I had promised to buy Stass 5 packs of Pall Mall ciggies).
After the meal and everything, we walked back to the [shopping] centre, where we followed a handsome bloke for a while and ended up in a church yard. After spending, literally, our last coins in Hennes and Mauritz on suspenders and a belt. The church yard was cute with nicely cut grass and other people chilling there. Didn’t do anything too meaningful there either, just relaxed and it was great. Lying on the church lawn, we saw a guy passing on the street with his kid, a little boy. In the following scenario, the man told his son (presumably son) “Say hello” boy: “helloo” man looking at us: “say gorgeous” boy: “gorgeous.” We continued to attract attention from two slightly dodgy men and a woman; the woman expressing interest in getting into the church garden (by this time the gate was locked despite a hole in the gate which will be returned to later), while man 1 compliments Ave’s socks and creepy man 2 asks Sonia “Want a cuddle?” Thanks, and no thanks. They closed the gates before we could be bothered to raise our cute arses, so we had to crawl through a tiny-ass hole in the gate. Whatever, really.
It’s funny that everything closed down already around 7pm. So, we didn’t have anything better to do than to hit a bar for 2 pints of Fosters, for our (almost) last money. It was more than heavenly – cold beer after a long day walking and being all touristy. Yum.
We also took our time with walking to the bus station, as we had fuckloads of time. The sunset above the city skyline was absolutely wonderful again (not that I would love sunsets or anything). In the bus station we couldn’t help ourselves and bought one pack of crisps and a pack of Wherther’s Original candies (fockin’ good!), for our very last money, this time. Awful, but crisps Are good, and so are the candies. The bus trip back was quite sleepy and also the rest of the evening. Try making sense of the world while you’re having a battle with sleepiness who’s quite a strong lad, with a hard punch.

01.08.2007, Wednesday
We seriously slept in today, but it makes perfect sense, because Liverpool was very, very tiring! We didn’t have any proper plans made for the day, so we just went to town, I took some goodies with us (a pack of crisps, two nectarines and a bottle of Baileys) and we did some people-watching also, after visiting the cathedral. Somehow churches tend to attract us. We were planning our departure the next day, drinking Baileys from a paper bag (you know, public drinking is illegal), and as I looked at the text message Finnair had sent me, I realised that MY flight is on 03.08, not on 02.08, as Sonia’s… So we were a bit alarmed, and called Sonia’s dad. He said her flight is the next day, for sure. Umm, okay, that was slightly random and we already worked out a plan for me to stay one more day in Manchester, alone. Fucking hell, must say. That was seriously whacked. So, we went to Marks and Spencer and bought some milk, crisps (!), and cheese. I seriously can’t remember what normal food tastes like! So, we called my parents and everything and they were a bit shocked, but oh well, nothing to do about it either. So we drank our Baileys and went to Printworks for a sec, to find out if there is anything good happening in clubs this night. Nothing in Tiger Tiger, but some student night in Birdcage, across the street. Okay. Then we went home and I helped Sonia with the packing and everything, because she took things for two months with her, and bought some new stuff also, so she had a bag issue. When we were almost done with the packing, Sonia found her flight booking, and it was also on 03.08.07!!! So we called her dad again, and the whole fuss had been about nothing, or well, about Sonia’s dad thinking that we were to come back on Thursday. That was beyond hilarious, seriously. We laughed our arses off so bad! Oh fuck, that was funny. We cracked up about it still the whole night. As we were home, and Sonia packed, we thought of what to do. Couldn’t be bothered to hit the club, so we just started drinking vodka at home. It was damn fun also. We gossiped about blokes and made some wedding plans (never mind!) and the usual girly stuff. Then at one point we realised that the guy at Arctic Monkeys’ gig, who stepped on my foot and said “Sorry, love” and who was absolutely very doable, was fucking Pete Doherty! We had been talking about it earlier, and we said that he looked exactly like him, but then it all made sense, and it was fucking him! Flirting with Pete Doherty is not something you do everyday, you know. We were seriously blown off our feet. Especially me. Oh dear lord. Oh dear lord! Oh my fucking god! I’m so glad I managed to take the picture with Sonia’s camera, secretly. At least we’re not slow or anything with realising stuff.
It was a blast getting tipsy at home with good music and the little fan girls in us. I think Sonia actually finally realised that she went to see Arctic Monkeys last Saturday, and furthermore she saw gorgeous Alex once again. And I freaking flirted with Pete Doherty! He is so very doable. Argh. I can’t get my head around it!!!

