Just as serious as your life

So good

2008-11-23T21:34:00.001+02:00

I could submerge ever so casually in this feeling right now. Send shivers down my spine, intoxicate me with your presence.
I am your fool.

Harrow People Say Police Racist (my first ever voxpop story)

2008-10-07T21:46:00.001+03:00

Yesterday afternoon in the streets of Harrow, people’s opinions mostly supported the claim of The Metropolitan Police being racist, after a recent scandal breaking out about institutional racism within the police force. The problem seems not only to exist within the police, but also in the contact between civilians of ethnic minorities and the police.

Remigius, a 33-year-old student from Tanzania said he hasn’t had any experiences with the racist policemen, but his friends have. “Blacks are more likely to be randomly stopped and searched. If it’s random, let it be random,” he says. He commented on those searches, which have become more frequent lately: “I suspect that a lot of what they’re searching for goes through different channels [that] they think are safe.”

Mary Hale, 79, from Harrow, finds the question hard to answer, but she has not noticed any racism from the police. “I respect the police, they are the ones to turn to for help.” On young black men being randomly searched often, she comments: “But young black males do get in trouble, so stopping them more often is justified.”

Dillon, 24, a devoted Muslim, thinks racism is both institutional and civilian-based. He said the top end of the police hierarchy is racist: “They’re of certain backgrounds, drive certain cars, and went to certain schools. I would never join the police force, look what happened to Tarique Ghaffur.” He adds: “The only way it would change is when politicians change.”

Recently there has been much public talk about racial issues within the Metropolitan Police, and also towards civilians. Dillon from Harrow brought up the topic of a Pakistani police officer not getting promoted because of his ethnicity, proves there is racism within the institution. Fran, 18-year-old student from Cambridge comments also on more elaborate forms of discrimination: “There probably is racism, but I can’t bring any examples. The closest I could get is tattooed people being looked at suspiciously.”

There is a lot of discrimination and injustice to fight within the Metropolitan Police, and the whole society. The clash has gone even so far that the National Black Police Association is considering publicly discouraging people of ethnic minorities joining the police, because they would not be treated fairly.Lela, a 56-year-old Hindu, and Sadia, a 45-year-old Muslim, from Harrow agree: “No matter what you say, racism exists.”

The New Beginning

2008-09-30T14:52:00.002+03:00

From now on I will not be writing here that much any more. I've started a new phase in my life which I absolutely love, and I'm trying to revive my Estonian now. You can check out what's going on in London from HERE.
I will not abandon this one completely, but just.. we shall see.
Lots of love.

And so it is

2008-09-11T13:29:00.003+03:00

Hando told me he picked up a good piece of thought from some film..

It's good to be scared, that means you have something left to lose.

And it's so true.

Jorma said it

2008-08-31T00:02:00.001+03:00

Perception is a communist substitute for dreaming.

Mi lluvia del verano

2008-08-21T15:23:00.001+03:00

El camino de los ingleses

2008-08-21T14:29:00.006+03:00

I would have wanted to put Summer Rain for the title, but then I remembered something. I went to see a film some time ago with Hando.
It was El camino de los ingleses (2006), directed by Antonio Banderas, based on a novel by Antonio Soler; with young, beautiful, talented Spanish actors like Alberto Amarillo, Maria Ruiz and Félix Gómez playing the leading roles. The typical raw intensity of young love al estilo español, careless and free summer living, and the survival in the regime of el presidente Franco are delivered to the spectators with exquisite style, and superb harmony with the very minimalistic sountrack (rather typical to señor Banderas). The music is carefully chosen, never smothers the effect of action in the film. They complete each other. The film could easily be mistaken for a simple story about the social, and personal lives of those kids. They are on the threshold of the independent life, full of aspirations and dreams. Miguelito, the main character, is everything but a simple kid. He has a kidney operation, and after that something in his head changes. His dream is to become a poet, and through the whole film, we get insights to Miguelito's head through the poems he writes. This is what makes the film not that easy to crack. When you watch it, you follow everything, understand, think along. When you walk out of the cinema, you're left with a bundle of thoughts, and a feeling that you need to see it once more to understand everything said. The ending is not a cliché happy ending, which also brings the inglorious reality a step closer. Not everything goes the way intended, our lives and journeys are intruded by strangers in different ways. Some of those ways enable, others disable.
All in all a great film, definitely worth seeing, even more than once. Definite suggestion to those who enjoy pondering.
But this is not what I really wanted to say with the heading. The direct translation would be The road of the English, but the translation to both English and Estonian is Summer rain. See the film to compare relevance.
Pero la lluvia del verano es realmente bonita.

Mortalism

2008-08-19T11:36:00.002+03:00

I got myself up from the bed. Ate. Drank two cups of tea (one black, one green). Wrote in my paper diary. Stole a blanket from my cat. Napped for about half an hour. Woke up. Found my heart pounding at an alarming pace. Conclusion: it doesn't really matter if you don't sleep properly, might as well stay up the whole night, because this is what the feeling is like. And my eyes are as red, or even worse.
Sleep, sleep, where'd you go?

Sleeplessness

2008-08-19T06:41:00.002+03:00

It's 6:42 am and I'm wide awake. Some thoughts (and an increasingly empty stomach) keep bugging me, and just won't seem to give me peace. The real title of this post should be Lack of Information[/Communication], which is a line from a song by a band I have much affection for. And it is also something that has been quite an actual issue. First, whenever my parents have some little issues, stupid insignificant fights, I've always reminded them that Talk, Talk, Talk is what is needed to avoid those misunderstandings - just say 2 more sentences what you would keep in just to defy the other. Easy to say for a bystander. Sounds so stupidly simple, but works with the same fool-proof simplicity. Every time.
The second aspect is misjudging people. Happens every day, with everyone of us. In reality I suspect it cannot even Ever be completely avoided. It's just the way us humans are built. We already have a filter called mouth/verbal expression that sifts the information coming from our brains. The second filter in between is time. The third one would be the intake-formation of the receptor, ears or eyes mostly. The fourth, and also the most important filter, is the preset tune of who takes in what we give out. All those filters add to what causes all the misjudges, misunderstandings, misgodknowswhatmores.. They are impossible to eliminate, but could be diminished to almost zero, through experience. This last filter (and probably partially the first one for not picking the words used carefully enough) makes a compliment coming from one brain look like a breach of sacredness, attack, or just simple picking a fight to the other part. This is an overdoing of an example, but still illustrates what I mean the best.
The cool thing about friends is that you can let your guard down with them. You don't need to think through every single word you use, or the intonation, there's usually enough wordless communication to catch the thought from the air, so to say. Recently I've learnt with quite a bit of negative surprise that this is not how it really works. The more unexpected the blow comes, the more painful. Don't want to sound extra feeble, but when you realise how wrong the person you thought knew from half way, without words, what you meant, it's quite a stab in the back by unceremonious reality. You don't know why it really has gone wrong, but as time passes it leaves an eerie feeling that it will not go away any more. No matter how or what you'd say. Anything and everything can be easily turned against anyone, and once it unleashes, it doesn't seem to be undoable. Makes you think that maybe it was there from the very beginning - just a volcano erupting you once thought was a harmless mountain.
Crazy how people complicate their lives. Such simple things are twisted and turned, and who eventually suffers, are the twisters and turners. I guess it's a thing coded in us long ago - just can't have it (= life) easy.
I see the third, and perhaps the most raw occurrence of miscommunication, in our own heads. It's a one-to-one battle with your own brain. The hardest nut to crack. Self-deception happens all the time, we filter reality to ourselves, or just comfortably ignore some thought. Later on, when the thing comes up, we're in quite a bundle with our own thoughts, not that easy to disentangle. Some of us end up in mad-houses, the others cry their eyes out before going to bed, and wake up with a clear head. The most fucked up scenario is having conflicting things in your head. It's usually reason fighting emotion. Psychologists call it cognitive dissonance, and suggest several techniques for getting over it, but practice has shown that no other technique than time really helps. Maybe something else would work for people with lower levels of incapability.

But wouldn't it be nice if everything comes out the way intended? Not in the course of our lives, no, that would be plain boring (everything you do comes out nice? naaah.. I'll rather take some detours). But looking back at history, I suspect that so many big conflicts, maybe even the World Wars, have been a result of a petty little friction caused by miscommunication, and too little information..

And despite the world seemingly being aware of those issues, they are virtually impossible to avoid in reality. Or is it unwillingness instead of frecklessness? Makes me really damn sad when I realise once again how much is wrong. (But then the beauty smacks you in the face, and the perfect balance is back. That's how it goes - everyfuckingthing is in balance. Empty spaces are not tolerated. Action - reaction. )

It's 7:29am now, and I'm still not sleepy. Maybe it's better to wake up?

Snap!

2008-08-14T23:33:00.005+03:00

... and all of a sudden a sunset-yellow old English car rides past my balcony, through the backyard, and accelerates into the darkness of the night of the forest, with nothing but the lights illuminating the cold and wet autumnal lawn...

Hold tight, London

2008-08-14T23:10:00.004+03:00

This morning, floating in between a perfect balance of despair, anxiety, curiosity, and fear of death, I cried my eye out when I finally got the best news I had been waiting for ... for about 7 months. I couldn't dare to expect anything but the worst, but the outcome was the best - even a bigger surprise. I got in to both University of Westminster, and Stirling University. Since Westminster was my firm acceptance, I am now obliged (with my biggest pleasure) to start digging up the wonderful depths of journalism from the end of September there. I have a place to live there already, just today sent in the renting contract, and also applied for a student loan. It is amazing how much more humane those matters are in the UK. For example, I don't have to start paying back my loan (for tuition fee) before my income overcomes some preset threshold.
Now I have to buy a one-way ticket to London, pack my two or three things, and take off. Life is such an adventure, and I can't wait to see what that new stopover has in store for me.
It all looks so promising, the mere thought is so sweetly intoxicating.. and it's all there just for me to take it all in..

My sincerest gratitude to those who stood behind me while I was a nervous wreck from all that waiting (among other things). Those who never judged, never turned their backs on me. Those who believed in me more than I did myself. Those who knew how, what, when - without a word..
It feels like I'd be surrounded by angels, but I call them my best friends. :)

Regular rave

2008-08-10T14:06:00.002+03:00

So, it's quite a pointless Sunday morning. Not as bright as it would be if I'd stayed at home, and watched idiotic tv shows with my parents.. Which I didn't. No, the Sunday morning is actually fine, but my head feels like a frisbee from sleeplessness and OH-grouped liquid substances.
Wow, the rain just got so hectic. I love it! Air was thick and white from the rain.
And now some lonely rays of sun squeeze themselves through the cloud blanket, just enough to make the nature look fresh and awake.
Umm.. Made some cool new acquaintances last night. I like new people. They refresh. New stories, new vibes, new energy.
Apart from bite marks on my cheek it's quite regular.
Same shit, different day. The only difference is that this time the feeling of knowing and accepting the SSDD is not oppressing at all. Acceptable on a very neutral, maybe even enjoyable level. This is the way everyday life should be like. Until it gets boring.
I'll go check out the last pages of The Rum Diary (Hunter S. Thompson).

Soul function

2008-08-07T01:11:00.000+03:00

I'm such a sucker for music.

Momentum

2008-08-06T23:13:00.002+03:00

... and despite all the effort your objective sanity throws at you, you linger in your emotional wobbliness. Some say our mental states are our own game - we have the freedom to move the chessmen. But has the thought ever occurred that if there are more than one or two prevailing emotions, that are of equal strength, and fight over your brain capacity. Then it could easily go so that the person, who supposedly owns the brain in question, just loses any kind of control. Desperate efforts of getting it back just result in an even bigger bundle of mess. I so fucking wish I could easily just think things okay for myself. I'm not that powerful. I put up with the shit as long as I can, in the ways I can handle, clinging on to those slightly more bright thoughts as if in mortal fear. It's not that I wouldn't know that no matter what, it's going to be fine.. and all those obstacles thrown on my way right now, are good for something in the future, they teach and preach, make you a better person. The catch is that you can, in practice, only truly feel, know, and think in that way, when you look at the trouble retrospectively. It's easy for the bystanders to judge and label you instable, pessimistic, and what not, when they don't really know themselves how much heart you've put into something. The fear of losing something you've worked towards for more than two years, is frightening enough at this point of my life, to make me absolutely incapable of functioning alright on a mental level. Even if that fails, general stability would be nice for a change. Solutions will come soon, and on very many levels, I know I'll become a better person.. whatever the content then.
Right now I would really-really want to get my chi back. I'm so exhausted from waiting. One good thing is that I realised tonight, when I put my massive headphones on, that with giving myself time to finally listen and enjoy some good music (which I inconspicuously have failed doing due to all that business and headless running around in search for a better future and truth in life:D), I moved a bittie closer to my chi.
Understanding instead of condemnation is the key to harmonious co-existence. We're all humans, after all. Give time to breathe, take time to analyse (find a reason), give space for dissensions.
And now I'll have a nice cup of shut the fuck up, listen to music, and not give a damn about anything. I'll intoxicate in this feeling as long as my mind lets me. Or until the bloody painkiller wears off again, and the sublunary imperfections are reminded to me not that subtly.
I like this autumnal vibe, but I didn't get to charge my solar batteries. Always one moment/step short..

Submission

2008-08-04T23:17:00.002+03:00

It's late summer, but I'd rather call it early autumn. Two days ago I sensed a different scent in the wind. It was the scent of autumn, greeting us with the first chilly breeze. Now the rain carries on the slow prelude that takes us to the colourful sound of autumn songs. I've never understood why is it that people dislike autumn that much. I think it has a certain beauty in it, and I must also admit I've always loved wearing layers of clothes. It's sufficiently cold for a scarf and a hat, which I both enjoy wearing also. But this is so very trivial. I feel my brain functions the best in autumn. When it's cold outside, there's more space for relevant thoughts, mind-tracks.. Perhaps I feel all of this because autumn has this implicit melancholy echo, which I somehow can relate to. I know I think too much, I relish in my thoughts and the next moment drown in them. It's like an addiction, you love doing it until the quicksand swallows you with no mercy, and despite ..
.. okay this shall be continued. I just violated a thought or something I came up with previously. My conclusion to give up putting effort into black holes failed. I'm going to drive in my bizarre state of mind to town, and see what's cooking. I'm craving for stability, but hunting on an erupting volcano.

The way of things to go

2008-07-01T15:16:00.002+03:00

I've been thinking about the changes in our lives a lot. There's always something that triggers us to make a decision, and usually when it comes to me, I always reverse to the very initial option I had, even when the intermediate solutions look-sound temporarily better. A good example of that would be me going to study journalism (note, I'm getting my exam results in 5 days!), among other stuff. The force that makes us choose is somewhat mystical, to me. I don't quite believe in destiny in the way that our lives are completely predetermined, and there is no space for free will whatsoever. So we'd be like books already written on flesh. I don't believe it. I don't want to believe it. But nevertheless I'm quite certain that there is that something that makes us do the things we do. Everything happens for a reason, one thing is good for another thing that we are not aware of, later on in our lives. Usually people don't think retrospectively to things, but when they do start thinking back, rewinding their actions, it appears that if one decision would not have been made, the other thing that was beneficial in the future, would not have happened. If you catch my drift now. It's quite fascinating, really. I think the people we meet in our lives, we also stumble upon for a reason. And the timing.. sometimes it seems the wrongest time ever, like fate would be feeding the fan with sh*t, but what's left to do then, is to console ourselves with the thought that since things went the way they did, they probably had to - it's good for something.

Everything in our lives is a chain-reaction, a consequence, a sequence, a pattern, a path we walk the way we want to, but takes us to the exact same place from the very beginning. (?)

Camouflage.

Remedy

2008-06-21T20:57:00.004+03:00

You, my mental masochism

Invade my consciousness

Leave me once more

With subtle and implicit tone

Never straightforward

Never true

Never anything you made me believe

I was always the blindfold for pain

I still am?

We are [were] stuck in a lose-lose loop

With both left empty-hearted

and broken.

Illusions never heal wounds

It still burns [burned] like before

The only difference being the

awareness of this self-deception,

an emotional fraud I once

believed and reveled in.

Naivety swapped with bitterness.

Bitterness swapped with retaliation.

Retaliation swapped with despair.

You should know.

Actually this is something I once wrote in not that nice state of being. Right now life is good apart from the bronchitis I have.

I'm holding the aces. I always win. (Wishful thinking.)

You know, being a complete bitch is one of the most imbecile-proof self-defence mechanisms. For both the ego and physis.

Great people and even better times!

Reality check?

2008-05-14T22:59:00.001+03:00

Just ignore the smoke and smile

2008-05-14T22:38:00.002+03:00

I have 3 exams to go. Victorious end? Not quite yet. I have to admit I was close to biting my toe when I was walking back from town today, to get a grip on myself with the overflowing joy of actually being only a few steps away from that very light in the end of the tunnel.
I'm amazed by things surrounding me, so much beauty, so much mystery. This morning, walking to my Biology exam with Juulia, we were literally struggling through a blizzard. By the time the first exam had ended, it was sunny outside. After the second exam, it was gray, windy, and somewhat rainyish. In half an hour, it was again sunshine all over, with a sharp, cutting north wind kissing you so brutally on your cheek, the way it always does.
I like the new freshness, I missed it this spring, I'm afraid.. with all this exam-stressing. One cannot fully dedicate to two things at the time, no matter how much they try and persuade that women can multi-task.. I just can't live a normal life, and ace my exams. Maybe it comes down to my inability..
But yes, the freshness. I dig, I dig. You dig me up from under what is covering, the better part of me, sings Brandon. So true, so good. I revel and relish this new sweet taste. It is like the most delicious aperitif to the exquisite main course in store for me for the future. I'm such an epicure of life.

Photo hunt / Fotojaht

2008-05-10T11:05:00.005+03:00

This week's photo hunting theme is "signs".
Here is the original post, where you can also track down the rules and other nice stuff.

We all know the French are slightly special in their own way, but this, I reckon, is the best evidence of the cruel Parisienne humor with stupid naive tourists:).. The picture is taken on my second trip to that city I've fallen in love with. I know exactly where to go.

2 down, 13 to go.

2008-05-05T19:24:00.002+03:00

Just now I got rid of my horrendous headache. I believe I got it from the overwhelming joy and excitement that unleashed when I got my two first final exams done. 13 more, and I'm at peace with the universe. Sounds reasonable? Actually I really am happy, because I've been waiting for this stuff to come up for ummmbgh, well if not 12 years altogether, then for the last 2 years definitely. With great anxiousness. I hope I prepared myself well enough, and if not, then at this point, there's not much I can do any more. I'll be fine, I know, though. It's a nice comforting idea. However, those occasional spurts of angst with the whole fatalistic touch these exams have attached to them, do take over. What can you do?

I would really-really want to take off with someone interesting and good and chill on the beach of a tropical island, remote from everything daily, dull, and worrying. Far away from all that just doesn't feel like it should be in the moment. I want new vibes, refreshing and pleasant.
You, come and make my day. Bring new colours, new touch, new feeling, new scent, new perspective, new meaning and value, new purpose, motivation, need, lust, adrenaline, safety, warmth, joy, experience, ideas.. The old has drained my resources, I'm thirsty for new.
I just cannot go on clinging on to the past, barely holding on. The past is pushing me away quite persistently.
A new breeze, blow me away, intoxicate so sweetly, the way you always do. Be my camouflage from reality:).

Photo hunt / Fotojaht

2008-04-20T17:05:00.004+03:00

So I decided to participate in a photo hunt. The topic was "wet". This is the "home blog" and Here are the rules for photohunting.

And this is my first contribution then... As different as two drops of water

Yesterday threw everything at me

2008-04-18T21:20:00.002+03:00

How often do you remember your dreams?

What does your soul look like?

How long can you bare?

Your dry blood on my fingertips

2008-04-17T23:35:00.003+03:00

Sorry, I know it's cliché, but... Athlete - Wires.

You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip
Running, down corridoors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know.

I'd add a picture or few, but it seems that dear blogger doesn't want me to. Therefore go see what I did today yourself. The pictures from 'you broke me' to 'fight dogmatism' should be taken as a series.

I've never been too comfortable with saying my own things out straight, phrasing them, verbalising, vocabularising. Putting a bit of soul in a piece of art, in a piece of thought, in a fragment of day always helps with speaking my mind. Put your heart where your mind is. Read between the lines, see behind the picture, think beyond borders..

And now let me drown in these eyes for another intoxicating eternity.

Reality checkpoint

2008-04-14T16:46:00.003+03:00

Do you guys believe in fate? What makes things go the way they do? Is it all pre-determined what we do, who we meet, etc. ? I don't think I know any more.

Right now I have so much running through my head, my brains feel like exploding (+ the reading for my finals). Through various schemes I ended up going to Helsinki this weekend, when I had just been in Estonia for a week. Estonia was wonderful, like it always is, thanks to my beloved ones who make me love life so much more every time.
Helsinki was mindblowing, in the most explicit sense. The way I stumbled upon him (them) was odd, a random spontaneous curiosity. The strangest chemistry set off in a matter of seconds, when he stared back. Non-verbal realisation of something different, captivating. Overwhelming, mind-blowing, unbelievable, confusing, strange.. in the most pleasant way I've encountered this far.
These kinds of things are those that might trigger outrageous decisions.. (?)
The way he lingers in my thoughts is perplexing, yet so intriguingly intoxicating, but for how long?
Undoubtedly interesting.

Something to relate to, maybe: Snow Patrol - Set The Fire To The Third Bar.

Illusory dreams

2008-03-24T17:37:00.005+02:00

"The wise are not learned, the learned are not wise." Lao Tze.

We love indulging ourselves in our nice cosy illusions of what and who are surrounding us, and sometimes even our own lives. Reality checks every now and then might become handy and healthy, though. It's kind of like living without a TV, without knowing what's vitally hot and not in the world, but still checking the news sometimes, to know your time and place a bit better. Do you get what I mean? If you don't do it, you might encounter a rather unpleasant situation when the reality bangs in your face unexpected, and there is absolutely nothing to cushion the blow.
On the other extreme, those who do not let any snuggly illusions overtake them from time to time, and live a cynical and sceptical life 24/7, might be miserable in some other aspects. Again we should try and mingle ourselves into something of a compromise and balance.

And also, a train of thought of Peter Cajander's. Some ideas definitely worthy of spreading, and thinking about. Here's a little something about Trust:

"Trust is about relying on someone, letting ourselves be vulner-
able and fragile, totally dependent on someone. It is a token of
something pure and innocent, a way of expressing confidence
and pure beliefs. Something beautiful and overwhelming.
Appreciation without apprehension. A bond that if you are
careful will last through almost anything, but with a misstep
can be broken as easily as any china.

Its strength is in its vulnerability. Its kindness and willing-
ness to sacrifice and be naked in front of the other grasp its
essence. Trust is something you cannot fake. Either you have
it or you do not have it. It can be built upon but once lost it is
almost impossible to repair. It is a fine line that is so easy to
cross and so hard to be noticed. Trust is like love. It's up to us
to make the choice. By choosing to trust, you never lose. It is
not about the outcome but the intent. Nobody ever wins any-
thing if there is nothing to be trusted. Someone has to start—
why not let it be you? It is all about trust, and the final
outcome is not up to you."

Pills in my pocket

2008-03-15T22:40:00.004+02:00

I just cannot be bothered to finish my Psychology Internal Assessment work right now. Don't have anything better to do either. I'm going through some major maniac cognitive dissonance (google it, if you don't know what it is). But the sad part about this problem is that I don't have anything else to do either. Maybe go to sleep? I even overcame the headache I had earlier. What the hell am I supposed to do, to make it a bit more bearable? Starting a new post here is just another excuse for procrastinating with it. NNNNGH! Help.

But otherwise time flies bloody fast. And I just flutter along with it. I have this restlessness in me that has been dormant for quite some time, I suspect. Some energy that's waiting to be released.

Yesterday I had a great time with my ladies, went to play snooker first (a random remark, at the place, there was a dog, randomly lounging about, how cool is that?), and then for a quick drink, and I was home before 11pm already, actually. Walked Juulia home, and after that stayed with myself outside still. I was completely alone, went to sit on a snowy swing, listening to Lisa Ekdahl, enjoying the moment to the fullest. I fell down the swing, on my arse, in the snow. It was rather unpleasant, but despite the nastiness, and perhaps slight pain, I cracked up real bad and laughed from the bottom of my heart. It was so funny - I was on my own.. and enjoying the moment. Pity I couldn't stay outside for longer, my body demanded for its rights. But nevertheless, the point in telling you this little incident with snow, my ass, and Lisa Ekdahl is that, again, I have to repeat myself: cherish the moments! Life is bloody wonderful!
iLove

I wish I had more to say at the moment, so that I wouldn't have to write the IA. I'll go make myself a cup of tea, it solves everything.. hopefully? And also, can someone please come melt this snow and slush together with my cold cold heart (: ?

New steps of change

2008-03-08T23:40:00.003+02:00

After having been very anti-social my blog-wise, I always start the post with whining about how I don't have enough time to write, or how I've just been inexcusably lazy. Not tonight. Haa!
A new page has turned in my life in many aspects. I turned 19 some days ago (make it five), and this is my last year of teenagership (must love making words up) - so does that mean I should use the chance to do crazy/stupid things and still get away with it? To be honest, this year, I didn't get the "birthday feeling" at all. I just reached some new level of comprehending affairs around me, with this very calm bystander's feeling. Am I getting old? What defines old? Or is it called mature? Anyways, I've found the peace of mind I've so desperately been looking for, in many aspects. I really like the feeling - what ever comes my way - I'll take it as an adventure.. And after all, I do not think I have the power to manipulate fate anyways, so why bother with things you cannot change? Things will always go the way they have to, and what's left for you to do is to enjoy the journey.
I have been accepted to three universities in the United Kingdom for now. Still waiting to hear from Cardiff and Queen Margareth in Edinburgh. I had a telephone interview with London Westminster on Friday, and I don't want to boast, but I aced it pretty well. Felt confident, and good, and the man whom I was talking to, seemed to be more than delighted to stumble upon me. I am pretty sure this certainty with my future adds to the general peace of mind also. I don't really have to worry about much anything. As long as I get my finals done the way I've done my mocks this far, I'll be good. Security is a good feeling. Makes me feel absolutely invulnerable.
What makes me even more happy, is that I've finally partially achieved something I've been striving towards for the past two years. The reason behind me moving to Finland was being able to study in the UK.. And what am I going to do now? The most stupid act from my part at the moment would be letting it all go, and lowering my standards. This is the final struggle, and better make it good. Work hard, party hard.
When it comes to human relationships, some shifts in powerlines have taken place also. I thought me moving to Finland filtered my friends a great deal. What I've noticed now, is that time tends to do that also. New people come your way, and sometimes take a surprisingly big and important position. Whereas the people you've held closer to your heart than anything else fade away. It most probably does not mean they would not hold you dear any more, but.. maybe distance/time and other dimensions just lose their meaning? In any case, I do know that friendships are a two-way process, and cannot function if only one side is being active. It's a pity, but then again, as I mentioned earlier, things probably just go the way they have to, and there's nothing you can do about it, but accept, and enjoy the new circumstances. It's definitely not worse, just different. Strange, how people are actually scared of different/new things. Why? Insecurity that comes along with unpredictability?
It is indescribably nice to have the thicker end of the rope, and actually not care about it. Indifference is not the case - but you just don't let anything get to you. Trivialities are just trivialities (which should not bring anyone down). A nice, clean picture in my head. Clean-clear, and confident.
But how many Wrongs have to cross our way before we find the Least Wrong One? Is there such thing anyways? One I know for certain, though: honesty, dignity, self-love, and prioritising [yourself] are the key to this nice zenness I'm experiencing right now.
Keep your eyes and minds open to everything, and the world will seem like a nicer place. Inevitabilities are maybe unpleasant, but the way you tune yourself determines how easily you'll bite your way through it.
Enough of this preaching, I feel good. Hope everyone does, on some level.
Now there's one fight [flight?] left - what to do with this occasional creepy-crawly feeling of affection deprivation?

Future looks bright and exciting. Hold tight, world, and do behave.

All the zenness in the world

2008-02-09T14:13:00.000+02:00

I haven't written much recently, because I have to admit, I have been quite unwell mentally. Bad vibes are nothing I want to share too much, because why bring the other people down with your crap also - isn't there enough negativity in the world already anyways? But due to the not-so-nice mental phase, I've done a lot of thinking. I've cleared things in my head, and with some other people also, so uncertainty has been erased, and a new phase started. I guess it's so very true what my mother has always told me, and which are also ancient words of wisdom: our lives go up and down literally; there are bad times, and there are good times; there is no rule about how long one up or down will last, but one thing is for sure - after bad times there will be good ones, and vice versa. This is just the way our lives work, as easy as that. And I have gone through this very long down phase now, and made it to the "good times" phase, which I hope will last for at least as long as the shitty times did. But we shall see. I don't mind anything at the moment. I'm in such peace with the world, and myself.
I actually like extremes much. I think they also describe me the best. Extremes in both ends. The middle area, where you feel somewhat sponge-like is no fun. There's as much beauty in extreme sadness for example, as in extreme happiness. And if you have been in both ends, you learn to appreciate, feel, and even enjoy those extreme emotions to the fullest. It's a good thing to achieve - to be able to enjoy sadness.. But could also be the hardest thing on earth.
So, after clearing deals with people, I'm free. I'm so light in my thoughts, yet with this heavier down-to-earth enjoying life, taking it easy, but still appreciating those daily routines that sometimes ängst us quite bad. There's so much beauty in the world unnoticed. I managed to open my eyes, and I feel good. With your eyes open, it's so much easier to just go with the flow, which is the thing everyone should be doing. Just take it easy. The daily things are inevitable, and will always be there - so if you can't really do anything about it, and it feels not so good doing it - why stress and make it even more stressful? With less worrying and thinking about the unpleasant parts, the unpleasant can be made bearable or almost nice. There is beauty in annoying routines, if we just open our eyes, and learn to accept. Man, I feel I'm trying to preach to the whole human race here, sorry xD. It's just a train of thought I really wanted to note down...
So enjoy yourselves in whatever state of being you're in, and appreciate your lives, and people around you. I feel so alive after this enlightenment, I feel so alive and happy, even though some things could always be a tiny bit better.. And I just want everyone else to be happy also! The spring is almost here, and great changes, at least in my life, are awaiting. I'm looking forward to the future. And I am also very grateful to the people who helped me through this bad phase, I appreciate it more than I've probably shown. Showing that you care, even implicitly, can make such a big difference. Sometimes feeling and knowing that the person actually is there, even silently, makes things better. More love, more caring, more compassion and understanding... Egoism will not get you far, and acting like a fucking prick will not get you far in life, and just show how Weak you are. Deliberate hurting other people is just among the nastiest thing under the sun.
But have a very nice and chill weekend, and take time to realise what's around you. Take time to appreciate. Over and out with my brainwash for now:D.
Big love!

Quiero mucho

2008-01-30T23:42:00.000+02:00

When you reach a seemingly dead end, it feels beyond helpless/hopeless. But hey, don't let the world bring you down, 'cause not everyone here is that f*cked up and cold (like these great lyrics in one song say). Staying positive might seem like the hardest thing to do, but in reality, when things are wrong, they seem 10000x more horrible than they really are. Stay positive. Even if it's -20'C outside and all you're wearing is a pair of Converse sneakers, it might seem like the world is just conveniently f*cking you in the face, but that's not the case. If there are 1000 things to bring you down, and make you unhappy, there is at least 1001 things to make you happy. Just open your eyes to them. It's the little things that make the world.
Feeling alone in the middle of a crowd must be one of the most horrible sensations for a person, but try not to forget that no-one wants to be alone. It all comes down to everyone just trying to fight the loneliness so desperately. More warmth, more warm feelings, more support. And it will be all good. And also stand up for the weaker. No-one deserves being treated unfairly.
It is up to you to make the difference you're craving for. Just do it (you Can).

Let go

2008-01-22T23:54:00.000+02:00

The moment you close your eyes to the seeming reality, a new dimension unfolds.
What do you see behind clouds?
What is it that sends shivers down your spine?
In a drop of water a whole world hides,
a terrain so profound awaits you to close your eyes, and open your mind.
Open your mind.
Dare to dream, drift away.
Why are you so afraid of freedom?

Twists and turns

2008-01-20T18:23:00.000+02:00

Why do we encounter the situations we do? Are all the things we have to put up with a test of some sort? Why does it seem that some people just have these tests all the time, stability and and calmness are way too much to ask for? Is it just them seeing the world through dark glasses? Is it fair that some people have it so much easier, while the others get f***ed in the face on a daily basis? Will they be "stronger" in the end, or is it just genuinely bad luck, and fate just favours some?

If someone finds answers to these questions, let me know. I'm dying to find out! :)

What makes me love life so much

2008-01-19T14:27:00.000+02:00

This is something that opened my waterworks with absolute full power. It is a text that is going to be published in our Lyseon Kronikka (school chronics), and everyone in our class had to write a characterisation to someone. Juulia wrote mine. She is such a sweetheart, and dearer than I probably even realise myself. I love my friends so much, don't know what I'd do without you. Just know that... I do think about you guys all the time, even the ones that are a bit further away and the ones I don't really talk with on a daily basis. You're all in my heart, honeybunnies! Big, everlasting love!

Anyways, here it is:
A vibrant, adventurous girl born into the wrong generation. Her heart lies in the summertime of consciousness: the era of hippies, psychedelia and Jim Morrison. Nevertheless, she makes her own world by fearlessly stepping into the unknown - that's how she got herself from Estonia to Finland in the first place! Ave is always up for anything, may it be a crazy drum n' bass event or a quiet moment with tea and candles. She's the perfect company to have random, mindless conversations with, or with whom to indulge in pseudo-philosophical babble. She loves to travel and has taken off to Manchester and Paris during the past year, always with a random buddy from our class - both of which have surprisingly made it back. Overdosing on Starbucks, tea, cheddar and crisps, and getting a rainbow eye at an Arctic Monkeys concert, as well as a British accent ... And not to speak of the inside jokes of "chocolát, crazy woman tall, whiteboy slim feat. sorty", etc., stuff that the rest of our class has yet to quite figure out. Her trip to the States last summer opened new horizons in her life; Ave is happiest when she's leaning against the wind in San Fransisco, feeling weightless. Ave feels most alive when recognising beauty, and this she manages to encapture in her gorgeous photography and psychedelic drawings. Singing is also close to her heart; it's not a rare occasion to hear Ave suddenly burst out into song while standing in the lunch line. She's very outgoing and social, making her easy to befriend, but even her closest friends have yet to see all the sides that this intriguing, sparkly (and hopelessly dirty-minded) personality holds within. Though Ave is labile and has a craving for affection, she's incredibly independent and all the more reliable. There's nothing that she wouldn't do for her friends and family - not to speak of her home country. Ave is a patriotic Estonian and is incapable of holding her tongue when it comes to matters concerning her homeland.
Though greatly opinionated in many areas, Ave still possesses an open mind. She's also equipped with a notable amount of useless talents, such as her phenomenal "instant fog" effect. Ave's beauty, both inside and outside, has won over the hearts of many. She loves music and movies, and adventures in the twilight zone, which may end up even in the Swiss Embassy ... She's a genuine, caring person, and very cuddly!
It must also be said that she makes the best cheesecake and gives the best hand massages ever. If Ave would be an animal, she would definitely be a lemur: random, eccentric, maybe even slightly devious.
It's not easy to predict where Ave will wind up someday: it's just as likely for her to become a street photographer in Paris as it is for her to pursue her dream of being a pilot, soaring in the neverending skies. No matter what, there's something that can be said for sure about this mezmerising little bundle of Aveus ... Even though she has already lived a full, vibrant life so far, she will make sure that the best for her is yet to come.

Mindcircus

2008-01-19T00:48:00.000+02:00

What if you have so much to say that you couldn't possibly fit it in words to spoon-feed it to those that should listen? The meaning the words carry is so often misjudged by those who give them out. To be able to talk to someone without the "energy loss" is one of those magic powers yet to be reached. It is sad to see how people communicate, but they do not actually understand each other. These flows always skew, never collide. People collide and conflict.
To hear without listening.
To listen without understanding.
To understand without perceiving.
To perceive without comprehending.
To comprehend mistakenly.
To misjudge the importance.

Why do we do it? I guess it might as well be one of those eternal questions to be sought an answer for, from the beginning of human existence, to the very last respite of the last one of us all.
But then again, the answer might also be that we are just not competent enough to actually seperate these things from each other. We are too blind to see anything beyond the surface. If we try and look through it, it tears us apart. De-mystifying life, I think, might actually turn its beauty against us. But go figure - who am I to even ponder about these things? I know that I don't know anything, as one smart man once has said, but I am still willing to seek for that ultimate truth. Or just peace of mind.
But right now, above all things, I would want daily trivial marginal happiness outweigh these way too heavy thoughts. So I'm waiting for it to come. I can feel a change, and I like the vibes around me. Patience is the keyword. Patient people have it so much easier!
I think I just lost this little train of thought. Therefore I shall make an attempt to practise some of that sleep-thingie.
And oh, I really wouldn't mind this change of direction. Not a tiniest bit:).