02.08.07, Thursday
Waking up early is so not cool! So we just took our time again in the morning, with a few cups of tea, cheese and bread for breakfast, taken in with Cosmopolitan and Elle magazines. Our little morning chat again and then finally around two pm we finally went to town. In town we went to Urbis, the cool-ass urban museum with a cool-ass gift shop also. The exhibition was absolutely cool, with street art and a history of this one club/gig venue in Manchester, Hacienda. It was seriously very, very cool. Then we took like an hour in Marks and Spencer again, to figure out which bread to buy and we ended up buying almost the same kind Italian bread and some canned beans and cheese and toffee. So, we came home, prepared some yummy food, we were both absolutely starving, by the way, and munched away. Then we pretty much tried to pack our things, Sonia had apparently no probs with that, as I had done it for her already last night. I, myself, had quite a challenge with trying to fit my stuff in my tiny lime green suitcase. Now we’ve been trying to contact this one Welsh friend of Sonia’s, Liam, who’s in York right now, at some gig. We really hope he’s going to drive to Manchester, to chill out with us for a while, but this is somewhat unlikely, as he might be getting absolutely plastered with some people already, and we can’t get hold of him. Bummer, but we’ve got our Russian friend with us, green apple taste this time, and some orange juice to company us.
What is love, baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more! We didn’t manage to reach Liam after all, however, Sonia called his sister (who was at a pub in Liverpool), didn’t understand half of what Sarah was saying, and well, we concluded that Liam is probably dead or mugged somewhere.

03.08.2007, Friday
Still no life-sign from Liam, his phone seems to be switched off or something (or then stolen or lost). One thing we hate about our lovely flat here is that the “quiet time” ends 9am, which means that all the construction workers and lawnmowers go crazy in the morning. It was such a turn on to wake up to (not). Anyhow, we rose our bums around 10am, showered, etc, etc, ate the last antipasti loaf and cheese, of course and some tea. It’s incredible how we’ve managed to eat absolute crap for the past week, and we’re still healthy, sort of. Then we did the final packing, which was absolute pain, and cleaned up the place. The vacuum cleaner they had in the flat was called Quiet Jet, and believe me, it was everything but quiet. It was the most twisted electronic device I’ve used past few months. It made a horrible noise and it was a real challenge to clean the floors with it. But we survived. A thing to note also is how much litter we produced with this one week. We had three huge bags full of shoe boxes and labels and one huge-ass trash can full of other crap.
We made it alive to the airport with bus, with our fucking heavy bags (it was pain dragging them) and now we’re sitting in the terminal and just chilling, because our flight is in two hours. Cannot be bothered to go through the security yet, because we’ve still got some bread rolls on us with spread cheese, and we should eat them. Mwhaha. And some people watching should be done also. Oh gosh, by the way, I think we witnessed the ugliest women in Manchester on the bus. They were two moderately obese ladies, with 0,5cm hair, triple chins, nonexistent style and the weirdest bags ever (they were on wheels and looked a bit trolly-like). And they were whining about the bus breaks. I guess it could be categorised as some sort of a childhood trauma of ours. It was dreadful, seriously. Yuck.
We were blessed with good luck at the check-in, because there was almost no line at Finnair desks and we got away smoothly. But we did manage to prove ourselves stupid again by first starting to walk to the wrong terminal instead of checking it from the paper. When it comes to us, it’s so very typical to do something like that. No brain action, whatsoever.
So, this is it. Man, don’t really want to go home. This holiday mode is very easily adaptive and hard to give up, and thinking that we start school in a fucking week is just painful. Hell no! Excruciating. Agonising. Terrible. Help.

CONCLUSION
Sonia saw Alex, and so did I. I flirted with Pete Doherty. We’re both shit broke now. We ended up at some very random places. The weather managed to surprise us with being absolutely non-English. Well done. Food is expensive, but at least the cheese tastes like something. Carrots and baked beans are cheap. Double-deckers are cool. The pubs in England are so nicely dodgy. It was a blast. It was wonderful, quality time. The best thing ever! And I actually managed to shift my accent from 100% pure American to a southern England accent with an undefined twist.
Oh, and the women in England are seriously ugly, and the blokes are quite doable, most of them. And the beer is also very good.
And we both wonder what normal food tastes like…
Oh, and Liam is, indeed, alive. He just lost his phone or something and hasn't got a new one yet. So he's all good and he has to make it up to us with coming to Finland at some point now. Or else...
And we're not slow or anything, just a bit underdeveloped.. :D But it's all good!
Over and out.

Meet me in outerspace.

... with an obligatory puppy-face.

An unfinished sympathy

Here's one very interesting start of a conversation, which is going to be continued sometime very soon, hopefully. I just wanted to share the good ideas with you. And I love metaphors. (It's also relevant when looking at the last sentence of my previous text-post.)

ave says:
it's sort of weird, the state i'm in, right now
ave says:
i'm pretty much on a blank page, when it comes to human relationships
ave says:
but there's still this tiny bit of gleam from the previous page ink.. (get my point?)
Jani says:
but now you have an excelent opportunity to grab that pen and create something you want to
ave says:
but you know the first few lines are the hardest part
ave says:
especially when your head and heart have emptied themselves completely
ave says:
i tied all the loose ends in tallinn this summer, and also in espoo, now
ave says:
and jyväskylä did it itself
ave says:
for example, i noticed that my state doesn't change one bit when JP is around
Jani says:
well, you can always have a small break from writing, chill, and look for inspiration
ave says:
but you know, the previous pages haven't been good enough to make a writing either. everything has been so scattered and blurry and made no sense whatsoever
ave says:
so, i'm still hungry for context
ave says:
not just the bare fact that there are words
ave says:
or some... symbols
ave says:
and the symbols haven't formed words and the words haven't formed sentences, this far
ave says:
disarray only.
ave says:
you see my point?
ave says:
so, in a way, i did turn another page. and i can sort of see the lines coming through paper from previous pages.. but it doesn't bother me
ave says:
what bothers me the most is that i'm afraid that i won't get inspired, or the better way to put it would be that the inspiration won't come to me. it'll just be another page of turbid nonsense
Jani says:
maybe you have to take a look and try to improve your writing technique
ave says:
i see your point. it's always about the writer, not the inspiration coming wrongly or from the wrong direction... yes?
Jani says:
i think insipiration can never be wrong, it's just that it takes the right kind of way to make good of it
ave says:
but doesn't inspiration sometimes modify by its own?
Jani says:
explain
ave says:
it's a bit hard
ave says:
you know, sometimes, inspiration might inspire you, but it's not the best kind you could get, whatever determines a 'good' inspiration anyway, but you know, things get complicated and in the end it gets distorted again, even though the writer had good intentions and knew, inside, how to write
Jani says:
then maybe you should write in a postmodernist style
Jani says:
=)
ave says:
explain
ave says:
( i think my life is so postmodern already... so could my book handle it also? )
ave says:
( could i, the writer, handle the postmodernism in my book? )
Jani says:
make the blurriness just a way of telling the story and take a light approach to relationships, like Tómas or Sabina in the Unbearable Lightness Of Being
ave says:
i guess what has made everything i've put down this far so heavy, is the blurriness. i have to resignificance it all to myself. this is going to be hard, and heavy, as i know how heavy i am with my thoughts in this category..
Jani says:
yeah
Jani says:
it's interesting. maybe we should continue on friday(?). now i should be off to bed to read some more =(
ave says:
its interesting, indeed, and now as i've read the unbearable lightness of being, we can talk it all through
ave says:
but i think i'm just going to ditch my pen and the book for a while and see what happens this way. maybe the open book in front of me is what has become a burden now. i mean, i can always open the book (again) if The Inspiration should come to me, right
Jani says:
exactly
ave says:
but good night for now. i think we just gave the devil a finger with this conversation and it's gonna swallow the whole of us
ave says:
but later.