Your face reminds me of when I was old

2008-01-16T12:28:00.001+02:00

Home?

Big furry head

2008-01-16T02:15:00.000+02:00

Dreaming is to the mind like regular exercise is to the body. It is like reading a book is to your imagination.
It is what makes the real difference to you, in the form that there is always something higher to reach for - a goal set. Does not matter if it is too abstract to achieve in reality. It will keep you going, motivated.
Do dream, it's healthy. Dreams change the world.

Start anew

2007-12-30T12:41:00.000+02:00

This is a good time for leaving all the negative trivia behind, and turning a new page. Not saying this because it's the cliché end-of-the-year thing to do, but because people too often lack the motivation to better the quality of their lives. If this kind of a push in the back (no matter how artificial it actually would be) that is needed, then why not do it NOW?
Turning the new blank page is a good way of starting the new year with a peace of mind. And to an extent a peaceful mind is the most valuable treasure a human can find. Free your minds.
Happy new year.

Dazed and confused

2007-12-18T22:31:00.000+02:00

Funny how all things that are somewhat different from the average daily trivia (starting from exams and ending with the fall of pressure, and general feelings) that we have to put up with, make you sleepy.
I could really do that holiday now, even though I think I've done a fairly good job with keeping up the positive mood.
I don't know any more.

Morning view

2007-12-16T00:18:00.000+02:00

To be enjoyed from my balcony with a nice cup of tea.

Nothing is worth losing that

2007-12-15T20:08:00.000+02:00

Amazing how we are so sensitive to the elements around us. I've been reading psychology almost the whole day, but I've also downloaded some good music, and right now Telefon Tel Aviv's album Map Of What Is Effortless is just the best thing ever, surprisingly, for the moment. Absolutely love it.
We are all just receptors and intakers of information, vibes and other perceivable things, intuitive feelers. The way we process what has been fed to us determines how we sense the world, how we label the actions around us, how we tune our perceptions to guide our brains to an understanding.
Life is so fascinating, but nevertheless, if anyone happens to find a time-travelling machine, let me know. I'm just praying for 15/01/08 to be over right now. After that I will probably go through a major impedance drop, which hopefully will not convert into a mental breakdown..

Unfinished sympathy

2007-12-13T22:25:00.000+02:00

Oh my. We have to survive another bunch of mocks now... they will get done, I know. The mind is distracted from life by life. The most suffocating thing is if you cannot really show what and how you feel, if you have to hold in even the positive things, while you'd love to scream your joy out loud to the whole wide world. And there aren't even any rules restricting you, it's all in your head. We set our boundaries and limits ourselves, but what makes us decide whether something is better kept seemingly dormant? Are we just making these things up, or how could we ever predict someone else's reaction to what we have in store? There's alot to ponder about, and seems syrreal that Christmas is here in about a week, and no feeling whatsoever with it. Nothing, nada, niente!
Imbalance is the worst state of mind to be in. Even if it's self-inflicted... Going with the flow still seems to be the best course of action, but what if the faith is lost? No-one wants to piss against the wind!
What a classic ToK-moment (IBbrainwash buujaa!): How can we know? Do we know at all? And what is Right? Is there such thing as The Right Thing? Who gets to decide?

Do you guys believe in fate?

Life is all about taking things in and putting things out

2007-12-03T23:08:00.000+02:00

My yoga teacher sent me an interesting text by someone I cannot remember sometime ago, and I really liked the way this one idea was put there:
The world, in general, is a neutral place, all the things happening around us, and also the physical matter. It is us who determine what the world is like, in our heads. It is as simple as that. We can either interpret an action in a positive way or negative. And people, unfortunately, too often have this pessimistic attitude already before something happens. So, the world will end up seeming gloomy and awful, but that's because we make it like that.
I proved to myself this weekend, that I am definitely one of those people who just have drama in their head Before something happens. And most of the problems are pseudo. I just think too much and see the spook absolutely everywhere.
Oh, and as I talked about communication some time ago, that it is underrated... It is, and non-verbal communication is even more. Yes, it leaves more space for your imagination to work on it, but in reality, we rarely miss with our judgements.
Actions speak louder than words.

Every living creature on Earth dies alone.

2007-11-26T00:36:00.000+02:00

Communication is so underrated. It is often said that words are overrated, but the lack of them nevertheless, gives birth to the biggest worries and problems in life. In this form, ignorance is not bliss, because if we don't really know what the other person thinks or wants to say, we will end up perplexing our little stupid heads with ideas that might not even be close to truth.
So, talk. Communicate. It might seem hard in the beginning to even tell your beloved ones how very dear they are to you really, but if you get used to it, it will be easier... and it will make your life easier, and theirs, of course, also.
As fate has the habit of playing tennis, and other games, wouldn't it be a real shame, if the person you hold so very dear, would just... leave... one day, not knowing that you loved them so much?

Note: The title of this post is a quote from one of my favourite films, Donnie Darko.

For mom.

2007-11-24T18:02:00.001+02:00

Okay, this is odd, but really, my mom asked me to think of seven things I've heard in my life, but cannot really believe, and write them in my blog. She did that through her blog. This is what information society has lead to - even families communicate online. But to the point now: seven things I've heard, but don't believe.

1. Lightning never strikes twice. Not true. If you screw up something real bad once, it's absolutely guaranteed you will do it again.

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also makes the heart forget and move on, and stop deluding itself.

3. The wise learn from others' mistakes. Not true, because no-one ever really does, and I'm miserably failing in admitting that the whole human population is stupid. And even more, the lessons learnt from one's own mistakes are the lessons best learnt.

4. Money cannot buy happiness. This is only partially true, because money can provide objects for well-being, and what people nowadays are most often worried about, is money, in the end. So, if you have one thing less to worry about, aren't you more happy?

5. All human beings are good. They're not. They just aren't! There's so many bastards and evil people around manipulating and harming firstly our dear planet and secondly its inhabitants in every form.

6. Water is the best cure for a hangover when you have it already. Water only helps in preventing hangover, but when you have it already, water does not make you feel too good.

7. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk words are just drunk thoughts..

And as this is some sort of a thing that needs to be passed on, I'd like Linn, Hando, Lenno and Kristin also to think about it and write 7 things they don't believe in.

To ponder what I'm pondering

2007-11-24T15:55:00.000+02:00

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe." - Voltaire

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." - Salvador Dali

Above and beyond

2007-11-24T14:55:00.000+02:00

What I've been contemplating about recently is the saying "ignorance is bliss". To what extent do I agree with it? In this post-modern society we live in, it seems that information (as in knowing) is all. But does it apply in every aspect of our lives? Let us consider some examples. There are those people among us that maybe don't do the "thinking regularly thingie" too much, or at least do not seem reach the levels some others do (I apologise for being stuck in stereotypes, but as I am a part(icle) of the society, I am therefore the victim of its illness). The kind of shallow and superficial people, whose priorities in life are predominantly finding an escort, and in order to do that, looking appealing 24/7 (sometimes I really wonder if those people wear their make-up also at night). The kind of behaviour attracts similar kind of individuals from the opposite gender. They wear their souls on their face, and therefore most often succeed in approaching the mate, because isn't it easy to fall for a person who does not seem to wear any shadows on their personality and depths? After finding the escort, all what life is about for them is fun and intoxicating pleasures. I find it a rather primitive demeanour, because the main objective for Homo neanderthalis was also the continuation of their race (in which they unfortunately failed), and as a derivative from there, finding shelter and food. It would be a gross case of reductionism to state that they do not think. Of course they do (I'm back to bashing the shallow people). But do they ever thing about things such as the meaning of (after)life, the existence and essence of God if it exists at all? What I have personally noticed is that abstract, immaterial and uncommon ideas do not seem to be of any relevance whatsoever. I think it is necessary to reapeat I am talking about stereotypes, which definitely do not apply everywhere.
The other kind of people is the kind that mostly surrounds me. At least in the inner circle. Cannot say, of course, that the (wannabe pseudo-)philosophical discussions are all there are, but very often, the discussion topics include something so abstract it is hard to reach some sort of universal truth or logical conclusion. I remember the last bigger discussion was on ToK cruise, when we first talked about learning about the human life and personality, and ended up with free will and whether everything is predestined or not. The more in depth the topic is discussed, the more questions yet to hash over arise. It could be said the people who think about those things are more aware (=less ignorant) of what is really going on in the world, even though they might not be competent to provide us with any answers or unquestionable truth. Isn't it so that these unanswered questions lead to distress and anxiety, because we might end up being sure about nothing?
So could it be deduced, from this very discussion, that ignorance is bliss, because in the end, when being ignorant, you are less distressed with the ugliness of the world, the fact that you can never ever be sure of anything, the fact that you are not going to be able to find out the real truth etc. ? To live in one's own little bubble = to live in a happy world, without these unanswered enigmas? I don't know.

It's just something to go on about forever. Mind food. And I find these two quotes by Socrates very appropriat here...
"Wisdom begins in wonder."
"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."

How many of you people know you're alive? How many of you know you're Really Alive?

Foul with snot.

2007-11-15T00:30:00.000+02:00

Yes, I'm quite runny at the moment. Not too bad, but definitely unpleasant, the feeling.
Things are perplexing and I'm still trying hard to achieve at least some level of understanding in various timely aspects surrounding me. More soliloquies to come up about those ponderings, but at the moment I just .. am. Maybe it is a good thing for a change?

With eyes blood red I await for the weekend to come.

Only at night I
See the catch so blunt
Perplexing or what

Haikus are underrated.

Go tell it to the trees, egghead!

2007-11-01T16:22:00.000+02:00

Hello, everyone. I can say proudly that I managed to finish my Extended Essay, finally. I was struggling with it for way too long! I have to admit it would have probably been less painful for me, the whole process, I mean, but the way I am just won't let me do things at the right time. Therefore, I'm constantly in a rush and when relevant and prioritised things should be done, I'm reading something totally different, drawing or sweating at gym, or you know... Something like that:). Sometimes I don't even know myself where all my time goes. I swear there has to be a black hole somewhere just behind my back, following me everywhere. It sucks in the time and then I realise I've been spacing out again for hours and it's beyond late. Huh. Maybe some people just are not born with the time-managing gene. I'm a perfect example of this. Nevertheless, I keep deadlines, purely out of respect towards the people around me, but the cost will be my sleep and mental health. I think it's fair enough.
Today I got another thing, Math Porfolio (a mathematical investigation) done. Feels somewhat relieveing also. This weekend I don't have to stress too much with official crap, for a change, and I can just let loose and enjoy my home alone time. Mom is in Estonia again.
I actually spent my autumn holiday there myself, also. It was hectic, but nice. Managed to meet up with most of the people I really wanted to see, however a few of them yet to be seen. I hope to maybe get some Estonians over here also. Everyone's always making promises about coming to visit me here, but they rarely do... I hate it when promises made are not kept. What's the use of throwing meaningless words around, giving birth to pointless hope in others?
I am not certain, whether my mood-swings are to be tracked down to the neurotic essence of me, or just some random external mediators that try to manipulate my perception of things, but yes, moody I am. It's even bothering myself to a very great extent - how about the others then? How do the people around me cope with the bitchy me? I'm sowwy for being the way I am sometimes. I try hard, but I fail miserably in making it any better. However, it seems that there is some constant discontentment in me I cannot shake off. Absolutely no idea where it derives from. I am happy, in general, if you ask that. There is nothing wrong in my life at the moment. Maybe the thing causing my resentment is the fact that everything is sort of alright, but very... monochromatic, dull, and blunt?
In a way my emotions have come down to a more gravity-oriented ground. They are still as strong as they used to be some time ago, but they take into consideration also the little flaws around me. More objective towards the world, yes? Or just more forbearing?

It could also be that the autumn has now really crawled under my skin and the typical norhtern kaamos has hit me. I mean, people do adapt to the environment they live in, don't they? It sure seems to be one aspect of the instinct of self-preservation, for me. Thank goodness there still are some people who remind me every now and then, when I get too gloomy on their ass, that life is awfully nice in reality, and I'm just thinking too much and over-dramatising, as usually. So true. And some people are just way too amazing to be true, makes me wonder what I've done so very well that I've deserved you?! What would I do without you, guys :)? Big love.

It seems that my university picture is de-fogging now, finally. After being to this massive fair in Helsinki (Studia Messut), which is all about universities and colleges. My aces are set on London, Edinburgh, Dublin, Cardiff, Paris and Lyon. The two latter ones are a bit more unlikely, because studying in the UK is just so much cheaper. And living in France.. I would have to sell myself in the streets to be able to buy food, probably. So, I'll see about those. I don't mind living with my mom, she's the most wonderful thing on earth, but I have to admit, I cannot wait to move away. I've been craving for my own little home for so long now. Nothing too fancy or spectacular, but just my own cosy little place, where I can be on my own. I need space around myself, mentally. This little town atmosphere can get quite oppressing, sometimes. And a change also, cause restless is the way I am and can't really do anything about it... Yes, UK, here I come!

Try not to get too affection-deprived the way I am right now. It will get you all-angst and das ist nicht so gut! Listen to High Contrast's new album Tough Guys Don't Dance also! It's some seriously good stuff. And Commix in Helsinki almost rocked my sense perception, I loved it so much.
Do not mug youself. If you get my drift..

Morning light my ass

2007-10-09T06:14:00.000+03:00

So, it's 06:19 and I'm fed up, or I mean.. I can't make sense any more. I didn't write my conclusion yet, but the contents are ready. I feel relieved. But as I would have to wake up in 45 minutes, I don't think I am going to bed any more. So I'll go have a very early breakfast after a nice shower. But I'm still proud of myself for getting Something done. The quality of the work is a totally different topic, of course..
It's so dark outside!

I'm so flute

2007-10-09T02:33:00.000+03:00

... and slightly losing it by now. It's 02:35 and I'm wide awake, partially due to the lack of blood in my caffeine stream. This is what you get for being an IB and teachers pulling a nasty trick on your ass with moving a deadline two weeks earlier.
But then again, I'm quite well-motivated to get it done, because the flow is good and I'm feeling the caffeine groove also. And hey, after I'm over and out with it, it's DONE! What a relief it will be! At the moment there's still one part of the content to write, then the conclusion. Abstract will be done last. 4.5h to go, I should be fine.
Harr, envy me!

Defenestrate my sanity

2007-10-06T01:44:00.001+03:00

Ku Klux Klan meets Batman.
[Pardon my ignorance, but since when do horses wear hats?]

The persistence of memory

2007-10-06T00:30:00.000+03:00

I'm feeling a bit better after having fought a gay-ass flu for a few days now. I suppose the bacterion I caught was some sneaky French creature. After all, some already well-known Finnish shred wouldn't have mowed me down so bad, would it? Anyhow, I bet no-one is really interested in familiarising in depth with my medical record. Therefore, I'll rather give you some more pseudo-philosophical-past-midnight obsessive ideas to ponder about. A thing called 'trust'. How do we know, whether it's safe to trust a person or not? What is trust anyways? As trust is such an abstract idea, it's hard to really put it in words or give a relevant explanation about all the heartland, for me at least. Or maybe it's that I'm not that familiar with the term myself? Of course, I trust my family and all my beloved friends, but I suppose it's slightly different from the trust you have towards some other type of people. And all those blind trust things and so on? Whoa, there's alot to contemplate about.
I guess I reached a whole new level of trusting people about a week ago. Maybe I'm naive and blue-eyed and brainwashed and all of that put together, but at the moment, I must admit, I don't care if I'm being foolishly trusting, it feels goddamn good inside. I wonder if trusting people is something one can decide relying on their gut-feeling? What if the feeling is really.. right? Do you know what I mean?
Trust and confidence go hand-in-hand. Yes, trust gives confidence and vice versa. Even if it's partially [consciously] deluding yourself, it isn't really wrong to do that in order to obtain the confidence that gives you peace of mind if that's what you're aspiring for, in the end, is it?
Endless flow of rhetorical questions to be followed.. And in the end all we can possibly pray for, is our gut-feeling to be correct for a change. You never know, you know.. Especially when the trusty is far-far away and all you have yourself, is a few assuring words that should keep you company while getting all self-conscious about all the alternatives. But most probably you're seriously overplaying everything. Just chill is what Jesus would do.
I'm sanity-deprived, in a good way:). I'm loving it.

High Contrast - Passion(8)

True colours

2007-10-02T16:43:00.000+03:00

Hey y'all! Long time no type again, pardon me for that. I have been so busy with everything recently (and unexcusably lazybones). Including being in Paris for a week and all the extra-oppressing school stuff I have to handle. But you know what? It's all right, because in nine months (only!) it's all over. For good. No more. Finito. Grande fucking finale! So, to think about in longer perspective, it's quite luminous. Despite the ever-so-depressing autumn time (that's what everybody thinks) here in Finland, I've managed to tune myself onto a positive wavelength and even the nordic mean-ass breeze cannot freeze my warm-warm heart. I mean, in general, life is just so fabulous! It doesn't matter that it's dark and cold for a few months... One good thing about autumn is that I get to wear my autumn coat, which is one of my favourite pieces of clothing. Always look for something positive in this depressing stuff. And after all, the autumn colours are nice also! It was so funny this morning, when I woke up at 06:30, it was dark outside. I had been in Paris for a week and when I came back to Finland autumn had started without me.. and I can't remember when was the last time I had to wake up early anyways. So, I was rather confused for the first few minutes, because I thought my circadian rythms have played a nasty trick on my ass again - but hey you can whistle for it!
(I hope I'm seeing things right now, because it seems to me that it's snowing?! What the.. )
Anyhow, shortly about my Paris trip. It was absolutely amazing, as you can imagine. Paris itself is such a wonderful place already, and seeing my favourite band (Incubus) live there. What else can you possibly wish for? The whole prelude to the gig was over-the-average enjoyable also, quality time with quality companion (Aleksi) in Paris! On the gig day, I saw Moona (my Parisienne love) also, after a very long time, so it was double-great! And the third person who shared the Incubus experience with me, was Mikk, who lives in Paris. He bought Moona's extra ticket. And yes, the whole gig emotion was multiplied at least a thousand times by being blown away by this one person. I don't think I've ever been this happy! This is probably where my warmth comes from, right now also. I met someone who's something soulmate-like, and it's a whole different level of things for me! I've never-ever experienced this kind of a bond with anyone. And believe me, it has never-ever been this hard to leave anyone either... I cried from both happiness and sadness.. but deep down my heart I was/am the happiest girl in the world. I could praise this one person and write a whole book about them, but I do not find words the most relevant medium here. After all, aren't feelings all about the internal sensation? It's hard to address it all so that I could actually relay the very feeling I have inside of me. I'm a happy muffin, because of everything else as well, you know. This happiness is probably what I've been lacking the most, recently. This happiness is the inner strength that helps to cope with everyday shit we are obliged to deal with. It makes me feel so invulnerable, almost immortal. And this happiness opens my eyes. It opens my eyes to all the beauty and little things that actually are there everyday, but with our casual depression we just fail to notice them and therefore they do not benefit us in any way. But when your soul is full of beauty and happiness, you scoop it from everywhere around you and the feeling just grows. (And as Pam Morrison once said, "I feel the most alive witnessing beauty.")It grows like an avalanche launching from one snowflake and ending up as nature's display of power.. Big words, eh? I guess the point I'm so deliberately trying to make here, folks, is that try to find this little snowflake in all the dullness, darkness and oppression that would launch the avalanche [of happiness]. It's the little things that make the world, but they make it only when noticed. And it won't be that gloomy after all! I promise. Money back-guarantee, honeybunnies!
Oh, oh, oh! And one more thing! Don't let the nasty autumn cold-bacteria-bastards get to you! My throat is so very sore right now with an additional extra gay cough, but I'm hanging in there, no worries. It's just stupid and unpleasant, so eat your vitamins and wear scarves and other warm and snuggly things.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses.
I'm just So Happy! :) (:

PS. If you search youtube for "Incubus Paris" you can most probably see the whole gig, it's there. Share my experience in a miniature form. Just note that the date would be 27.09.2007 then!