What do You think about it?

Eclipse

Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...

Everywhen

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? I am, indeed in love with some things. But I suspect I can actually name them. One of them is The Doors, of course, because I fell for it even more after watching a movie about them (it's called The Doors also, duh). It was wonderful! I did that after coming back from Manchester at Iiro's place. We stayed up quite late, until 5am or so, because we just couldn't get sleep. And I was still tossing around in my bed for a few more hours. Going on a ship next morning was absolute pain.
But yes, Manchester. It was wild, I must say. Wild in a mellow and cool way. I saw Arctic Monkeys live, it was fabulous, and then also got a black eye from the gig and flirted with Pete Doherty. The black eye came from something flying at my eyebrow during the last song. It was very, very ugly. In England I also went to Liverpool for a day. The whole trip was a nice chillout, in general, with an exellent company, Sonia.
(And it's me you need to show how deep is your love, how deep is your love... they all should let us be, we belong to you and me..)
Then I finished my summer work in Estonia, finally. Got paid. Finished everything unfinished, pretty much, and came back here with a clean sheet to start from. I also handled some situations in Helsinki before returning to Jyväskylä. Everything didn't exactly go the way I planned, but I guess I found the peace of mind I was looking for in those questions 300km away.
My first night of being back in Jyväskylä was slightly depressing. I didn't feel like being here a tiny bit. The thought of having to go to school the next morning just sucked ass bigtime. Luckily I got over it, because the first day of school turned out to be really nice. The school part was a little pointless, sweaty, and full of "old" faces. It's funny how in high school people don't change radically over summer any more. After school I was hanging out with some people, went to eat in Soppis with Emmi and Aleksi, hanged out with Aleksi a bit more, went home, Aleksi came here, we had a few drinks and then headed off to Sohwi, to drink. I had a surprisingly good time with him. It was seriously, unexpectedly cool. And when I walked home from town, I realised I was walking with a constant smile on my face. That's something. And the feeling of contentment was just so divinely harmonised with one of the things I love the most about summer endings - the velvet deep dark starry skies. It's so mindblowingly beautiful. I sat by my lake, marvelled at the reflections of street lights and everything on the silky-looking water surface. Seizing the moment they call it. I loved it.
The first decent day of school was slightly pointless also. We only had 2 hours of ToK and that was about it.
One thing I noticed today, was that this one scheming feeling towards this one person, awoke again. I wonder, I wonder if anything will come out of it (no it's not a crush).
I would so want to fall in love, for real. Feel the queasy butterflies in my stomach and the feeling of extraterrestial floating 24/7. I'd love that:).
I hope I'm not going to die with all the school stuff I have for already next week. It's not going to be lightsome.

Read Milan Kundera's The Unbearble Lightness of Being.

What does Your soul look like?

Hungry, hungry hippos

England tomorrow, yay! My life has been so colourful and intense lately, that it's beyond mindblowing. The pace with which things develop is very, very high. It's remarkable, how everything varies like a diagram of your heart activity on the computer.. Once it's very mellow and cool, and the very next moment you're busting your arse with work and everything just collides, and all the crap you can possibly think of, gathers on one little nerve cell of yours. And when the latter one happens, you fail to see any positivity in life whatsoever. And you just neglect the little things that could, in theory (and in practice also), bring you back to the brighter side of life. Why is it that we don't cling onto these things? And haven't you noticed that the 'why' questions are the hardest of all? When we most need something that is in our reach, why don't we reach for it? Is it some sort of a pride thing keeping us back, telling us that we have to crawl out of everything ourselves, just to prove our self-efficacy?
I feel a bit emptier today, than usual. It's not any kind of a negative emptiness in me, just the comprehension of the indispensable.. Sucks to realise that your life is controlled by some external elements that are always there, that you can do nothing about, and that arranges everything surrounding. Of course, some things come down to your own decisions also, but if to choose something over something... which one to take: the one that suggests contentment in longrun, maybe with some withdrawals... or something that is absolutely pure pleasure, but only ephemeral, unrepeated? The only comfort and consolation I see in this question is the thought of believing in fate. Shouldn't everything that happens, happen for a reason explained somewhere higher from the colloquial and banal, literally down-to-earth action? Who knows. But it sure diminishes the anguish caused by the inevitable and imminent.
When all is said and done, all that's left, is just to accept everything, try and make best out of it and not to stress about it. Everything goes as it's supposed to. I presume.
England is going to be a blast. We're gonna rock those brits so hard, it's not even funny;)!

All these todays just melt into tomorrows

Life of a workaholic is kind of hard. Sucks to be me, ey;) (but I'm loving every second of it, to be honest). Otherwise, everything is as good as always. My Finnish people and a Canadian just left today after they had been here from last Saturday. It was really cool having them here, but it sucked because I got sick and I had work almost every day... So I couldn't hang out with them nor be a proper hostess. I don't get it - I haven't been sick throughout the whole school year, and now, in the summer, I manage to catch a friggin cold:S. Makes no sense whatsoever..
Kristin and all the other exchange-niggas are back (the European ones) now. I was so happy to see Kristin I cried. I love the tears of joy. It's something undescribably beautiful, and relieving, in a way. It's a really cosy and warm feeling to have someone back you've missed for so long. But it feels like she wouldv'e been here all the time. I guess the country or the continent doesn't really make any difference, when the friendship is true and big and strong. Exactly the same with Piret coming back from Chile.. It was like a long-ass trip, not a year abroad.
I so love my friends<3.>

And oh:D, my voice is so darn husky right now, it's not even funny. Well, in fact it is, but it's not too cool for me. I sound like a friggin whore from behind the train station.. Mwhaha. (to be read with a hoarse tone)

I can't believe Iiro, Karl, Pete and Ragnar are gonna be eurotripping for a whole month! I'm gonna miss them and I'm also so jealous. A whole month in Europe. Freedom. Time of their lives. Lucky muffins.
But jeesh, sleep now very, very important, as I have work tomorrow again. Quite early.
Booyah!

Mighty micro people

My ecstasy?

In quicksand

I've now been working at the new sales company for two days. Surprisingly I even enjoy it to a very high extent. I've always thought that salespeople are stupid and annoying pervs, and now being one of them myself (I still believe it a bit:D) I think it's not that monochromatic at all. Being a salesperson recquires good skills of approaching people and not scaring them away, because the attitude towards those folks is well-known, isn't it?
I love it right now how I'm just so busy that it isn't even funny, but the great thing with all the action is that thing actually get done. It's so true to say that who does, gets thing done. Stating the obvious again, obviously.

I've often been wondering about changes in our lives. Factors, that affect the flow of our life-rivers. There are always rocks in the water and all those other obstacles to overcome. Yet the flow never stops. It never stops. It might change direction, sometimes, but don't you find it all natural?
After all, isn't it all about how we perceive the world ourselves? We might take the change of direction as a form of change, but isn't this overrating?
I strongly suggest people to read Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I think the idea of this book pretty much describes my philosophical perception of life at the moment.
I've worked out a profound theory of the meaning of life and everything, but it's way too complex to be put down here. It's something I'd want to discuss about with a glass of good wine and a perfect company worthy of having a discussion about everything and yet nothing. It's complicated and deep, yet so simple and logical, so overrated but yet sometimes the value of it is neglected somewhere under a pile of filthy sadness and bitterness of the unwanted and repressed emotions that crawl upon us from the ill boundaries we set ourselves with the imaginary rules (and the sentence needs punctuation, yes..)... It's just so iffy, I love it. Take it all in, kids. The complexity and simplicity melange is what makes it so fascinating. Just don't forget to see beauty in ugliness and perfection in beauty.
The love for living is what keeps the flow in the right direction. It's easy to lose it. Just don't let things get to you.
And the thing they call regretting... there is no such thing. What's done is done, don't look back. Doesn't matter how hard we try, it's impossible to change time. It's something we have to live with and accept the fact that everything passed is past. Period. (I'll go eat something now.)