A train of thought.

2007-09-12T20:24:00.000+03:00

Let us liquify time together
Drown in the sea of infinity
You still linger in my mind
A torment so divine
Peculiar how absorbing
And how perishes all that is I
You are the intoxicating metaphor
For everything illuminating
And the loveliest of all
What makes the time melt
Like the sweet poison
Gliding across my doors of perception
Taking me to the sky
So vast
And making me feel the most a l i v e.

Dedicated to all those people that make me feel alive. The ones that make the gloomiest days living-worthy, the ones that count. The ones that magnify my better half.
I appreciate it more than you could imagine, thank you.

Mighty micro people/Les micro-gens puissants

2007-09-09T16:39:00.000+03:00

We all have obligations, don't we? Isn't the feeling of getting something big done after a really long time, or something that just is Very Important? Of course, that makes us question the quality of importance. This is a question beyond open-ended. What I, myself, love the most about obligations and duties, is how procrastinate-able they are. I actually find procrastination and delaying healthy in some senses. Is it better to work efficiently for three hours and get the same thing done that one would gradually deal with for a week, little by little,? After all, the finale is still the same... To an extent, I believe the first one being a better option, or at least something that works better for me.
Procrastination is sometimes called rationalisation in psychologists' language (google for Freudian defense mechanisms). Finding a rational explanation for in reality escaping something. I love to use "motivation-seeking" as my excuse. Or retaining my life. For example, I should have written my Extended Essay last night, but instead, I first went to gym with Sonia, then after that to cinema (to finally see The Simpsons Movie), and finally we climbed on top of Paviljonki roof and just philosophised the night away with a wonderful starry sky, and the feeling of being the most alive. I know, it might sound like some pretentious crap explanation, but I truely do believe that one should always keep her priorities steady no matter how important the daily shit we have to deal with (i.e. obligations). The feeling of feeling alive is what sort of brings lightness to our thoughts, isn't it? The feeling of warmth in your solar plexus from being able to take it in and maybe even exaggerate slightly, just to feel the moment. Carpe momentum. If you have decided already to procrastinate with your duties, then the optimum thing is to switch off all the irrelevant thoughts apart from the very moment you're living. And just en-joy. Oh believe me, it makes everything much more efficient. It shakes your priorities, makes you see beauty and light again in life and brightens up even the dullest and most tedious thoughts. No matter what, just always remember to take a moment to enjoy life and switch off from everyday burdens. You'll come back to them after a while (but note, that's in the future, therefore irrelevant at the moment), and maybe even enjoy it a bit more. Beauty puts us to see things in a better life. I think it was Pam Morrison (Jim's wife) who said that she feels the most alive witnessing beauty, I so agree with her. The feeling alive part is something I almost love the most about life. The contentment you get is irreplaceable and indescribable in words.
In conclusion for this mazy pow-wow I would just want to say that take a moment to appreciate life and beauty in it, look up at the sky, take it all in. Seize the moment, and be thankful for what you've got!

Otherwise, I must admit that I'm surprised (maybe even in a slightly negative way), that some seemingly old stories have a tendency to float back on the surface, and then make you realise that you still mind. I guess it proves well that human memory is not as short as some people (including me) might think, and as Freud once ingeniously explained, things from the unconscious can reappear, even if they are repressed for one reason or an other (defense mechanism of our ego, perhaps). But apparently, this is a part of real life we have to deal with, also. Being able to move on is a great virtue. And even the gloomiest thoughts ever have their perks, which could be seen with opening eyes a tiny bit more (yes, yes, intertextual messages here).

Oh, and one more thing! Yesterday when I was out with Sonia, sitting in town, peoplewatching, a slightly-tipsy man comes to talk to us. I must say that this guy was the only drunkard I've ever attracted (I'm in general a good bum/drunk-magnet), who had a point to make. He was going on and on about how everything has become so money-oriented, superficial and all the true love is basically gone (he was preaching for quite a while with some enriching examples of life etc, but I'm not going to retell his whole sermon ) and so on. He really did have a point. Exceptional, for Jyväskylä (and drunkards in general, I believe it's fair to conclude).
Kids, listen to people - they sometimes might even make sense!

J'irai à Paris en deux semaines! Finalement! Je ne peux plus attendre. J'éspère que ça va être magnifique. Ben, Paris, en général est une ville superbe et extravagante, c'est pourquoi je ne doute pas du tout. Il y a beacoup à faire et voir, inclu Incubus. Encore, une drole observation - je trouvais que les gens deviennent comme leurs animaux, sérieusement! C'est amusant à regarder comme, par exemple, les chiens sont éxactement comme leurs propriétaires, ou inversement... Il y a beaucoup de gens dehors d'aujourd'hui, malgré le temps horrible. Il faut que j'aille maintenant. (Vous ne me comprenez plus de toute façon..)

Just so that you know I'm alive, sort of..

2007-09-04T10:51:00.000+03:00

Okay, I do not know what is up with my Internet connection apart from it being gone. Vanished. Not there, for a week already. I'm at school right now, about to go fetch some free food (i.e. school lunch) and then off to practise and home. How very gay. I hope I'll get my connection to the world back very soon, otherwise I'll kill something, brutally.
How have the first school days been for you, beloved ones in Estonia? I sort of envy you, but then again, you guys should be giving me credit for having survived three weeks already!
And oh, just for the record, I'm going to Paris in 20 days. Just wonderful.

PS. Eat your veggies, get your vitamins. Those contagious bastardly diseases are so very common right now. I had the meanest stomach-flu kind of thing yesterday (not nice). So please do take care!

The long-awaited chronicles from Manchester

2007-08-26T19:53:00.000+03:00

Ave and Sonia rocking MANCHESTER (and beyond). [There's alot to read, so be prepared!]

27.07.07, Friday
The moment we [Ave och Sonia, that is] met in the airport was overflowing with joy! Sonia had to run for her life to make it to our plane. The plane trip was kind of strange, because we were surrounded by screaming babies. We were rather weirded out and on the verge of jumping off the fucking aircraft. I almost thought someone’s trying to imply something, or just being all not cool. And there were those two lads on the plane also, probably from Manchester, who were trying to, sort of, hit on us, but failed somewhat miserably. Whatever. I changed my seat from where I was supposed to be sitting, and sat next to Sonia. The (Arab) guy I was supposed to sit next to had the nastiest stare ever! His eyes were blood red and he was just.. Staring. Not nice. Anyways, the flight was okay and then we faced a major problem. Sonia’s luggage hadn’t arrived with us. The time between her flights was too short. Not nice, but we still got a kick out of it.
Then we somehow managed to find a bus that should take us home. On the bus I already got the first linguistic shock – this one guy with a guitar (quite good-looking) was on the phone and he had such a thick accent that I could barely make out what he was saying. Touché.
Before coming home we shopped for milk and juice and cheese (how nice and decent girls we appear, but alas, it was all to be consumed together with alcoholic beverages, my comrades). And finally when we found the apartment, we were astonished, because the place is really nice and big and everything. And Morten’s (one of the flat-owners) nice sneaker-collection just swept us off our little semi-Finnish feet. Baileys with milk was a perfect end for the day and we both slept like babies, drooling and everything.

28.07.07, Saturday
Woke up around 9, took shower, had some tea and cheese (because this is everything edible we had, plus the booze). Sonia’s luggage was still a mystery. So we headed to town to buy some clothes, which we did (I found an extra-cool handbag!) and we also had a lunch in Burger King (god praise junk food). After that we headed home, changed, and went to the cricket ground (Old Trafford), for the gig. The bus was rather FULL and it didn’t even take new people on, but those two really, really gorgeous lads did come on. They were both stylish and you could tell from far away, from their halo, that they were Arctic Monkeys’ fans.
The line for the entrance was shit long and we actually followed the nice guys for a while, but at the line, we lost them. After getting in, it was quite hard to realise that we were actually there, couldn't get our heads around it, and we were both like "fucking hell"!! We still saw those two really cute bus guys briefly, but then they disappeared, or well, we went to buy t-shirts. One of the first things we noticed, and that continued all night long, was that everyone, seriously, EVERYONE was smoking cheeba there! It’s almost like a national sport. While Amy Winehouse was on stage, we were standing in the line to buy 2 pints of Strongbow the whole time. We made it there, eventually. Then we chilled for a while, sat down and walked around and what ever, The Coral played. When Supergrass went on, we were standing next to this one guy who looked exactly like Pete Doherty [note! We later realised that it was, indeed, him]! He was hot, he was se-e-e-ri-ous-ly very hot. And I loved how he said ‘Sorry, love’ when he accidentally very lightly stepped on my foot, or toe (it was nothing, but you know, the Brits apologise over absolutely everything, even over stuff that’s not their fault). But after a brief contact, we lost him also and the crowd was kind of packed. It was insane being in the crowd first when Monkeys went on. People were throwing different drinks and raincoats were a smart move from our part. It could be said that we were fighting for our lives. We were first standing next to two really cool guys from York, and we actually talked to them after the concert also. They were really funny, friggin' hilarious! Pity we didn’t get their names. Our York guys they will be.
In the beginning of the gig I seriously thought we’re going to get killed, because all the pushing and pulling and everything was really wild! Nothing I’ve ever seen like! It was even crazier than some heavy metal gigs. But apparently this is a northern England speciality, the wildness. Luckily it calmed down or we just got transported away with the crowd to a quieter place, so that we were actually able to enjoy the music (which was absolutely awesomeeeeee!!) There was a really cute guy standing behind Sonia, who actually helped her with taking a picture, holding her hand still. How cute! But behind me there were some really typical English bastards, sturdy, big and awful; they were like kicking me in the back with elbows constantly. At some point the power cut and then people were chanting “we can’t hear a fucking thing, weee can’t hear a fuuuucking thiiiing”, that was kinda cool of them. And also challenging poor Alex by chanting “Now let us sing youu a song, sing you a song: we can’t hear a fuuuucking thiiing, fucking thing!” (And this was a crowd was 50,000 people). Amazingly the crowd that couldn’t hear a fucking thing still sang the lyrics, to the song that was supposedly taking place, in their own pace, so it turned out into a massive group sing-along. There’s some northern spirit for you. Luckily the amps were okay again and the concert continued. Alex is really very, very sweet and cool. He looks shy, but that’s kind of a turn-on. And mentioning that he is absolutely one of the most handsome blokes in the country, is just restating the obvious. During the last song, I got hit in the face with something that flew from far away; I have no idea what it was… But it hit my left eyebrow. How nasty, how very my luck! But it was so worth the pain.
After the gig we sort of walked out with the York guys, but they had a train to catch and we tried to make our way to some bus stop, which was a challenge. Eventually we took a tram to town and a bus from there and man, it felt good to be home. Our trousers were awfully muddy, so were our shoes, our hair was full of some liquids… we don’t even want to know what they were. Disgusting! I was holding a vodka bottle on my eyebrow so that it wouldn’t swell up bad, but we’ll see about that in the morning.
Then we ate some cheese for dinner, and some crisps (again) and went to bed. Sleep is wonderful! Oh, and Sonia’s luggage made it here also, but it’s at our neighbours’ apartment now. The neighbour, by the way, is a very stereotypical British lad also.

29.07.2007, Sunday
Woke up Sundayishly very late. Or well, late enough to rest up nicely from last night’s intense experience. We didn’t have any food apart from crisps at the apartment, so we had a bit of tea and some crisps for a micro-breakfast.
Covering up my black eye (which was also ‘slightly’ swollen) was bit of a challenge, but eventually it looked semi-bad only. Domestic violence written in my face! Yeah, you know, Sonia can be a real beast sometimes. But that’s why I love her even more. We took a bus to town and walked around a bit. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly at all, it was very busy for a Sunday. Seriously, Jyväskylä literally dies out on weekends, but bars were crowded with people and so were the streets. And the weather was, also, very nice. Well done, England! We shopped a lot in Primark and then a few other shops. Gotta love discounts! All the shops closed down around 5pm, so we decided to go on an observation wheel, kind of a ‘Manchester Eye’ (you know, London Eye). It was really cool, and we both love heights with Sonia. So it was quite a perfect ‘end’ for the crazy shopping. The view was great and we had a blast making fun of the lady in the speakers. After that we headed to the Hard Rock Café Manchester. It was at the Printworks (one huge-ass cinema complex with fuckloads of nightclubs and bars and everything), and it was huge also. Arctic Monkeys was playing at the very moment we walked in! One of the waiters looked like Orlando Bloom! I bought my mum a hard rock teddy from the store and we had some absolutely wonderful cocktails – called Bahama Mama. Yum. Then we made our way back to the centre and crabbed some hot drinks from Starbucks, sat down on the grass and enjoyed the evening sun in Manchester. People were still sitting there and chillaxing. There was a couple making out next to us on the grass. I was like “get a room!”. I also managed to spray some hot chocolate on Sonia’s (white!) sweater, on the side. My cup fell over and then it squirted the drink all over her. How very elegant, the smoothest thing ever. I'm such a charm; I can't even handle myself, sometimes.
Since we couldn’t have been bothered to cook the dinner ourselves, we decided once again to eat crap. First we thought of going to Pizza Hut, but we didn’t, because there were none nearby. So, Burger King again, with some big-ass meals. This one older kind of lad asked me if my piercing hurt. While we were eating our delicious meals, a next Arab dude tried to come to chat with us or something. I’m sort of allergic to all those random freaks that I tend to attract, somehow (not being xenophobic, but in general). Sitting at the top of a double-decker bus trying to make our way back to our apartment through the evening rush hour, Ave turns to Sonia and says “Look at that fish” Sonia focuses on a street jungle advertisement and falling into one of those moments of silence where you just linger in a black hole. Ave continues “Crossing the street!” (what are you an idiot or something??) I mean fish crossing the street and getting into a taxi?? Hellooo. Sonia first thinks “God of course, I am an idiot” before realizing that it really was a man with an inflatable fish crossing the street and bursting out laughing. This led to a 20 minute conversation (at least) over two glasses of vodka-juice and a purple eye later in the evening. Priceless! Read some fashion magazines and just laughed our arses off, as well. Quality time! I guess the full moon is to blame for us going to bed relatively late. I couldn’t fall asleep myself, and I read for one more hour or so before I could sleep.
[Shopkeeper in Boots, "Did you get punched or something?"]

30.07.2007, Monday
Waking up before 10am on a holiday is a sin, if it’s not absolutely inevitably necessary. So we slept quite long and took our time with the morning tea and breakfast (that consisted of some really good yoghurt – goodbye crisps!). Then we headed to town and took the bus 250 to the Trafford Centre, which is apparently the biggest shopping mall in the UK (not sure, though). It was a bit out of the city, but that makes perfect sense, as it’s huge. It was really, really fucking immense. And they were actually building a new section for home stuff, and the new section was already bigger than some shopping centres I’ve seen. Mind-blowing stuff! We were both expecting to find a concrete jungle or something, but the building in itself was actually very fancy. It was kind of old style with cupolas and everything, fountains, and little decoration niches inside. And fuckloads of different cool-ass shops. We are absolutely horrible when it comes to shopping. I bought myself two new pairs of sneakers, of which I only needed one, and Sonia spent around… a fortune. Anyways, we left the place with huge bags full of stuff, and to top it all, we bought the most expensive water we’ve ever seen in the end of the day. Four bottles were £8 all together (12€, 180eek). But the water was in cool, flask-like bottles, so we had to.
We went to eat in Pizza Hut also, ordered medium size pizzas and downed it all. Crazy stuff, we were so full afterwards that we couldn’t move for 15 minutes, at least. And it hurt to walk for the next hour. But the food was de-li-ci-ous.
The trip back to town was slightly funny, because Sonia had apparently left her intelligence or at least brains in the mall and was absolutely slow with her thoughts. I almost felt sorry for her. It was hilarious though, how she couldn’t understand a fucking thing of what I was saying to her. But oh well, we all have our moments, and that wasn’t her moment for sure. I love her nevertheless.
At home we didn’t do anything too significant either, just chillaxed and took it easy. We also discovered that my eye has really gone black now (not just purple), and foundation really helps with covering it up so that it would look like unprofessionally used eye shadow. Sonia realised there is no way on earth she is going to be able to take all her stuff back to Finland with the bag she has got. She packed stuff with her for at least a three-week-trip. Insane, I didn’t take half as much stuff, (and half of my stuff is actually unused) but I’ll still probably manage. But oh well, it’s Sonia we’re talking about, and she has her own ways of doing stuff. That’s so very adorable. Off to bed quite early, because tomorrow is going to be a “hard day”.