Strangest secret

This is so fucking strange! I was waiting for my bus earlier today, and I caught myself from wondering about what the fuck is up with the pigeons! I had about 25 minutes to wait there and the place was... well not full of pigeons, but there was, say, plenty of them. They've recently started being all buff and fluffy and show-offy. I guess they're on heat or something. Anyhow, the thing that I was wondering about really was that how the hell don't we ever see pigeon chicks?! Well, there's no way on earth I'm gonna buy that they're born in the size we see them in the streets... Where are the pigeons until they grow up? And don't the smaller pigeons (chicks) ever come to the streets then? This is so darn trippy! I've never noticed it before, but it sure is strange. Pay attention to it sometimes and it'll freak you out also! I was so blown away by it that all our family was talking about in the dinner table tonight, was pigeons:D.
GO FIGURE!!

I'm gonna go and paint (it black!) my book shelves now. Hopefully in a few days I can rearrange my room, get rid of the excessive crap.

I feel like calming down. I seriously pray I'm not gonna blow anything this time. Or is there a point in trying at all? We sure all know where everything in my life ends up at..

Music is math

Passing by

Well. It's nice. I mean, it's nice considering all the confusion around. I just don't seem to be able to get my head around stuff again. It feels like I'd have nothing to say. I don't think I do. I do know one thing right now - I wish I could be in Finland right now. I wish I could take my cool Estonians with me and just be there. And I need to calm down... settle down. I had my fair share of shit in change of the wildlife I've been living. Or maybe I just matured overnight (impossible). Btw, if anyone happens to have a spare apartment in the center of London, please do inform me. I'm looking for a place to live there. It seems unrealistic that I am, in fact, moving away from Finland already in a year. Man, time flies!
[Funki Porcini - Wicked, Cruel, Nasty and Bad]

I aspire for lightness, but this is what really makes it heavy, do you see what I mean?

I should hold my horses for a while..

Astral travelling

This morning I pretty much out of random decided to come to Finland. I had been home for one long week already. Things had managed to happen.. It was a decision made in five minutes, to head off to the North. For a few days only, but still, I guess a good way to recharge batteries so that they'd last the whole long and nice summer.
I'm so increadibly tired right now, but I feel a strong urge to tell my beloved ones who read this thing here about my wonderful trip to the USA.
I'll do it some other night perhaps, because I seriously need some sleep. I've let myself go, completely. I'm dreadfully confused.
Boards of Canada - Dayvan Cowboy(8)

On the verge of...

What's the use of feet if you haven't got legs?

[Telefon Tel Avin - john thomas on the inside is nothing but foam
Telefon Tel Avin - lotus above water(8)]

Today I read the whole day. I feel insipid. Insipid, but with a slight drop of hope that I might even pass my exams. Might.

Sometimes I'm wondering why on earth do I even write here. What's the use? A good cause? Where? To whom?

Kids, listen to good idm!

Your face reminds me of when I was old..

I remember the future!

"To be to somebody the cause of sufferings and joys, without having any right to it - is this not the sweetest possible nourishment for our pride?" /M.Lermontov, A Hero of our Time/

Isn't this one of those nasty truths that our poor minds so eagerly delight, yet so seldom dare to admit? We are obtruded by the moral and ethical normatives dictated by a recondite societal brainwash-system. Trying so phreneticly to differentiate ourselves from the rest of the gray masses, we just make up the very same one little particle in the big substance, trying to swim upstream.
So, what takes us/them/me/you down?