31.01.2007, Tuesday
Today is Ave’s name day! I woke up half past five instead of half past seven this morning, because I had put my alarm on without realising that my mobile had Estonian time there. What a stupid fuck. Well, then we had two more hours to sleep and I had the worst nightmares ever, plus I couldn’t really sleep properly as my nose was a bit blocked and throat sore. But In my dream I was first covered with blood in some jail or something and then I was in my old school house with all the other people there and I remembered I was really, really sick (in a wheelchair!), and I was going to die definitely. I also remember some male person holding me really tight in his arms, kind of like protecting me, but I can’t remember who it was. I don’t even want to think of what this dream could have meant.
Anyways, when it was the right time, we got up once again and after the morning rituals we fucked off to town and even managed to find a coach station without too big of confusion. In the bus station I realised that I am absolutely, 100% broke and I don’t even have the money for going back to Tallinn from Helsinki. Great! The buses worked out really fine, though. Got our round-trip tickets with £6, and the bus left in 5 minutes also, very smooth. Liverpool was as sunny as Manchester. The first image of mine was a bit blown away, because I do have a special kind of relationship with Liverpool. We walked around in town, visiting various different the Beatles shops and desperately trying to find a Starbucks, which we did, after a while. The largest caramel macchiato lattes were absolutely great, again. Gosh, I love Starbucks! It was a blast sitting in the street, drinking coffee and people-watching, and commenting on them. The Liverpool people differ in style (and size!) from Mancs. They’re a bit more laid back and casual when it comes to style, and it sort of reflects in their shape also. Maybe one of five women was in normal size, in a lucky case. No wondering really, why the average waist measure in the UK is 34 inches nowadays (average!).
We tried to go have lunch on the docks, but unfortunately they were all closed for public because of renovation and reconstruction works. So we just sat down on the stairs of some building nearby and enjoyed our “healthy” choice – carrots, some Italian style bread, and cheese, there. It was surprisingly good (and cheap also). We ended up sitting there for at least an hour, doing almost nothing, being absolutely numb and stupid, but loving it with every cell in our bodies. Eventually we had to move, because sun had moved quite a lot and the shadow was coming onto us. I also talked to Karl and Ragnar on the phone, they are now in Barcelona, and they’re coming back to Finland a few hours later than me. I’d love to see them all and stuff. I also worked out a plan for getting money, with my brother, because I need to get back to Estonia somehow. We’ll see about it (and I remembered that I had promised to buy Stass 5 packs of Pall Mall ciggies).
After the meal and everything, we walked back to the [shopping] centre, where we followed a handsome bloke for a while and ended up in a church yard. After spending, literally, our last coins in Hennes and Mauritz on suspenders and a belt. The church yard was cute with nicely cut grass and other people chilling there. Didn’t do anything too meaningful there either, just relaxed and it was great. Lying on the church lawn, we saw a guy passing on the street with his kid, a little boy. In the following scenario, the man told his son (presumably son) “Say hello” boy: “helloo” man looking at us: “say gorgeous” boy: “gorgeous.” We continued to attract attention from two slightly dodgy men and a woman; the woman expressing interest in getting into the church garden (by this time the gate was locked despite a hole in the gate which will be returned to later), while man 1 compliments Ave’s socks and creepy man 2 asks Sonia “Want a cuddle?” Thanks, and no thanks. They closed the gates before we could be bothered to raise our cute arses, so we had to crawl through a tiny-ass hole in the gate. Whatever, really.
It’s funny that everything closed down already around 7pm. So, we didn’t have anything better to do than to hit a bar for 2 pints of Fosters, for our (almost) last money. It was more than heavenly – cold beer after a long day walking and being all touristy. Yum.
We also took our time with walking to the bus station, as we had fuckloads of time. The sunset above the city skyline was absolutely wonderful again (not that I would love sunsets or anything). In the bus station we couldn’t help ourselves and bought one pack of crisps and a pack of Wherther’s Original candies (fockin’ good!), for our very last money, this time. Awful, but crisps Are good, and so are the candies. The bus trip back was quite sleepy and also the rest of the evening. Try making sense of the world while you’re having a battle with sleepiness who’s quite a strong lad, with a hard punch.

01.08.2007, Wednesday
We seriously slept in today, but it makes perfect sense, because Liverpool was very, very tiring! We didn’t have any proper plans made for the day, so we just went to town, I took some goodies with us (a pack of crisps, two nectarines and a bottle of Baileys) and we did some people-watching also, after visiting the cathedral. Somehow churches tend to attract us. We were planning our departure the next day, drinking Baileys from a paper bag (you know, public drinking is illegal), and as I looked at the text message Finnair had sent me, I realised that MY flight is on 03.08, not on 02.08, as Sonia’s… So we were a bit alarmed, and called Sonia’s dad. He said her flight is the next day, for sure. Umm, okay, that was slightly random and we already worked out a plan for me to stay one more day in Manchester, alone. Fucking hell, must say. That was seriously whacked. So, we went to Marks and Spencer and bought some milk, crisps (!), and cheese. I seriously can’t remember what normal food tastes like! So, we called my parents and everything and they were a bit shocked, but oh well, nothing to do about it either. So we drank our Baileys and went to Printworks for a sec, to find out if there is anything good happening in clubs this night. Nothing in Tiger Tiger, but some student night in Birdcage, across the street. Okay. Then we went home and I helped Sonia with the packing and everything, because she took things for two months with her, and bought some new stuff also, so she had a bag issue. When we were almost done with the packing, Sonia found her flight booking, and it was also on 03.08.07!!! So we called her dad again, and the whole fuss had been about nothing, or well, about Sonia’s dad thinking that we were to come back on Thursday. That was beyond hilarious, seriously. We laughed our arses off so bad! Oh fuck, that was funny. We cracked up about it still the whole night. As we were home, and Sonia packed, we thought of what to do. Couldn’t be bothered to hit the club, so we just started drinking vodka at home. It was damn fun also. We gossiped about blokes and made some wedding plans (never mind!) and the usual girly stuff. Then at one point we realised that the guy at Arctic Monkeys’ gig, who stepped on my foot and said “Sorry, love” and who was absolutely very doable, was fucking Pete Doherty! We had been talking about it earlier, and we said that he looked exactly like him, but then it all made sense, and it was fucking him! Flirting with Pete Doherty is not something you do everyday, you know. We were seriously blown off our feet. Especially me. Oh dear lord. Oh dear lord! Oh my fucking god! I’m so glad I managed to take the picture with Sonia’s camera, secretly. At least we’re not slow or anything with realising stuff.
It was a blast getting tipsy at home with good music and the little fan girls in us. I think Sonia actually finally realised that she went to see Arctic Monkeys last Saturday, and furthermore she saw gorgeous Alex once again. And I freaking flirted with Pete Doherty! He is so very doable. Argh. I can’t get my head around it!!!

02.08.07, Thursday
Waking up early is so not cool! So we just took our time again in the morning, with a few cups of tea, cheese and bread for breakfast, taken in with Cosmopolitan and Elle magazines. Our little morning chat again and then finally around two pm we finally went to town. In town we went to Urbis, the cool-ass urban museum with a cool-ass gift shop also. The exhibition was absolutely cool, with street art and a history of this one club/gig venue in Manchester, Hacienda. It was seriously very, very cool. Then we took like an hour in Marks and Spencer again, to figure out which bread to buy and we ended up buying almost the same kind Italian bread and some canned beans and cheese and toffee. So, we came home, prepared some yummy food, we were both absolutely starving, by the way, and munched away. Then we pretty much tried to pack our things, Sonia had apparently no probs with that, as I had done it for her already last night. I, myself, had quite a challenge with trying to fit my stuff in my tiny lime green suitcase. Now we’ve been trying to contact this one Welsh friend of Sonia’s, Liam, who’s in York right now, at some gig. We really hope he’s going to drive to Manchester, to chill out with us for a while, but this is somewhat unlikely, as he might be getting absolutely plastered with some people already, and we can’t get hold of him. Bummer, but we’ve got our Russian friend with us, green apple taste this time, and some orange juice to company us.
What is love, baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more! We didn’t manage to reach Liam after all, however, Sonia called his sister (who was at a pub in Liverpool), didn’t understand half of what Sarah was saying, and well, we concluded that Liam is probably dead or mugged somewhere.

03.08.2007, Friday
Still no life-sign from Liam, his phone seems to be switched off or something (or then stolen or lost). One thing we hate about our lovely flat here is that the “quiet time” ends 9am, which means that all the construction workers and lawnmowers go crazy in the morning. It was such a turn on to wake up to (not). Anyhow, we rose our bums around 10am, showered, etc, etc, ate the last antipasti loaf and cheese, of course and some tea. It’s incredible how we’ve managed to eat absolute crap for the past week, and we’re still healthy, sort of. Then we did the final packing, which was absolute pain, and cleaned up the place. The vacuum cleaner they had in the flat was called Quiet Jet, and believe me, it was everything but quiet. It was the most twisted electronic device I’ve used past few months. It made a horrible noise and it was a real challenge to clean the floors with it. But we survived. A thing to note also is how much litter we produced with this one week. We had three huge bags full of shoe boxes and labels and one huge-ass trash can full of other crap.
We made it alive to the airport with bus, with our fucking heavy bags (it was pain dragging them) and now we’re sitting in the terminal and just chilling, because our flight is in two hours. Cannot be bothered to go through the security yet, because we’ve still got some bread rolls on us with spread cheese, and we should eat them. Mwhaha. And some people watching should be done also. Oh gosh, by the way, I think we witnessed the ugliest women in Manchester on the bus. They were two moderately obese ladies, with 0,5cm hair, triple chins, nonexistent style and the weirdest bags ever (they were on wheels and looked a bit trolly-like). And they were whining about the bus breaks. I guess it could be categorised as some sort of a childhood trauma of ours. It was dreadful, seriously. Yuck.
We were blessed with good luck at the check-in, because there was almost no line at Finnair desks and we got away smoothly. But we did manage to prove ourselves stupid again by first starting to walk to the wrong terminal instead of checking it from the paper. When it comes to us, it’s so very typical to do something like that. No brain action, whatsoever.
So, this is it. Man, don’t really want to go home. This holiday mode is very easily adaptive and hard to give up, and thinking that we start school in a fucking week is just painful. Hell no! Excruciating. Agonising. Terrible. Help.

CONCLUSION
Sonia saw Alex, and so did I. I flirted with Pete Doherty. We’re both shit broke now. We ended up at some very random places. The weather managed to surprise us with being absolutely non-English. Well done. Food is expensive, but at least the cheese tastes like something. Carrots and baked beans are cheap. Double-deckers are cool. The pubs in England are so nicely dodgy. It was a blast. It was wonderful, quality time. The best thing ever! And I actually managed to shift my accent from 100% pure American to a southern England accent with an undefined twist.
Oh, and the women in England are seriously ugly, and the blokes are quite doable, most of them. And the beer is also very good.
And we both wonder what normal food tastes like…
Oh, and Liam is, indeed, alive. He just lost his phone or something and hasn't got a new one yet. So he's all good and he has to make it up to us with coming to Finland at some point now. Or else...
And we're not slow or anything, just a bit underdeveloped.. :D But it's all good!
Over and out.

Meet me in outerspace.

2007-08-23T23:35:00.001+03:00

... with an obligatory puppy-face.

An unfinished sympathy

2007-08-15T23:03:00.000+03:00

Here's one very interesting start of a conversation, which is going to be continued sometime very soon, hopefully. I just wanted to share the good ideas with you. And I love metaphors. (It's also relevant when looking at the last sentence of my previous text-post.)

ave says:
it's sort of weird, the state i'm in, right now
ave says:
i'm pretty much on a blank page, when it comes to human relationships
ave says:
but there's still this tiny bit of gleam from the previous page ink.. (get my point?)
Jani says:
but now you have an excelent opportunity to grab that pen and create something you want to
ave says:
but you know the first few lines are the hardest part
ave says:
especially when your head and heart have emptied themselves completely
ave says:
i tied all the loose ends in tallinn this summer, and also in espoo, now
ave says:
and jyväskylä did it itself
ave says:
for example, i noticed that my state doesn't change one bit when JP is around
Jani says:
well, you can always have a small break from writing, chill, and look for inspiration
ave says:
but you know, the previous pages haven't been good enough to make a writing either. everything has been so scattered and blurry and made no sense whatsoever
ave says:
so, i'm still hungry for context
ave says:
not just the bare fact that there are words
ave says:
or some... symbols
ave says:
and the symbols haven't formed words and the words haven't formed sentences, this far
ave says:
disarray only.
ave says:
you see my point?
ave says:
so, in a way, i did turn another page. and i can sort of see the lines coming through paper from previous pages.. but it doesn't bother me
ave says:
what bothers me the most is that i'm afraid that i won't get inspired, or the better way to put it would be that the inspiration won't come to me. it'll just be another page of turbid nonsense
Jani says:
maybe you have to take a look and try to improve your writing technique
ave says:
i see your point. it's always about the writer, not the inspiration coming wrongly or from the wrong direction... yes?
Jani says:
i think insipiration can never be wrong, it's just that it takes the right kind of way to make good of it
ave says:
but doesn't inspiration sometimes modify by its own?
Jani says:
explain
ave says:
it's a bit hard
ave says:
you know, sometimes, inspiration might inspire you, but it's not the best kind you could get, whatever determines a 'good' inspiration anyway, but you know, things get complicated and in the end it gets distorted again, even though the writer had good intentions and knew, inside, how to write
Jani says:
then maybe you should write in a postmodernist style
Jani says:
=)
ave says:
explain
ave says:
( i think my life is so postmodern already... so could my book handle it also? )
ave says:
( could i, the writer, handle the postmodernism in my book? )
Jani says:
make the blurriness just a way of telling the story and take a light approach to relationships, like Tómas or Sabina in the Unbearable Lightness Of Being
ave says:
i guess what has made everything i've put down this far so heavy, is the blurriness. i have to resignificance it all to myself. this is going to be hard, and heavy, as i know how heavy i am with my thoughts in this category..
Jani says:
yeah
Jani says:
it's interesting. maybe we should continue on friday(?). now i should be off to bed to read some more =(
ave says:
its interesting, indeed, and now as i've read the unbearable lightness of being, we can talk it all through
ave says:
but i think i'm just going to ditch my pen and the book for a while and see what happens this way. maybe the open book in front of me is what has become a burden now. i mean, i can always open the book (again) if The Inspiration should come to me, right
Jani says:
exactly
ave says:
but good night for now. i think we just gave the devil a finger with this conversation and it's gonna swallow the whole of us
ave says:
but later.

What do You think about it?

Eclipse

2007-08-14T23:51:00.000+03:00

Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...

Everywhen

2007-08-14T23:14:00.000+03:00

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? I am, indeed in love with some things. But I suspect I can actually name them. One of them is The Doors, of course, because I fell for it even more after watching a movie about them (it's called The Doors also, duh). It was wonderful! I did that after coming back from Manchester at Iiro's place. We stayed up quite late, until 5am or so, because we just couldn't get sleep. And I was still tossing around in my bed for a few more hours. Going on a ship next morning was absolute pain.
But yes, Manchester. It was wild, I must say. Wild in a mellow and cool way. I saw Arctic Monkeys live, it was fabulous, and then also got a black eye from the gig and flirted with Pete Doherty. The black eye came from something flying at my eyebrow during the last song. It was very, very ugly. In England I also went to Liverpool for a day. The whole trip was a nice chillout, in general, with an exellent company, Sonia.
(And it's me you need to show how deep is your love, how deep is your love... they all should let us be, we belong to you and me..)
Then I finished my summer work in Estonia, finally. Got paid. Finished everything unfinished, pretty much, and came back here with a clean sheet to start from. I also handled some situations in Helsinki before returning to Jyväskylä. Everything didn't exactly go the way I planned, but I guess I found the peace of mind I was looking for in those questions 300km away.
My first night of being back in Jyväskylä was slightly depressing. I didn't feel like being here a tiny bit. The thought of having to go to school the next morning just sucked ass bigtime. Luckily I got over it, because the first day of school turned out to be really nice. The school part was a little pointless, sweaty, and full of "old" faces. It's funny how in high school people don't change radically over summer any more. After school I was hanging out with some people, went to eat in Soppis with Emmi and Aleksi, hanged out with Aleksi a bit more, went home, Aleksi came here, we had a few drinks and then headed off to Sohwi, to drink. I had a surprisingly good time with him. It was seriously, unexpectedly cool. And when I walked home from town, I realised I was walking with a constant smile on my face. That's something. And the feeling of contentment was just so divinely harmonised with one of the things I love the most about summer endings - the velvet deep dark starry skies. It's so mindblowingly beautiful. I sat by my lake, marvelled at the reflections of street lights and everything on the silky-looking water surface. Seizing the moment they call it. I loved it.
The first decent day of school was slightly pointless also. We only had 2 hours of ToK and that was about it.
One thing I noticed today, was that this one scheming feeling towards this one person, awoke again. I wonder, I wonder if anything will come out of it (no it's not a crush).
I would so want to fall in love, for real. Feel the queasy butterflies in my stomach and the feeling of extraterrestial floating 24/7. I'd love that:).
I hope I'm not going to die with all the school stuff I have for already next week. It's not going to be lightsome.

Read Milan Kundera's The Unbearble Lightness of Being.

What does Your soul look like?

2007-07-26T12:39:00.000+03:00

Hungry, hungry hippos

2007-07-26T11:25:00.000+03:00

England tomorrow, yay! My life has been so colourful and intense lately, that it's beyond mindblowing. The pace with which things develop is very, very high. It's remarkable, how everything varies like a diagram of your heart activity on the computer.. Once it's very mellow and cool, and the very next moment you're busting your arse with work and everything just collides, and all the crap you can possibly think of, gathers on one little nerve cell of yours. And when the latter one happens, you fail to see any positivity in life whatsoever. And you just neglect the little things that could, in theory (and in practice also), bring you back to the brighter side of life. Why is it that we don't cling onto these things? And haven't you noticed that the 'why' questions are the hardest of all? When we most need something that is in our reach, why don't we reach for it? Is it some sort of a pride thing keeping us back, telling us that we have to crawl out of everything ourselves, just to prove our self-efficacy?
I feel a bit emptier today, than usual. It's not any kind of a negative emptiness in me, just the comprehension of the indispensable.. Sucks to realise that your life is controlled by some external elements that are always there, that you can do nothing about, and that arranges everything surrounding. Of course, some things come down to your own decisions also, but if to choose something over something... which one to take: the one that suggests contentment in longrun, maybe with some withdrawals... or something that is absolutely pure pleasure, but only ephemeral, unrepeated? The only comfort and consolation I see in this question is the thought of believing in fate. Shouldn't everything that happens, happen for a reason explained somewhere higher from the colloquial and banal, literally down-to-earth action? Who knows. But it sure diminishes the anguish caused by the inevitable and imminent.
When all is said and done, all that's left, is just to accept everything, try and make best out of it and not to stress about it. Everything goes as it's supposed to. I presume.
England is going to be a blast. We're gonna rock those brits so hard, it's not even funny;)!

All these todays just melt into tomorrows

2007-07-05T01:40:00.000+03:00

Life of a workaholic is kind of hard. Sucks to be me, ey;) (but I'm loving every second of it, to be honest). Otherwise, everything is as good as always. My Finnish people and a Canadian just left today after they had been here from last Saturday. It was really cool having them here, but it sucked because I got sick and I had work almost every day... So I couldn't hang out with them nor be a proper hostess. I don't get it - I haven't been sick throughout the whole school year, and now, in the summer, I manage to catch a friggin cold:S. Makes no sense whatsoever..
Kristin and all the other exchange-niggas are back (the European ones) now. I was so happy to see Kristin I cried. I love the tears of joy. It's something undescribably beautiful, and relieving, in a way. It's a really cosy and warm feeling to have someone back you've missed for so long. But it feels like she wouldv'e been here all the time. I guess the country or the continent doesn't really make any difference, when the friendship is true and big and strong. Exactly the same with Piret coming back from Chile.. It was like a long-ass trip, not a year abroad.
I so love my friends<3.>

And oh:D, my voice is so darn husky right now, it's not even funny. Well, in fact it is, but it's not too cool for me. I sound like a friggin whore from behind the train station.. Mwhaha. (to be read with a hoarse tone)

I can't believe Iiro, Karl, Pete and Ragnar are gonna be eurotripping for a whole month! I'm gonna miss them and I'm also so jealous. A whole month in Europe. Freedom. Time of their lives. Lucky muffins.
But jeesh, sleep now very, very important, as I have work tomorrow again. Quite early.
Booyah!

Mighty micro people

2007-06-27T23:36:00.000+03:00

My ecstasy?

In quicksand

2007-06-27T20:20:00.000+03:00

I've now been working at the new sales company for two days. Surprisingly I even enjoy it to a very high extent. I've always thought that salespeople are stupid and annoying pervs, and now being one of them myself (I still believe it a bit:D) I think it's not that monochromatic at all. Being a salesperson recquires good skills of approaching people and not scaring them away, because the attitude towards those folks is well-known, isn't it?
I love it right now how I'm just so busy that it isn't even funny, but the great thing with all the action is that thing actually get done. It's so true to say that who does, gets thing done. Stating the obvious again, obviously.

I've often been wondering about changes in our lives. Factors, that affect the flow of our life-rivers. There are always rocks in the water and all those other obstacles to overcome. Yet the flow never stops. It never stops. It might change direction, sometimes, but don't you find it all natural?
After all, isn't it all about how we perceive the world ourselves? We might take the change of direction as a form of change, but isn't this overrating?
I strongly suggest people to read Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I think the idea of this book pretty much describes my philosophical perception of life at the moment.
I've worked out a profound theory of the meaning of life and everything, but it's way too complex to be put down here. It's something I'd want to discuss about with a glass of good wine and a perfect company worthy of having a discussion about everything and yet nothing. It's complicated and deep, yet so simple and logical, so overrated but yet sometimes the value of it is neglected somewhere under a pile of filthy sadness and bitterness of the unwanted and repressed emotions that crawl upon us from the ill boundaries we set ourselves with the imaginary rules (and the sentence needs punctuation, yes..)... It's just so iffy, I love it. Take it all in, kids. The complexity and simplicity melange is what makes it so fascinating. Just don't forget to see beauty in ugliness and perfection in beauty.
The love for living is what keeps the flow in the right direction. It's easy to lose it. Just don't let things get to you.
And the thing they call regretting... there is no such thing. What's done is done, don't look back. Doesn't matter how hard we try, it's impossible to change time. It's something we have to live with and accept the fact that everything passed is past. Period. (I'll go eat something now.)

Strangest secret

2007-06-18T20:40:00.000+03:00

This is so fucking strange! I was waiting for my bus earlier today, and I caught myself from wondering about what the fuck is up with the pigeons! I had about 25 minutes to wait there and the place was... well not full of pigeons, but there was, say, plenty of them. They've recently started being all buff and fluffy and show-offy. I guess they're on heat or something. Anyhow, the thing that I was wondering about really was that how the hell don't we ever see pigeon chicks?! Well, there's no way on earth I'm gonna buy that they're born in the size we see them in the streets... Where are the pigeons until they grow up? And don't the smaller pigeons (chicks) ever come to the streets then? This is so darn trippy! I've never noticed it before, but it sure is strange. Pay attention to it sometimes and it'll freak you out also! I was so blown away by it that all our family was talking about in the dinner table tonight, was pigeons:D.
GO FIGURE!!

I'm gonna go and paint (it black!) my book shelves now. Hopefully in a few days I can rearrange my room, get rid of the excessive crap.

I feel like calming down. I seriously pray I'm not gonna blow anything this time. Or is there a point in trying at all? We sure all know where everything in my life ends up at..

Music is math

2007-06-17T23:56:00.000+03:00

Passing by

2007-06-17T23:49:00.000+03:00

Well. It's nice. I mean, it's nice considering all the confusion around. I just don't seem to be able to get my head around stuff again. It feels like I'd have nothing to say. I don't think I do. I do know one thing right now - I wish I could be in Finland right now. I wish I could take my cool Estonians with me and just be there. And I need to calm down... settle down. I had my fair share of shit in change of the wildlife I've been living. Or maybe I just matured overnight (impossible). Btw, if anyone happens to have a spare apartment in the center of London, please do inform me. I'm looking for a place to live there. It seems unrealistic that I am, in fact, moving away from Finland already in a year. Man, time flies!
[Funki Porcini - Wicked, Cruel, Nasty and Bad]

I aspire for lightness, but this is what really makes it heavy, do you see what I mean?

I should hold my horses for a while..

Astral travelling

2007-06-11T01:26:00.000+03:00

This morning I pretty much out of random decided to come to Finland. I had been home for one long week already. Things had managed to happen.. It was a decision made in five minutes, to head off to the North. For a few days only, but still, I guess a good way to recharge batteries so that they'd last the whole long and nice summer.
I'm so increadibly tired right now, but I feel a strong urge to tell my beloved ones who read this thing here about my wonderful trip to the USA.
I'll do it some other night perhaps, because I seriously need some sleep. I've let myself go, completely. I'm dreadfully confused.
Boards of Canada - Dayvan Cowboy(8)

On the verge of...

2007-05-13T23:04:00.000+03:00

What's the use of feet if you haven't got legs?

[Telefon Tel Avin - john thomas on the inside is nothing but foam
Telefon Tel Avin - lotus above water(8)]

Today I read the whole day. I feel insipid. Insipid, but with a slight drop of hope that I might even pass my exams. Might.

Sometimes I'm wondering why on earth do I even write here. What's the use? A good cause? Where? To whom?

Kids, listen to good idm!

Your face reminds me of when I was old..

I remember the future!

2007-05-12T22:29:00.000+03:00

"To be to somebody the cause of sufferings and joys, without having any right to it - is this not the sweetest possible nourishment for our pride?" /M.Lermontov, A Hero of our Time/

Isn't this one of those nasty truths that our poor minds so eagerly delight, yet so seldom dare to admit? We are obtruded by the moral and ethical normatives dictated by a recondite societal brainwash-system. Trying so phreneticly to differentiate ourselves from the rest of the gray masses, we just make up the very same one little particle in the big substance, trying to swim upstream.
So, what takes us/them/me/you down?

Or what do we really aspire for?

It's just one of those pseudo-philosophical wannabe moments of mine. To be taken with a hint of jest.
[St.Germain - So Flute]

My head feels like a frisbee.

2007-05-12T00:11:00.000+03:00

I just hate it sometimes when things budge away from their normal axis and then nothing's right any more. For example, circardian rythms are something that can very easily be altered, even unintentionally. Even a little factor like having an exam the next day can just f*ck you up the following day. I suffered from mediocre insomnia last night. This morning I was just semi-dead. When I got back from town, in the afternoon, I fell asleep. Now it's 00:15 and I feel no fatigue whatsoever! It's kind of fascinating yet imbecile how easily human beings can be manipulated by.. something. And here's a fun fact: when I tried to enjoy sauna earlier, I could stay there for a few minutes only, because I got a brutal epistaxis (don't even ask me why I know this posh word for a nosebleed:D). Anyhow, this is some boring stuff.
Well, not that I would have anything too relevant to say anyways. My summer holiday starts in 5 days pretty much. This is rather pleasant.
I bought myself a cool new belt today, probably one of the coolest belts I've ever stumbled upon. It's men's. :D Krhm.
I'm going to read some Doctor Zhivago or some school stuff in order to get sleepy. I wonder if it's going to work..
[Jaga Jazzist - I have a ghost, now what?]

When everything else is gone.

2007-05-10T00:08:00.000+03:00

I'm so fucking blank right now. And still I'm obliged to write my Psychology exam tomorrow. I've just produced 13 (hic!) pages of conspect and ... I don't think I know anything. Blank. Empty. Meaningless. Inaccessible. Blunt. Overproduced. Inefficient. Irrational. Senseless.
Yet there's hope. One week to go and I've put an end to it, for now.
[Bonobo - Sleepy Seven]

En fågel i handen är bättre än tio i skogen.

2007-05-07T00:21:00.001+03:00

I feel sort of guilty for not having written anything relevant here for ages. This entry is no better either. My summer break starts in 10 days, basically. Within these 10 days I have to survive 4 mock exams, English WL essay and Math porfolio. Yay. I hope you can just feel the immeasurable excitement of mine.
It has been fairly intense latterly. I pretty much hate myself for procrastinating with everything I have to do, but I guess working under heaps of stress is the only way I can actually get anything done. Sucks to be me, but apparently we all have our own ways of floating our boats, yes?
Klute - Ambient Hell (8)
Amazing to think that in two weeks exactly I'm going to be on my way to SF... Mindblowing! Of course, the flight there is rather bitch, because it's about 14h, if I remember right. I am definitely going to be bedsore after this. You know, I have my blogger thingie here in Finnish and for the love of god, it does not sound/look/feel good at all. Why can't they just keep it simple and English? Speaking of English and Finnish languages... I'm turning finglish. My linguistic breakdowns are not even funny any more! It scares the hell out of my bum each time, but I mean... it's not normal for me to go speak Finnish to my English-speaking friends. Crazy stuff.
The stuff going on in Tallinn is not nice at all. I hope it will (c)ease soon.

My Winamp just went nuts. I should try to crawl into bed also. I drank too much of that heavenly Nepali tea earlier. Surprising how good an unflavoured simple black tea can taste. Oh and my mum also came back from Belgium and she brought me the best chocolate pralinés ever. Oh man, I've been (involuntarily) dieting for too long now. Happy days! Food!
I love food.

By the way, all plots and schemes seem to be untangling now, eventually. I guess it's a good thing. But you never know, you know. Those sneaky things sometimes just get you without you even noticing. And this is what I call a sticky situation.
Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love (8) (I don't even want to recall the version Aleksi sang:D... 'how deep is your ....') it's a cool song, though. It was cool singing it in the grocery with him. Nanananaaaa...

Okay, when one does not have anything functional to say, one should shut the f*ck up. Hence, I shall precipitate to the fortuitous oblivion discharge dormant stage that our lives provide us with. Not to sound sophisticated or anything.
Klute - Part of Me(8)

All the same.

2007-04-11T17:34:00.000+03:00

Today I woke up and I was seriously so abashed by the scene seen from my window. It was snowy and snowing outside. WTF, mates? Global warming my ass! And more towards the day, it was nice and sunny, but when we got out of school, it was gray and cold and windy again and it was hailing. I don't get it. Something is very wrong. Something is/was very wrong with my mood as well. There's something bringing me down, but I'm not very sure about what it could be. At least I'm not in denial about my mood-swings.
I still haven't got used with my new lighter hair. It freaks me out each time I see my reflection in the mirror.
Oh, haha. Today during lunch, I had the cutest and most embrassing moment with JP. He was sitting right across the dining hall from me and we were keeping eye-contact while eating. And of course, I'm the most horrible eater in the world, or at least in Finland... And it was so cool, because he doesn't seem to be the smoothest eater either, at least when someone is watching. So we both had quite a good laugh, at each other. I don't really understand this guy, though. But I cannot be bothered to really go deep into the topic and try to figure out the details. It's all the same. I wonder what's up with all the guys in our school wearing the exact same jeans, by the way?
This confusing guy still confuses me, and I'm not sure if it's in the positive way. I think we have the kind of love-hate relationship. Go figure..

And casually, it is totally normal to have a discussion over me wearing (red) leather underwear or not. :D This is what you get in our ToK lessons. And of course, fucking frozen chicken and then cooking it. Gotta love IB:D. We're all a bunch of perverts, I love it!

2007-04-09T00:24:00.000+03:00

I realised I use big words a lot, grand words. But I'm not sure if it's a bad thing neccessarily..
Maybe it's just in order to try to impart the message in a stronger mean.

At least we dig each other.

2007-04-08T23:50:00.000+03:00

I love home.
I love my friends. (The Ones know it perfectly well and other people are just cool:)
I love my quality time at home with my precious friends.
I love alcohol consumed in right amounts.
I love music so very much.
I love other mind-altering substances and moments.
I love enjoying it all.
I love emotions.
The list is to be continued.

I'm listening to Nelly Furtado - Say It Right(8) at the moment. Strange how drifted away from pop music I used to be, but ms Furtado I dig a lot. The song is rather alternative-pop, when trying to squeeze a piece of music into some frames (which is so extremely wrong to do, actually). Anyhow, I was just now thinking about the emotions the song gives me. It's a good song, but still it in a way depresses me. Strange. But it's not the bad kind of depression. I haven't even ever thought about the message ms Furtado is trying to address to us with it. So, go figure. But this is not what I came here to talk about. It was just a random drifting away of my mind. Should snap out of it.

My long weekend in Estonia has been so wonderful. I have to admit I seldom enjoy Finland that much. In Finland only short instances are as enjoyable as this whole time here has been for me now. I wonder what causes it.. I'm not saying I wouldn't like it in Finland, but it's just so friggin different. In a good way? (My cat just had the biggest eyes I've ever seen:D it was totally "8" face:D, nice.)

I'm shivering. I hope I didn't catch a cold, because I've managed to preserve my good health through the whole winter. Would suck to get sick now, just before my exams. I should probably go take a hot bath and go to bed... I don't know. It's all so strange. I'm confused. I'm happy and not so happy at the same time. HOW EMO CAN YOU GET:D?! A split personality. I don't think I should even bother to understand those schemes hovering through my head... Hopeless case, I guess.

I would so do Jude Law. I so would! I would do lots of things. I would like to do lots of things. The more, the better:D (and please, this time I'm NOT implying anything dirty).
But I do even sometimes amuse myself, with how dirty and gross and corrupt my mind can be. All those nasty little details keep amusing me, and I'm sure someone is going to send me to an anti-dirty-treatment soon. At least it's all fun.

I'm gonna go take a hot bath now (sorry, jacuzzi;)).

And if someone feels like it, I'm giving out FREE HUGS:)! Positiveness is always good and it's such a nice way of saying "it's all good, someone cares". And even if caring is not included, it's cute and warm (practical purposes included as a bonus). Kids, hug more:)! Hugs are good.

5 weeks and I'm off to San Francisco! How cool is that.

Vernal affairs and hormones in action.

2007-03-29T18:54:00.000+03:00

Hello, comrades. Long time no typeu, again. [Forty Foot Echo - Brand New Day(8)]
Lots of things have happened since then. Damn, this song I'm listening to right now, is just so nice, and it reminds me of this one person, who's even more nice.. Anyhow! First we had a dance party in Estonia, in RaMkool.. it was just fabulous! Me and Rain had handled 3 bottles of wine before the party, but it still puzzles me how Rain managed to get so drunk... And I'm the one who drank vodka in town, afterwards... After the prom I went to town to meet up with Raimond and when we were buying booze from near the railway station, I realised I had lost my wallet. Panic. I was going to leave for Paris in two days and my ID-card and all that stuff is there. Eventually it turned out to be all good, because Rain had my wallet in his coat pocket. Tallinn, in general was Party, Party, Party. It was heart-warming seeing all those adorable buddies of mine. However, I managed to consume so many liquid substances with OH-groups in them the other night, that I couldn't pull myself together and hang out with Hando, Mikk, Kostja and others:D I'm almost ashamed.. But hey, sh*t happens:) and even the most experienced ones sometimes screw up. Most of my quality time in Tallinn was spent with Raimond, who is an extremely cool, positive, nice, friendly, adorable, funny, and everything else a-close-to-perfection-male-person could possibly be.
On Monday (19.03) I flew to Paris with my the-coolest-brother-ever. I'm not going to tell any more about Paris that it was awesome despite the fact that weather sucked so bad that it's not even funny. And the reason, why I actually went there - Incubus gig - was cancelled. Bad luck, disappointment was beyond big. But otherwise, j'aime Paris;)! Beaucoup.
[Dagö - Armastuslaul(8)]
But now I'm back in Finland, it's so nice and sunny here. Probably the first time when coming back here didn't flip me away with the extra bad weather, kind of contrary.

It's so nice to see, how more intense sunrays cheer people up and you can see more smiles on people's still-so-pale faces. Speaking of being pale - I got the year's first tan today. I had a few skip hours at school and I was just chillaxing outside and I got a slight blush on my cheeks. Nice (read with a thick Northern England accent).
[Björk - Hyperballad(8)]

The only thing bothering me at the moment is that I'm so darn lazy. I just can't help it. I cannot get my head around things and then I'm just constantly spacing out and daydreaming. I think I k now one of the reasons for this unearthliness, at least. It's this one person approx. 400km away. I have my fingers crossed to be able to see the person when I go to Estonia in a week, again.
Linnu, my dear, is going to turn 17! And Pätu (aka Pärtel) as well.

I love people and jokes. Ahh. I love life:)!

Peace and love. Just take it all in!

Favourite things.