Or what do we really aspire for?

It's just one of those pseudo-philosophical wannabe moments of mine. To be taken with a hint of jest.
[St.Germain - So Flute]

My head feels like a frisbee.

I just hate it sometimes when things budge away from their normal axis and then nothing's right any more. For example, circardian rythms are something that can very easily be altered, even unintentionally. Even a little factor like having an exam the next day can just f*ck you up the following day. I suffered from mediocre insomnia last night. This morning I was just semi-dead. When I got back from town, in the afternoon, I fell asleep. Now it's 00:15 and I feel no fatigue whatsoever! It's kind of fascinating yet imbecile how easily human beings can be manipulated by.. something. And here's a fun fact: when I tried to enjoy sauna earlier, I could stay there for a few minutes only, because I got a brutal epistaxis (don't even ask me why I know this posh word for a nosebleed:D). Anyhow, this is some boring stuff.
Well, not that I would have anything too relevant to say anyways. My summer holiday starts in 5 days pretty much. This is rather pleasant.
I bought myself a cool new belt today, probably one of the coolest belts I've ever stumbled upon. It's men's. :D Krhm.
I'm going to read some Doctor Zhivago or some school stuff in order to get sleepy. I wonder if it's going to work..
[Jaga Jazzist - I have a ghost, now what?]

When everything else is gone.

I'm so fucking blank right now. And still I'm obliged to write my Psychology exam tomorrow. I've just produced 13 (hic!) pages of conspect and ... I don't think I know anything. Blank. Empty. Meaningless. Inaccessible. Blunt. Overproduced. Inefficient. Irrational. Senseless.
Yet there's hope. One week to go and I've put an end to it, for now.
[Bonobo - Sleepy Seven]

En fågel i handen är bättre än tio i skogen.

I feel sort of guilty for not having written anything relevant here for ages. This entry is no better either. My summer break starts in 10 days, basically. Within these 10 days I have to survive 4 mock exams, English WL essay and Math porfolio. Yay. I hope you can just feel the immeasurable excitement of mine.
It has been fairly intense latterly. I pretty much hate myself for procrastinating with everything I have to do, but I guess working under heaps of stress is the only way I can actually get anything done. Sucks to be me, but apparently we all have our own ways of floating our boats, yes?
Klute - Ambient Hell (8)
Amazing to think that in two weeks exactly I'm going to be on my way to SF... Mindblowing! Of course, the flight there is rather bitch, because it's about 14h, if I remember right. I am definitely going to be bedsore after this. You know, I have my blogger thingie here in Finnish and for the love of god, it does not sound/look/feel good at all. Why can't they just keep it simple and English? Speaking of English and Finnish languages... I'm turning finglish. My linguistic breakdowns are not even funny any more! It scares the hell out of my bum each time, but I mean... it's not normal for me to go speak Finnish to my English-speaking friends. Crazy stuff.
The stuff going on in Tallinn is not nice at all. I hope it will (c)ease soon.

My Winamp just went nuts. I should try to crawl into bed also. I drank too much of that heavenly Nepali tea earlier. Surprising how good an unflavoured simple black tea can taste. Oh and my mum also came back from Belgium and she brought me the best chocolate pralinés ever. Oh man, I've been (involuntarily) dieting for too long now. Happy days! Food!
I love food.

By the way, all plots and schemes seem to be untangling now, eventually. I guess it's a good thing. But you never know, you know. Those sneaky things sometimes just get you without you even noticing. And this is what I call a sticky situation.
Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love (8) (I don't even want to recall the version Aleksi sang:D... 'how deep is your ....') it's a cool song, though. It was cool singing it in the grocery with him. Nanananaaaa...

Okay, when one does not have anything functional to say, one should shut the f*ck up. Hence, I shall precipitate to the fortuitous oblivion discharge dormant stage that our lives provide us with. Not to sound sophisticated or anything.
Klute - Part of Me(8)

All the same.