2007-03-14T00:22:00.000+02:00

Today was a fabulous day! It was almost as good as it gets. Just awesome!
First thing in the morning, after enjoying my morning tea - the usual, I walked out of my house, and felt the wind stroking my face with a lot softer touch, than usually. It had a vernal smell. The birds were singing their lungs out, and for some strange reason, the morning seemed to be lighter than ever. Met up with Juulia and walked to school with her. I found out in my Mathematics class, that the time I'm going to be in Paris, only Higher Level students have to attend, which means I'm not going to miss out on anything! What a relief - I can enjoy Paris without any guilt what so ever. And the teacher did it all for me, how nice is that! It totally brightened up my day to an extent when I was completely overwhelming with all the sunshine and nice people around me. I was just bursting out laughing and enjoying the sunrays flattering my skin with warmness. After school I was hanging out with Sonia, who is just such a darling. We had a blast in Wayne's Coffee (I love the place, and the place loves me, since I probably am their best customer) first and then we went on to Soppabaari, where I had a delicious tomato-feta pasta. We chilled there until 10pm. When I got home I was just so happy! I still am. I love, LOVE those times when everything is just in the right place, almost..
I wish I could give a piece of my joy to all the world so that everyone would be happy! Or at least discover the positive side of things.
It is so close to perfection right now. Having some more darlings with me here, right now, would make it complete. My honeybunnies (the ones whom I mean, know it;), can't wait to see you!
I'm just so anxious about everything about to happen!
Some people just make your day by simply existing. Mindblowing.
I can imagine the overwhelming feelings in me when I get to see People. Those two weeks of absence has made the heart grow fonder a great deal. Those two weeks have been both the longest and shortest two weeks of all times. I think there's a little something called 'butterflies' in my tummy. Feels great!

Jätteglad:)!
And after I'm back from Paris, there's only 8 weeks of school left for me, and off to San Francisco I go. Can it get any better? It can.

Puss och kram:P

Nightwalker

2007-03-11T20:36:00.000+02:00

Mõnikord tundub rohkem, kui üks asi vale. Vahepeal lihtsalt oled kogu maailmas pettunud ilma hea põhjuseta. Aga alati on midagi, mida väga oodata. Nädala pärast ma lähen Pariisi, see on hea.
Ja juba neljapäeval olen ma Eestis!
Mul oleks ilmselt siirust vaja. See ongi puudu. Miks kõik nii silmakirjalikud on?

But still, listen to good music, kids!
Sucks to be nocturnal.

It feels like having a cake and eating it too!

2007-03-09T21:00:00.000+02:00

Zenith[10] says:
they didn't fucking ask for my id when i bought them from alko :D lazy bastards
sonia says:
haha they didnt?? but i think you do look adult. i mean if you werent 18 you'd pass for it
sonia says:
i mean you're not OLD
sonia says:
you're mature =DDD
sonia says:
but not mentally

This is what you get for turning 18. :D
Life is crazy. Time flies. In 10 days I'm going to be in Paris. I can't really believe it, after my week in Paris, there is only 8 weeks of school left, and then off to San Francisco!
Hell yeah!
My subconsciousness is playing tricks on me, and it's not even funny!
Anyways, tomorrow, Helsinki, again:)! Rather enjoyable. I love Helsinki!

But the not-so-nice-thing is that I miss Tallinn and my honeybunnies a lot. A big bunch! Damn.

Suits me.

2007-02-15T21:36:00.000+02:00

Today was a funny day. I went to school for basically nothing. Okay, we were supposed to have 2 hours of Biology, but today our school-leavers had their last day of school, an event here called "penkkarit". It means that everyone has dressed up as something random (yay, carnival) and people are drinking and fooling around at school. Later they get on huge trucks and drive around in the city and throw candies for people who have come to see the whole spectacle. Oh, the exitement! Since I didn't care that much, I left home pretty early. Our Biology teacher just could not be bothered to keep the lesson. Got some candy and home I went. I accidentally fell asleep reading the book for my Historical Investigation and I also had a minor mental breakdown. I just started crying at one point. Strange. Sometimes I wonder about the things going on in my head. After I had woken up, I called Mikael and we decided to go downhill skiing. My first proper time, basically. I loved it. Nik joined us later, too. I think downhill skiing is my new love, however, right now I'm such a n00b..
I feel so relaxed now, and I should go to sauna. To make the relaxation even more complete.
No school tomorrow either, and I didn't go yesterday either. I could get used to this!

Queremos paz, muchacha!

2007-02-12T20:49:00.000+02:00

Estou em disposição bossa-nova hoje. Aunque, esto estuvo en portugese, porque la bossa-nova viene de Brasil. Estoy en el modo bossa-nuovo hoy. Yo no he escrito en español desde... mucho tiempo. Pero no creo que me entiendes ahora. No quiero todavía estar vieja! No quiero trabajar ni tener responsabilidades. Permancener pequeña y fácil. No puedo, desgraciadamente.
¿Qué tal, mis amigos amables? No soy loca, pero mi futuro es oscuro, yo lo se precisamente. Adiós, español, un rato..
¡Ríase más!

What does your soul look like?

2007-02-08T23:10:00.000+02:00

Today was a good day. A good and a pointless day. Sometimes you just have to do nothing relevant, but yet so genuine. I updated my gallery on deviantART (http://lendur.deviantart.com) and talked to some good people online. I also read for my English mock exams tomorrow, but not too much to feel comfortable about the literary criticism we have to write. It's so bitch cold here that I left my apartment only for 5 minutes today, I was semi-outside, on my balcony. But it was beautiful, because the sun seems to shine more vernally than ever before. Even though it is more than 30 minus degrees (Celcius, kids) outside.
I'll be good.
Soon.
In 60767 seconds. Or better make it 60768. And I love eating ice-cream with this weather. I do. Go figure!

Don't forget where the heart is.

2007-02-05T18:12:00.000+02:00

Well howdy, my comrades. How's life down there? Over a rather long period of time I could be bothered to pull my little, but over-working brain cells together and drag my little cursor on the 'Blogger' thing and write a passage here. Isn't that just marvellous? Today was an-okay-day, when it comes to waking up half past eight and being all well reposed. I did, indeed, do that, albeit I have been experiencing oddly strange dreams lately. But when it comes to all the other elements of one's day, it was a-shitty-ass-day. I don't know. Everything seems to be jolly good, but there's still some kind of an unease in my head. Being too demanding might be one wherefore... but still! I mean. My weekend was splendid. I spent almost the whole day on Friday on Laajavuori, snowboarding (now almost every inch of my body is sore and muscle cells filled with lactic acid, but it does not devastate me) . In the beginning of the day, it was nice and powdery and it was snowing like hell. Towards the end of the day, it got warmer and eventually the snow got sticky and wet (though it was -3'C). But I did enjoy the good company offered by Emmi, Heidi (they left a bit earlier), Nik and Mikael. Those fellows of mine are extra up-in-grade-people.
Saturday was even more decent. The morning was just the most perfect winter-wonderland weather. The sun was shining and the nature seemed to be extremely happy. Even some vernal bird songs caught my ear. [St.Germain - So Flute, (8)] Thus, I decided it is a stalemate to not exit this oppressive indoor construction and take a walk on the wildside. I lured Juulia to come with me, even though she had apparently woken up pretty recently. Anyhow, we did not manage to walk too far, we went on the lake of ours (yes, kids, we own the world) and just sat there in the snow. And rolled around in the snow. And of course, we were wondering about the world being so wonderful and full of joy. The usual taking-all-the-beauty-of-life-in-moments. Gotta love those. Afterwards we came to my place and had some hot chocolate with cookies. And we also sat in the sauna with clothes and cracked up over almost everything - the usual IQ-depletion, when it comes to us two. A while after Juulia had left, Emmi came to my place, since my mum was supposed to give us all a ride to Vaajakoski, where we had sold our souls to Matti and promised to help at this one party. No-one of us really knew what was the theme of the party or anything. Then Nik came, too. And Juulia. And then we went to Vaajakoski. When we got off the car, I saw this one really handsome-looking lad. A punk-rock-ass-boyo. I was all bewitched, as a silly young lady would be. I remember having a dialogue with Juulia that it would be cool if that guy came to our party. Oh, by the way, by then we had found out that what we are dealing with, is a hiphop event. Underground stuff - rappers and breakers and everything like that. In a way it arose suspicion, since I don't really fancy hiphop that much. Gotta say, my attitude towards this sub-culture rose a great deal. Much respect, from now on. This mainstream blingbling thing is just corrupting the idea of raw, pure and professional underground hiphop. Not that I would start living a hiphop gansta life now, but I just reduced my ignorance and grew respect. That's nice, isn't it. [Björk - Pagan Poetry(8)]
The funny thing is that the hot guy actually came there. He did not seem to be the kind of person who would show up at an event like this. Me and Juulia were working at the wardrobe, so we had a nice overview of people coming and going. Whereas people were not allowed to have their bags inside, there was always some turmoil at the 'narikka'. Everyone had to come get cigarettes and some drinks and so on. So the hot lad came to his bag rather often, too. I dared to bum a cigarette from him and he said that he would give me one in change of my phone number. This is kind of cool, because this contradicts my conclusion made on Finnish people last weekend. I was so sure there had to be a catch. But it seems that there was none. We talked a bit and chatting with him made him only more attractive to me, since he appeared to be a nice person as well. I became friends with a very nice young lady, named Emilia, too. She was a friend of Timo's (the guy who asked for my number). That's spunky too, I love new acquaintances! Concludingly, I had a nice Saturday evening, even though I was more than exhausted from hard work. But I guess it was worth it, since we got CAS (=slavery for the IBO, additional to brainwash) and stuff.
On Sunday I cleaned my room thoroughly. Feels so nice now when everything is at its right place and no dust obstructing my nostrils any more when digging into some stuff under my desk. And I went to practise, which is always a nice thing to do, even when lacking energy. By the way, I strongly suspect my favourite coach being pregnant..
AND despite all that, I felt so weird at school today! I realised I miss Estonia a great deal. I miss my honeybunnies. I miss my cat. I miss my brother and daddy. I cannot wait those two weeks to be over and enjoy my winter break. Maybe I'm suffering from something they diagnose to be winter-depression? Cannot be. Maybe I just need to get laid? That always seems to help. But one sure thing is that I really miss some closeness and warmth. This is why I need to get to Estonia as quickly as possible, because my heart-warmers in majority are there! Oh my, I miss you!
I guess I just had to take this evening off, today and write this epic passage here. I couldn't be bothered to go to practise and I'm just listening to good music now. I should start doing some Biology homework. I think my theacher has gone nuts, since he gave us SO MUCH to do. And the topic we are dealing with, at the moment, is so darn boring. Plant science. Argh. I have this really nice picture of a leaf on as my wallpaper (on my pc), and earlier turning on my computer was so strange, because now I know to name all the little parts and details of this little leaf. It takes all the fun away, in a sense.. Okay, I'm not making any sense whatsoever any more, so I'll finish now. I really hope I can pull my positivity together again and get a grip on myself. Grip needed.
And world, please, DO behave.
Oh, and kids, listen to good music. Anything good goes. I'm on the jazzy wavelenght just now. And underground (+instrumental) hiphop is surprisingly good. Don't be reserved with new things. It's so mind-blowing how cool some totally new extremes might turn out to be.

Sometimes I wonder. But otherwise, life is good, stop global warming and love your friends and family. And do not forget to show and tell them how precious they are. It's good to hear nice words every now and then, brightens up the dullness. For real;)!

Cheers.
It does feel a bit nicer now. More bearable at least.
[Incubus - Pardon Me, acoustic (8)]

It's all so iffy!

2007-01-29T21:30:00.000+02:00

Well, howdy, mates. Felt like writing in English tonight. It's so strange to cognitively realise those little things every now and then. Even when they are minor aspects of life, they keep freaking me out so bad! Seriously, what's up with that?! With every little piece of knowledge I obtain there grows a need for more. Everlasting consumer society relflects here, perhaps (and here I just have to mention that I purchased this very nice scarf today, even though I didn't have a desperate need for that and it was just a beautiful accessory. "Diamonds are a girl's best friends";))? It is like getting stuck in and endless circle of questions. The more you know, the more you want to know. I know that I don't know a thing. But I guess the important part is, that I want to know. I NEED to know. I had this very inspiring conversation with my mum's friend, who is also a lecturer at the University of Tartu and she paid us a visit today. An incredible lady she is. She is such a bohemian, yet so much on the ground with her feet. She managed to inspire me into deeper research in the questions that have been puzzling me recently. I just realised that I have to try to retain my curiosity. This is what keeps the circle going. I find it rather captivating. What a marvellous amount of information to acquire there is - impenetrable!
By the way, you people, who think Finnish and Estonian folks are alike, you might want to think again! A culture shock, perhaps let's put it that way, hit me. Can you imagine - no such thing as friendship between a male and a female exists without any implications. It just doesn't happen here. There's always a catch. And not to mention that when one happens to walk up to a stranger in the street to just talk to them... It's almost inappropriate. They do, sometimes, do it. But this sometimes is when ... they're drunk. Go figure! I thought I was weird. Not implying anything, though. Man, this world has some twisted ways of functioning. And you know what's random? My Biology teacher speaks Estonian to me every now and then. That's kind of scary.

To be drunk while young and fresh. Oy!

Meelerahu is the ultimate state of being.

2007-01-21T00:15:00.000+02:00

Täna oli hea päev, sest (mõned põhjused):
*ilus jaanuarikuune talveilm (päike ja suurematsorti miinuskraadid)
*üle pikema aja sai heade inimestega rääkida (Piret, Hando, Linnu <3)
*Soniaga Coffee House'is oli liiga lahe
*purjus Nik, Ida ja Mikael tulid külla ja nii lahe oli jaurata
*JP lisas mind endale msni:)!!! !!! !!! See on liiga hullult lahe.
*mul on rahustava mõjuga tablett sees
* ...

It's the little things that make the world! Aga üle pika aja on tõesti mõnus olla. Life has its ups and downs and one just has to take more than maximum out of those ups to survive the downs.

All-zen!

Good girl!

2007-01-20T19:10:00.000+02:00

Ma suutsin eile trennis oma väikese sõrme jätta 5kg kaaluva ketta alla ja nüüd on seal mõrakene. Hästi tehtud, kas pole. See on nõme, sest ma ei saa korralikult trükkida (kirjavigu tuleb palju) ja tavalise pastakaga ka ei saa kirjutada - parem käsi! Soome erakorralise meditsiini süsteem imeb lurinal, aga võib-olla on asi hoopis selles, et ma elan "väikelinnas". Suure hunniku valuvaigistite all oli suht naljakas olla - ma vist kogesin maailmarahu. Ja meesarst (noor) oli suht kena :D. See on lahe.

Ma panin JP-le oma msniga note'i taskusse. Huvitav, mis edasi saab. Reede oli lahe (kui sõrm välja arvata), JP-wise!

Ja nii muuseas istusime Soniaga (Marsh) mingi 6h Coffee House'is ja parandasime maailma. It was so cool:)! Nüüd ma ainult ei tea, kas peaks täna kuskile pidusse minema, või mitte. Juua eriti tark vist ei ole, eriti kui mul sellised toredad kanged valuvaigistid on peal... We shall see.

Nugadega pidu.

2007-01-17T20:08:00.000+02:00

Nonii. Soomega olen nüüd jälle ära harjunud, koolirütm, mis surub väga tugevalt selga, on jälle sees ja matab hinge rohkem, kui kunagi varem. Ma sain näiteks eile teada, et mu historical investigation (uurimustöö, tere) tähtaeg on 6 nädala pärast ja ma pole veel ühtegi raamatut läbi lugeda jõudnud sel teemal. Ma teen nimelt selle metsavendadest. Aga õnneks ma nüüd sain juba 2 raamatut ja eks ma siis loen. Kunagi peab valmis ka kirjutama. Aga see selleks. Kool nagu kool ikka, mõne pisikese vürtsiga igapäevarutiinides, mis on äärmiselt positiivne.
Selle meie kooli vanade tantsude peoga on hullu sädistamist olnud viimastel päevadel. Ma ei teagi nagu, kas nüüd lõppkokkuvõttes minna, või mitte, kuna Emmi tuhnis mulle ühe mingi oma sõbra (kusjuures, suhteliselt kena välimusega isegi), kes oleks nõus mu paariline olema. Ma olen oma paari loomisega umbes pool aastat hiljaks jäänud, võrreldes "tavaliste" soomlastega. Nende jaoks on üldse kogu üritus hullult big deal... Ei mõista, minu jaoks on suhteliselt pohhui (ma ei saa ikka üle sellest, kui väga see sõna mulle meeldib)!

Mulle meeldivad võõrad inimesed. Eriti need, kellega pilgusõprus tekib. Isegi rohkem, kui pilgusõprus. See on nii hullult lahe, mis jaur ühe mu koolivennaga toimub, keda ma ei tunne ja me ei ole kunagi korralikult rääkinud. Ei midagi suurejoonelist, kuid piisavalt ärevust ja seda, et igapäevane hall ja sombune tunduks veidikenegi vikerkaarevärvilisem. JP.

This is all beyond random, seriously. But I love it. It's the little things that make the world! Hell yeah.

Tegelikult on elu ilus ja kõik on täpselt nii positiivne, kui positiivseks sa ise viitsid enda jaoks kõik mõelda. Tsill, noh! Ainuke asi, mis looduse poolt natuke õel on, on see, et tuleb igavene persetäis lund maha ühe ööpäevaga, siis järgmine päev on suur sula ja siis lükkab jälle palju miinuseid temperatuuriskaalale. Nii ei ole ilus teha, libedaks läheb ju!

Kui ma vaid natuke rohkem viitsiks...

Uus.

2007-01-03T12:45:00.000+02:00

Tere kallid kaasmaalased ja -kannatajad. Kõige toredamat uut aastat teile kõigile. Lubbooo!

Vi vet hur det känns!

2006-12-17T15:53:00.000+02:00

Ma leidsin Linnu blogist ühe huvitava asja (tegelikult ilmub seal isegi palju rohkem, kui üks huvitav asi) ja ma otsustasin ka vaadata, mis toimub.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
(Ma kirjutan sulgudesse selle loo, mis ma ise mõtleks sinna panna.)

Opening Credits: Amon Tobin - Nova [Incubus - A Certain Shade of Green]
Falling in love: Bee Gees - Staying Alive [Jack Johnson - Better Together]
Sex Scene: Ruja - Sa Oled Mul Teine [Incubus - Here in My Room]
Breaking Up: Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up [Incubus - Nice to Know You]
Life’s OK: Incubus - Dig [Gap Band - Ride The White Horse]
Mental Breakdown: Incubus - Warning [Lamb - Gorecki]
Driving: Jack Johnson - Wasting Time [Pendulum - Tarantula]
Final Battle: Sigur Ròs - Hoppi Polla [Carlos Varela - Una Palabra]
Death Scene: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here [Killswitch Engage - My Last Serenade]
Funeral Scene: Puddle of Mudd - She Fucking Hates Me [Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata]
End Credits: Johnny Cash - Hurt [London Elektricity - Remember The Future]

Aga üldiselt on selline lugu, et mul vaikselt on selline huvitav sümbioos paanikast ja peale ronivast meelerahutundest (mõeldes sellele, et vähem, kui nädala aja pärast olen ma Eestis ja see kõik eksamite jaur on möödas ning saab oma pere ja mõndade lisanditega koos tõenäoliselt lumeta jõulu nautida). See on naljakas tunne, sest ma tegelikult stressan täielikult nende 3 eksami pärast, mis veel jäänud on, aga siiski siiski.
Mul on üle pika aja lihased valusad - nimelt trenn on ainuke eluvorm, mis ma endale eksamite ajaks jätnud olen. Eile panin natuke rohkem raskuseid kangile, et ikka töötaks ka. Ja töötaski - päris kena hunnik piimhapet kükitab mu lihastes ja kõnnak on veidi kange. Aga see on hea tunne. See on nii armas, kuidas soomlased (jah, midagi on soomlaste juures armsat ka) jõulu ajal igasuguseid värvilisi ja vähem värvilisi tulukesi igale poole riputavad ja kuigi on pasane ja porine ja rõve aeg, need tulukesed teevad nii ilusaks (pimedas vähemalt, siis ei näe pori ka). Ja Kuokkalan Silta, mida ma näen oma aknast otse on ka pimedas nii ilus, kui tulukesed kõik säravad ja peegelduvad järve peegelsiledalt (miks see peegelsile on?) pinnalt. Miks Eestis keegi nii suurt rõhku ei pane sellele, et natukenegi positiivsemaks muuta kõike? Tegelikult müts maha, Tallinna jõulutuled on see aasta päris vinged.
Need lood, mis shuffle sinna ülespoole mulle pakkus, on naljakad:D.

And I'm offically so fucking fed up with Russian history! :|

Praeguse hetkega minu muusikasoovitusi rahvale:
Mew - 156
London Elektricity - Remember The Future (with High Contrast)
Koer - Te Olete Värdjad
Gotan Project - Queremos Paz
Green Day - Minority
ja kõik Incubus ja Deftones ja Portishead

Aaa. Muide. Ma lausa pean eputama. Ma kuulsin Red Hot Chili Peppers - Snow (Hey Oh) laivis. Stockholmis oli konsa ja mu austraallasest hotass uus tutvus helistas mulle sealt ja lasi seda lugu kuulata:) (ta on Rootsis vahetusõpilane). How cool's that!

For those, who dream.

2006-12-11T23:22:00.000+02:00

Inimesed, kes ajapuuduse üle kurdavad, on nõrgad, avastasin mina. Tegelikult on trikk selles, et suure vingumise ja hädaldamise juures kaob aega palju rohkem, kui siis kui reaalselt midagi ära teha. Sama lugu on ka minu blogimisega. Mul ei ole aega, aga aega tegelikult ju on. Ma lihtsalt kasutan seda võib-olla veidi ebaratsionaalselt. Samas sellise jutu peale on mul ka hea vabandus varukast tõmmata - mul on eksamid tulekul ja ma õpin, õpin, õpin. Lugu on nii, et mul on juba 3 päeva järjest konstantne peavalu olnud. Ei, see ei ole normaalne. Valuvaigistitele ei allu, tõbras! Ainuke asi, mis näib seda muserdavat "tahan-olla-talv-aga-tegelikult-olen-sitt-sügise-moodi-asi" ilma ja meeleolu parendab, on hea muusika, mis isegi naeratuse mõnikord näole toob. Mõned inimesed on ka veel natuke trööstivad. Üldjuhul on kummaline, kuidas mingi väike nõme pisiasi võib kogu pildi ära rikkuda, isegi kui ülejäänu on lausa vapustav... Mis süsteem see veel selline on?!
Kui aus olla, ei ole mu elus midagi väga erutavat toimunud. Eks ilmselt nagu meil kõigil - same shit, different day. Hästi lahe on lugeda igasuguseid aastaks ajaks neegriks läinud inimeste kirju ja bloge, kuidas nende elutempo on hoopis teise väärtusega, kui pidevalt paigal olevatel inimestel. See on lahe. Ma natukene vist ootasin, et mu Soome-elu saab selline ka olema, aga võta näpust - ma ei ole ju vahetuseks siin... Ma elan siin. Kummaline mõelda. Aga ma pean siiski tõdema, et mulle vist päris kognitiivsel tasandil see siiski ei ole päris kohale jõudnud. Huvitav, kas kunagi üldse jõuabki? Mõneks ajaks on ehk paremgi veidi aega maha võtta ja elutempot redigeerida nii, et kool oleks prioriteet number üks. Nagu mul praegu on. Ja trennilainele olen ka end suutnud upitada - see on ainult mõnus.

Mens sana in corpore sano.

Kahe nädala pärast olen ma rõõmsalt Eestis jälle. Selle üle on mul siiralt hea meel. Kõik inimesed, kes väga väärt on, neid näeb jälle ja.. oh kui tore! Aga enne peab muidugi ellu jääma. Which is going to be somewhat of a challenge, ey.
Naljakas on, kui selline neutraalne on. Neutraalne pigem tähendab vist halvemat sorti asja, kuna reaalne halb ei pruugi alati halb olla. Mõistate? Selline numb-neutraalne peaks ära keelatud olema. Aga aju püsib praegu päris hästi prinkis. Ma peaks tegelikult proovima korralikult magada. Viimasel ajal olen ma tohhujjaa imelikke unenägusid näinud. Ise ka ei taha uskuda ega mõelda, mida mu toredad ajukäärud teevad une ajal produtseerides selliseid seiklusi mu alateadvusesse. Mis valesti läks, küsin endalt päris tihti hommikuti.

Midagi on täiega puudu. Mõned asjad ajavad täiega segadusse. Mõned asjad lihtsalt ei lähe ära. Tee, mis sa teed, ikka tulevad tagasi. Teemad käivad üles-alla nagu leeprahaige vererõhk (tegelikult ei ole mul õrna aimugi, mida leeprahaige vererõhk teeb, sorry)! Tegelikult peaks ma proovima üles võtta mingi positiivse suhtumise. Seda mitte tehes on oht mitte kaugele jõuda ka. See oleks ju ainult kurb, eks ole. Aga mille nimel Teie pingutate?

Ja A Clockwork Orange on ikka ja endiselt nii kuradi hea film! Aga okei, jolly marvellous, ma tegelen ühe bioloogia (bolo gy) lab reportiga (teemal 'How Does Varying Different Factors Affect the Rate of Photosynthesis; Experiment With Elodea Canadensis') ja siis tuttumuttu. Sleepways is the rightways at the moment. Melatonin kicking in already!

Ja ma saadaks ühed suured kalli-musi-paid neile, kes teavad, et ma neile need saadaks. Ma ausalt igatsen rahvast. Aga varsti näeb, varsti! I cannot wait. Until then, so long, brothers!

million miles away

2006-12-04T11:32:00.000+02:00

"Ma tahan magada sinu kõrval ja käia sinu eest poes ja tassida sinu kotte ja rääkida sulle kuidas ma armastan sinuga olla aga nad sunnivad mind tegema lollusi. Ja ma tahan mängida peitust ja anda sulle oma riided ja öelda mulle meeldivad su kingad ja istuda põrandal kuni sa oled vannis ja masseerida su kaela ja suudelda su jalgu ja hoida su kätt ja minna söögi järele ja mitte pahandada, kui sa sööd minu toitu ja kohtuda Rudy juures ja rääkida, mis päeval juhtus ja trükkida su kirju ja kanda su kaste ja naerda su paranoia üle ja anda sulle plaate, mida sa ei kuula ja vaadata suurepäraseid filme ja vaadata jubedaid filme ja viriseda raadio üle ja pildistada sind, kui sa magad ja tõusta üles ja teha sulle kohvi ja saiakesi ja minna Florenti juurde ja juua keskööl kohvi ja lasta sul varastada mu sigarette ja mitte kunagi leida tikke ja rääkida sulle, mida ma eile telekast nägin ja viia sind silmakliinikusse ja mitte naerda su naljade üle ja tahta sind hommikul, aga lasta sul veel magada ja suudelda su selfa ja silitada su nahka ja öelda sulle, kuidas ma armastan sinu juukseid, sinu silmi, sinu huuli, sinu kaela, sinu rindu, sinu perset, sinu... ja istuda trepil suitsetades, kuni su naabrid tulevad koju ja istuda trepil suitsetades kuni sina tuled koju ja muretseda, kui sa jääd hiljaks ja hämmastada, kui sa tuled varem ja anda sulle päevalilli ja minna sinu peole ja tantsida, kuni ma olen sodi ja kahetseda, kui ma eksin ja olla õnnelik, kui sa endestad ja vaadata su fotosid ja soovida, et ma teaksin sind igavesti ja kuulda sinu häält oma kõrvades ja tunda sinu nahka minu nahal ja ehmuda, kui sa vihastad ja su silm on läinud punaseks ja teine silm siniseks ja juuksed vasakule ja nägu idamaiseks ja öelda sulle sa oled suurepärane ja kallistada sind, kui sa oled rahutu ja hoida sind, kui oled haige ja tahta sind, kui ma su lõhna tunnen ja solvata sind, kui ma sind puudutan ja niutsuda, kui olen su kõrval ja niutsuda, kui ma ei ole ja lakkuda su rindu ja lämmatada sind öösel ja külmetada, kui sa võtad teki ja higistada, kui sa ei võta ja sulada, kui sa naeratad ja aurustuda, kui sa naerad ja mitte aru saada, miks sa arvad, et ma tõuhkan su ära, kui ma ei tõuka ja imestada, kuidas sa võid mõelda, et ma iialgi sinu ära tõukaks ja imestada kas sa oled, aga tunnistada sind ikkagi ja rääkida sulle puu-ingli võlutud metsapoisist, kes lendas üle ookeainu, kuna ta armastas sind ja kirjutada sulle luuletusi ja imestada, miks sa mind ei usu ja tunda nii, et selle jaoks ei leia ma sõnu ja osta sulle kassipoeg, kes mind armukadedaks teeb, kuna ta pälvib rohkem tähelepanu, kui mina ja hoida sind voodis kui sa pead minema ja nutta nagu laps, kui sa lähedki ja saada lahti prussakatest ja osta sulle kingitusi, mida sa ei taha ja võtta need jälle ära ja paluda sul minuga abielluda ja sa ütled jälle ei, aga jätkata küsimist, sest kuigi sa arvad, et ma ei mõtle nii, mõtlen juba esimesest korrast peale ja hulkuda linnas kui see on tühi ilma sinuta ja rääkida sulle endast halvimat ja rääkida sulle endast parimat, kuna sa ei vääri vähemat ja vastata su küsimustele, kui ma parem seda ei teeks ja rääkida sulle tõtt isegi, kui ma tõesti ei taha ja püüda olla aus, kuna ma tean sa eelistad seda ja mõelda, et see kõik on läbi, aga jääda veel kümneks minutiks enne, kui sa viskad mu välja oma elust ja unustad, kes ma olen ja püüda sulle lähemale saada kuna sinu tundmaõppimine on ilus ja pingutust väärt ja rääkida sinuga sinuga halvas saksa keeles ja rääkida sinuga veel halvemas heebrea keeles ja magada sinuga kell kolm hommikul ja kuidagi kuidagi kuidagi edasi anda natuke sellest masendavast lõppematust vallutavast tingimusteta kõikehaaravast südantrikastavast mõistustavardavast jätkuvast lõppematust armastusest, mis mul on sinu vastu."

Ja nii võikski olla. Pange tähele - tingiv kõneviis.
Külmetushaigused on homod, aga õnneks ma elan üle, kuna see on esimene kord kogu sügise/talve jooksul.

Food Poisoning

2006-10-23T20:20:00.000+03:00

Food poisoning is a rather queer thing. I would rather not having it. My stomach hurts like hell or something like that. That is not nice at all.
Aga ma elan üle!

***
Ma ei tea veel pooli puid ja maid
või kuidas moosi endasse saab komm
või üledoosi pomm
mis silmapilguga võib muuta elulood

Ma ei tea, kas Shnelli pargi kojameest
ta naine "Shnellipühilaseks" kutsub veel
ja kas ka täna supi teeb
mis aurab leel kui katab lastele

Ja keset pruuni talve, mis on nii lohutu
su naeratus on valge heihoo heihoo...
et meenutada talle õnne, mis tohutu
on aega leida tal veel heihoo heihoo...
Vastu tuleva, mööda lähevad
inimesed ja hetked lähedad
suud soojad ja laulud kõhedad heihoo heihoo..
kiluleiba sööb estofiil mõnuga
kõiki verbe ei tea sest ja sõnu ka
Valli baarist läeb kalli ja tänuga heihoo heihoo...

Närviline valgus
kõlab käsk nagu lask: üht peab uskuma - vaid üht
peab uskuma, peab uskuma, üht uskuma mind
uskuge mind!

Ma nii tahaks, valitseja kui taob pihku
et see põhjus oleks pornokas või mingi film
mitte peeglist tema ihu ei läks kihku

Ma ei tea, miks mantlihõlma takjatena
raamatuga pähe pekstud nägudega tädid
kõrva räägivad
ja lunastuse ristipuudest määgivad

Ma ei tea, miks need surnujumestaja tehtud
üleelusuuruses portreed
mu linna vahel vahel ripuvad
seal keskalleel, kus koerad situvad

Kuid keset pruuni talve, mis on nii lohutu
su naeratus on valge heihoo heihoo...
et meenutada talle õnne, mis tohutu
on õigus leida tal veel heihoo heihoo...
Armu palumas, koni eest tänamas
kohkun'd pilgud Seewaldi väravas
kurvad lilled Kreutzwaldi tänavas heihoo heihoo...
Klaasist tehtud mu kodulinn Tallinn
kandiline ja mallimast mallim
elu kõigile kallimast kallim on heihoo heihoo...

Kummaline valgus
Täna teleka ees, õhtul kõik see mees
kui lõppen'd uudised
sest täna näidatakse vaikust!

Ma ei tea veel, mis värvi on su silmad
ma ei tea, mis värvi on su armastus
ma ei tea, miks meil nii niisked ilmad...

Ma armastan Eestimaad!

2006-10-17T21:47:00.000+03:00

Kodumaa pinnal on isegi blogi teistmoodi tunne kirjutada. Muidu väga erinev ei ole. Toredaid inimesi olen palju näinud ja niisama toredat aega veetnud.
Mingid kummalised emotsioonid ainult jauravad. Ma arvan, et mulle jõudis lõpuks kohale, korralikult, et ma ära kolisin.
Aga muidu on vaheaeg superbne olnud. Juulia oli muidu ka siin, aga ta läks täna Helsinkisse, oma venna juurde.
Hando, Mikk, Kostja, Rain, Kadri, Linn, Piret, Karol, Mariita, Aire, Elina, Andreas, Leenu, Lenno jt väärivad suuri musisid! Ma armastan seda (Eesti)rahvast!
Ja siis need, kes kuskil maailmas veel laiali on (Kristin, my love)... Aah. Ma loodan, et mu sõbrad saavad aru, kui kallid nad mulle tegelt on.
Ja oma pere oli ka tore näha. Kass on sama nahhaalne.

Eesti moodi pidu on alati natukene liiga toode:)!

2006-10-07T20:05:00.000+03:00

Everything has been wild.
Yesterday I threw a party at my place, and it was pretty cool. People seemed to have fun and so did I. It was funny how I slept in the same bed with Roope, that I had seen only once before. And the thing is, that we had to share a blanket, because Emmi was not willing to share a blanket with Aaro's boyfriend (yup, they're gay)... But anyways, it was all fun. We talked about random stuff and yup until like 5am or so. And I woke up at 8. And today I did nothing but clean up the place (vacuum the floors, repair the walls etc) and sleep a few hours. Now I feel like being useful for the society somehow. Perhaps I'll watch a movie. I tried to get the DVD-player functioning today, but there's some kind of a headache with the wires and oh well, I'm not very competent in those questions either.
Estonia in one week! Juulia and I are going to rock so hard, argh! And I really can't wait to see some people. I'm hoping to see most of the bests and worthies.

"You're the only girl who has actually been able to do that."

cliché

2006-10-07T20:04:00.000+03:00

Is everything a baited hook?
And are there locks on all doors?
If you're looking for an open book,
Look no further, I am yours.
We'll behave like animals, swing from tree to tree
We can do anything that turns you up
and sets you free.

You're an exception to the rule
You're a bonafide rarity.
You're all I ever wanted; southern girl,
could you want me?

So come outside and walk with me
We'll try each other on, see if we fit
And with our roots become a tree
To shade what we make under it.
We'll behave like animals, swing from tree to tree.
We can do anything that turns you up
and sets you free.

You're an exception to the rule
You're a bonafide rarity
You're all I ever wanted; southern girl,
could you want me?

2006-10-05T22:26:00.000+03:00

See on nii naljakas, kuidas mul on praegu 94 krooni rahakotis müntidena ja rahakott ei tundu isegi täis. :D Müstifikatsioon.
Mwhaha!
Ma ostsin täna hästi ilusa seeliku endale ja esinesin nii muuseas saku suurhalli suuruses kohas umbes 500 inimesele... pretty cool, huh. Ja djembetunnis pandi mind soolot mängima, kui kogu ülejäänud rühm jammis niisama. Super.
Ma vist nüüd võtan bassi endale hingeasjaks. Päris kindlasti pigem.
Ma loodan, et Karol saab enda kassist hästi ruttu üle. Ja ma loodan, et Taneli selg saab ka korda ruttu. Ja ma tulen nädala aja pärast enam-vähem Eestisse!

how suddenly it all turned reggae-coloured! (aka, autumn, kids!)

2006-10-01T17:11:00.000+03:00

Mood: groovy reggae muffin booyaaah!
Temperature: hell cold booyah, but I'm burning inside, booyaaah!
Atmosphere: gray gray gray gray, cold.
Predictions: it's gonna be a COLD autumn, kids!
Expectations: it's gonna be a groovy autumn, kids!
Reality: fighting for survival!
Randomness: there's a cellardoor in front of Huviretki restaurant, and you can hear whip-sounds there. This is totally normal! Mikael can prove it.

One good thing about music - when it hits, you feel no pain!