Today I woke up and I was seriously so abashed by the scene seen from my window. It was snowy and snowing outside. WTF, mates? Global warming my ass! And more towards the day, it was nice and sunny, but when we got out of school, it was gray and cold and windy again and it was hailing. I don't get it. Something is very wrong. Something is/was very wrong with my mood as well. There's something bringing me down, but I'm not very sure about what it could be. At least I'm not in denial about my mood-swings.
I still haven't got used with my new lighter hair. It freaks me out each time I see my reflection in the mirror.
Oh, haha. Today during lunch, I had the cutest and most embrassing moment with JP. He was sitting right across the dining hall from me and we were keeping eye-contact while eating. And of course, I'm the most horrible eater in the world, or at least in Finland... And it was so cool, because he doesn't seem to be the smoothest eater either, at least when someone is watching. So we both had quite a good laugh, at each other. I don't really understand this guy, though. But I cannot be bothered to really go deep into the topic and try to figure out the details. It's all the same. I wonder what's up with all the guys in our school wearing the exact same jeans, by the way?
This confusing guy still confuses me, and I'm not sure if it's in the positive way. I think we have the kind of love-hate relationship. Go figure..

And casually, it is totally normal to have a discussion over me wearing (red) leather underwear or not. :D This is what you get in our ToK lessons. And of course, fucking frozen chicken and then cooking it. Gotta love IB:D. We're all a bunch of perverts, I love it!

I realised I use big words a lot, grand words. But I'm not sure if it's a bad thing neccessarily..
Maybe it's just in order to try to impart the message in a stronger mean.

At least we dig each other.

I love home.
I love my friends. (The Ones know it perfectly well and other people are just cool:)
I love my quality time at home with my precious friends.
I love alcohol consumed in right amounts.
I love music so very much.
I love other mind-altering substances and moments.
I love enjoying it all.
I love emotions.
The list is to be continued.

I'm listening to Nelly Furtado - Say It Right(8) at the moment. Strange how drifted away from pop music I used to be, but ms Furtado I dig a lot. The song is rather alternative-pop, when trying to squeeze a piece of music into some frames (which is so extremely wrong to do, actually). Anyhow, I was just now thinking about the emotions the song gives me. It's a good song, but still it in a way depresses me. Strange. But it's not the bad kind of depression. I haven't even ever thought about the message ms Furtado is trying to address to us with it. So, go figure. But this is not what I came here to talk about. It was just a random drifting away of my mind. Should snap out of it.

My long weekend in Estonia has been so wonderful. I have to admit I seldom enjoy Finland that much. In Finland only short instances are as enjoyable as this whole time here has been for me now. I wonder what causes it.. I'm not saying I wouldn't like it in Finland, but it's just so friggin different. In a good way? (My cat just had the biggest eyes I've ever seen:D it was totally "8" face:D, nice.)

I'm shivering. I hope I didn't catch a cold, because I've managed to preserve my good health through the whole winter. Would suck to get sick now, just before my exams. I should probably go take a hot bath and go to bed... I don't know. It's all so strange. I'm confused. I'm happy and not so happy at the same time. HOW EMO CAN YOU GET:D?! A split personality. I don't think I should even bother to understand those schemes hovering through my head... Hopeless case, I guess.

I would so do Jude Law. I so would! I would do lots of things. I would like to do lots of things. The more, the better:D (and please, this time I'm NOT implying anything dirty).
But I do even sometimes amuse myself, with how dirty and gross and corrupt my mind can be. All those nasty little details keep amusing me, and I'm sure someone is going to send me to an anti-dirty-treatment soon. At least it's all fun.

I'm gonna go take a hot bath now (sorry, jacuzzi;)).

And if someone feels like it, I'm giving out FREE HUGS:)! Positiveness is always good and it's such a nice way of saying "it's all good, someone cares". And even if caring is not included, it's cute and warm (practical purposes included as a bonus). Kids, hug more:)! Hugs are good.

5 weeks and I'm off to San Francisco! How cool is that.